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Hey all. I made a post about a week back about the death of my ex after blocking him and just wanted to thank everyone again for their immense support and hard truth comments.
As a tangent/follow up I wanted to talk about my observation of the total lack of male empathy I have received in my life from my so called male friends. It's been astounding and very revealing to say the least. Perhaps I still reside somewhat in the realm of naivety but allow me to flesh out my thoughts here if appropriate.
A lot of my male friends knew how close my ex and I were. How we had been friends for a very long time prior to dating and I often brought him up in casual conversation at get togethers or hang outs. I recently made a post online about his passing as a gesture of remembrance and to acknowledge his death to anyone who I may not have spoken to directly.
Not one of my so called male friends reached out in support. It was incredible. Those who I am in contact with more regularly seemed to brush off what has been the worst week of my life as just 'one of those things', to my utter shock.
It's now been confirmed to me that generally speaking, male friends are nothing but orbiters. Male empathy for the emotional pain or struggle of women is all but non-existent. I have read about this phenomenon here on FDS but had not until now experienced it so tangibly.
So once again, FDS has proven to be in correct in its teaching. Men generally do not have the capacity to empathize the way woman do. The emotional labour for others is all our doing and I'm finally experiencing the clarity of this fact.
Your thoughts and wisdom welcome.
I think a lot of woman have trouble internalizing some core FDS truths until some hurtful or thoroughly disappointing real life event makes them unavoidable to acknowledge. Which makes sense, they’re pretty sucky truths. But now you know :)
You said it all. Men can be friends only in the sense that SOME of them might make good coworker, acquaintances, drinking buddies, business or creative partners.. Anything that doesn't involve deep emotional support and empathy. Expecting pure emotional support and empathy from men is a path of suffering and self destruction. I do believe that some men exist who for some reasons have an higher emotional intelligence than their peers (which you can truly find out only after extensive vetting), but they're not the norm, so their existence don't change the expectations I have of men as a class. The expectation that they can fullfill the role of a female BFF is a libfem lie. Either they're orbiters, or are attracted to you, or there's some unrequited love, or I do believe they can see you as a sister, but from the POV of a scrotey brother (who wants a shoulder to cry on but is not willing to reciprocate).
Nope, if it doesn't benefit them, why would they care? I had a male friend who I confided in once about feeling unsupported in my life. I had released my very first album that day and was feeling depressed about it because my best friend was going through a breakup and had to come live with me after discovering her bf was cheating on her. My best friend didn't even know about my album being released or how hard I had worked on it or how proud I was of myself. I was supporting her through her breakup but had no one to support me through my success, and that was tremendously disheartening for me. Anyway, I confided in my male friend about it, and though it was nice to vent to someone and get things off my chest, he didn't really support me either. He never listened to my music or tried to celebrate with me. That was when I realized I needed to stop investing in people (male or female) who weren't equally investing in me.
I've noticed the same. They either completely ignore the things you share with them and don't offer any support, changing the subject to their own problems, or just say something meaningless, like "sorry" and move on.
men are sociopaths. the truth hurts.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Most male “friends” are going to be fair-weather friends. Only available for the good times.
We as women have empathy for all people and animals. We project our empathy onto men. You are an empathetic, good and kind woman and you are projecting your goodness and morality onto men. Turn it inwards to yourself. Save your empathy and goodness for yourself, women, children and animals. I used to think that FDS was incredibly harsh and a bit much. Initially, I only took parts that I could relate with. However, as time went on, FDS proved to be true. A lot of the things FDS women warned about actually happened to me.
I'm deeply sorry for your loss. I read your old post. Please remember these orbiting men are not sorry. For them it's merely an opportunity to get with you. They do not care. Can you imagine not caring if someone else was going through what you're going through? Could you imagine yourself not reaching out to your male friends or any friend in such a scenario? Flip the script and consider how vile these men are.
Men see women as caricatures and objects that they're entitled to for their convenience and pleasure. Most men do not see us as living, breathing, feeling human beings. They have absolutely no empathy for women. I can tell you that my life got easier when I stopped having empathy for men no matter their circumstances. My life has improved drastically since. I am not naturally cold, I used to be a warm, bubbly, kind and incredibly empathic woman and now I reserve this for only my nearest and dearest. I learned and forced myself to withhold kindness and empathy through many difficult interactions with sinister people. It was and sometimes still is very hard to do. It's ok to slip up but you get better with practice. In some interactions where I find it harder to be cold or mean, I play dumb.