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I don't know if this happens to you, but I haven't been in a relationship for a long time. I don't even date anymore. I don't use dating apps and men don't approach.
Ive been going to therapy and my therapist says I'm too "rigid" with men and that I have a list of thing that if they don't follow I just cancel them and that's why I'm having a lot of difficulty even finding a date (which is basic FDS principles, like avoiding lazy dates etc, blocking if he doesn't pay etc).
A friend of mine (who sees no problems in having sex in the first date) said Im blocked and that I need to be more "open". She says I don't even flirt.
She says I internalized so much some rules and dating principles that I'm not even able to date again.
I just feel guilty because it seems like it's my fault. My romantic life in nonexistent. I don't like flirting because I think most men don't take seriously women who does this.
Since you discovered FDS have you experienced this too?
do is to keep me protected from a heartbreak and a scrote, but it seems like I have no options or possibilities anymore.
men make dating impossible for us. we get hurt, abused, traumtized. people tell us we should choose better. so we create strategies to protect ourselves from further damage and people say we are too rigid. do you see the trap? somehow they make it always our fault.
you have your standards to keep you safe and happy. if for any reason you can't find a man that fits such standards, then don't date anyone. work on your level up journey and reach that point in life where you feel complete and comfortable alone. this way you'll be open just to those who deserve to be in your life.
my therapist tells me the same thing. she says i should be more flexible. well, every time i was i got either disappointed or abused. so no, i will not be more flexible. it's my safety, my happiness, my life. i will not lower my standards. i've done that enough times in my life and i regret it very much.
keep your standards high. you can review them periodically to make sure they truly translate your needs and goals. but never ever ever lower them just because you feel lonely or because someone told you so.
That's the thing about rising to the top--there's not enough room for a lot of people.
Yes, your rigidity is keeping a lot of men away. But that's not a bad thing. You've seen these forums--most men are crap, anyway.
I think the hardest part about de-centering men and becoming more FDS-aligned, is the disillusionment that there's someone out there for everyone...We've been led to believe thru media that men are decent human beings and there's plenty of love out there for people to experience.
No there's not. Or at least not the kind of love we think we want. Marriage was not invented out of love. It was invented to ensure a woman to each man. Contrary to traditional prose, most women are not happy in marriages and never were. We didn't even have a say in marriage until the last century or so?
...And I know that's difficult to grapple with because it means we're way more likely to end up alone or with little to no true romantic life...What I've seen work for a lot of women is to challenge the narrow idea or romance we've been fed for ages.
You can make your life romantic everyday and that doesn't have to involve dating men at all. On the other hand, I know it can only do so much in terms of physical companionship.
But how many women do you see and read about that don't even experience decent physical companionship from their spouses because they're turned off by them and don't even want it from them anymore?
That is the biggest hurdle to overcome, I think...and I don't have a solution to it.
Just wanted to support your rigidity because you know it's what's best for you but also validate your observance of the lack of dating and the ache that comes with that.
Be more open? Yeah, more open to mistreatment and abuse. Don’t let her drag you down with her. High standards keep you from low quality experiences!
Sounds like you may have a pickme as a therapist. If I'd have been more 'rigid' when I was younger, I'd be much healthier, wealthier, happier, and maybe even have found my man sooner. Instead of wasting my time with losers. Obviously, I don't know you, so I can't give you any real or meaningful advice specific to you. It could indeed be the case that you are 'too rigid'.
But... it does sound like she's trying to get you to 'lower your standards'. Which is a no from me.
I agree with the other posters. I think when you give men an inch, they take a mile. You have to be a bit rigid and have standards, otherwise you'll be walked all over. Most women aren't born thinking this way. We come to this conclusion after years of being taken advantage of by men.
LMAOOOOO NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN
You're doing the right thing. The point isn't to go to as many dates as possible or getting a boyfriend ASAP. I'm sure all of us could have some guy in a heartbeat. But that's not the point. The point is to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Always remember it's the men, not us. They make it impossible. We just want to be safe.
You can't force yourself to be interested in someone. Let's say you are "too rigid" - does that mean you can will yourself to be attracted to someone who doesn't attract you? I wouldn't think so. Do people think it's a kindness to date people you're not interested in? It's not only cruel to them, it means you'd have to force yourself to basically have sex with someone you're not attracted to, which is insane.
For what it's worth, just because someone's a therapist doesn't mean they're in a position to dole out good advice or make astute observations. I literally just saw a psychotherapist profile on a dating app that looked utterly insane. He insisted he wanted someone sex-positive and came off soooo aggressive (ranting about people who ghost people on apps).
I’d recommend getting a new friend and a therapist. In the words of a famous narcissist-therapist Dr. Ramani, “it’s better to have put up too many walls if it makes you feel safe”. You literally have nothing to lose but scrotes and low-value people by keeping your standards high. The only people who tell you you’re “too this and too that” are either projecting their own negative qualities onto you or are trying to get you to lower your standards to drag you down on their own level.
Just to back your rigidness, but with a slightly different perspective - yes, you could lower your standards and it could result in more dates and a long-term relationship. It might be okay for a while, but I think you are setting yourself up for hurt and failure in the long run as you haven't stayed true to yourself.
That aside, my therapist explained to me that lowering your standards is okay if you have explained your standards and someone (male or female) is genuinely trying to meet them. Otherwise, it's a hard no and in any case, the right person won't be scared off as it shows respect for self, which is what you want in a healthy partnership.
I say all of the above as someone who lowered all my standards to the floor and I never got anything beyond a second date, let alone a relationship.
Know your worth. The love of your life is you ❤️
I'm the same way. When friends and therapists tell me I'm making a mis-step, I always know that I'm right and they're all wrong. I always know where to go for my RDA of validation.