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Hi ladies! I know we at FDS mostly follow the 3 months rule for sex. But what are our views on oral sex? Do you think it counts as sex? And do you have oral sex before being in a committed relationship with a guy? id love to hear some input.
EDIT: I realized I didn’t clarify, by oral sex I strictly mean receiving, not giving.
No nudity at all until we hit the sheets. Feeling each other up and dry humping during hot makeout sessions will tell you everything you need to know about how a man will be in bed.
How passionate is he? Is he turning you on? Do you like how he smells and feels? Is his dick hard? Staying hard? Is he a good kisser? How does he touch you? How gentle is he? Does he respect your boundaries? Is he connecting with you? Looking into your eyes?
You don't need to be naked or be exposing your goods to a dude to find out about sexual chemistry.
Oral sex. The word says it all: sex. It is sex. I don't understand why people think that oral sex isn't sex nor call it foreplay. As if the only thing that counts as sex is PIV. Maybe it's more understandable to call it intimacy, when do you want to get intimate with someone? That's on you but FDS suggests 3 months to 6 months because whenever you get intimate with someone, you release oxytocin (and a lot more) which can makes you want to bond with someone easier, looking through these pink glasses etc. So my suggestion is to vet to the max before you ever get intimate (which can take 3 months or more). Get STI-tests with proof. And then go for more intimacy if you're comfortable.
To me it absolutely counts as sex (as does everything else that is not kissing with your clothes on) and will not happen if we are not in a commited relationship and enough time has passed for me to be comfortable.
It is sex. And I'm willing to receive it once we are sexually active (3+ months and exclusively committed, with confirmed negative STI test results) but I do not perform it on a man. I've been with this one for seven months and have never done that to him, and have no desire to. Maybe if we get married someday...maybe. Probably not though.
Oral sex IS sex, if you've seen porn it often starts with receiving a BJ before penetrative sex so if you do that you will end up doing more before you know it.
It counts as sex and if a man doesn't enjoy doing it...on to the next. The worst men are the ones that expect it, but have 0 intention of doing it or say "i only do it for women i'm super serious with or when I'm married" 🤨🙄🙄🙄. Only do it after testing and at least 3 months of vetting/being exclusive. Exclusive is a step before being in an official relationship for me. I enjoy receiving and giving, but be sure to always receive it first. If he's bad at it and doesn't listen to me, we're not having sex and I'm not reciprocating.
“And do you have oral sex before being in a committed relationship?” Only if you enjoy being used, or don’t value/respect yourself. Why would any HV woman have oral sex BEFORE being in a committed relationship?
Oral sex is sex. Even with men I love and see myself marrying, I don’t really give blow jobs. Sucking dick is boring af and does nothing for me. I’ll jerk him off a little to tease him during the day so by night he’s excited and eager to please, but that’s the extent of it. All the good men I’ve dated have never even needed me to suck their dick, they got rock hard just from making out and were pulsing and dripping cum just from eating me out, so I’ve fallen out of the habit completely. In my experience, HVM love eating coochie and making me orgasm. I have a rule that we can’t have piv sex until he can make me orgasm at least once eating me out and fingering me, so they get really good at that for the first couple weeks after we’ve committed. I find this weeds out men who don’t like focusing on my pleasure because the ones that just wanted to smash never put in the effort to really learn my body, but the ones that do are incredibly motivated to learn my body and unlock that incredible, delicious piv sex. I’m very strict that if I don’t orgasm then he’s not orgasming. There will be no orgasm gap in my house lmao. I’ve found it’s my favorite vetting strategy cuz I LOVE being eaten out, it acts as a wonderful prelude to piv sex, and shows me wether or not he’s a patient, gentle, generous man. A giver in the bedroom is a giver outside of it and that’s incredibly important to me. The men who passed this were really good men and great partners, the sex was ALWAYS amazing, high energy, passionate, and loving. 10/10 strategy and this is the kind of sex positive stuff I like. Especially cuz giving a man a blow job? Useless. Giving a woman head? Important! She needs to be soaking wet and the canal expanded or else sex is gonna hurt. We ladies need to be eaten out and fingered, the same is not true for men. Healthy men can get rock hard with as little as seeing a woman naked, making out, and a few rubs, tho for my good exes all I even had to do was just flash my boobs or even make out with them. No blow jobs were ever needed.
I would say it counts a sex for the purposes of FDS. I think the spirit of this rule has more to do with creating an environment in which we can keep a clear mind while gathering information about a prospective partner, and also diminish the presence of any artificial signals of connection - like a false positive pair-bonding signal from sex too early in the dating process. As far as the neuroscience is concerned, any behaviors that facilitate robust dopamine/oxytocin spikes should be moderated as much as possible. Categorically, I’d say that includes orgasms by any means
Do you want permanent painful sores on your genitals for ten minutes of mediocre pleasure
From the perspective of someone who hasn't had sex with a man, yes, I consider it to be sex. Think of it this way too, both in giving and receiving oral sex, you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation. I would not consider putting myself in that situation unless I trust the person I am with implicitly. If you are with someone who is pressuring sex; I know that we can find people who we believe are HV and put expectations on them, but, they need room to make mistakes. Just like we need FDS to weed them out. It's easy to rationalize, but it never ends well.
I mean, you can still get stds from oral sex. Also, think about why you would want to speed up the process by splitting hairs like this. Is it because you think you'll keep his interest? This is assuming you mean giving him oral sex. If you're talking about receiving, it's slightly less problematic, but be aware that you'll probably get attached to him prematurely if he's halfway decent at it.
As a bisexual woman I do consider oral sex to be full on sex. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to have sex with women! Anything involving genitals counts to me lol. Obviously do whatever you want, but I would wait so you don’t risk 1-bonding to someone who might be an asshole and 2-getting pressured to go further than “just” oral.
You can get diseases. Be very careful!
I think the point of the rule is access to your body. For some cultures, it means no hugging! Oral sex means he'll have access to your body. Thats my personal opinion. Although oral sex itself can say a lot about a man like his attentiveness, patience, eagerness to please ect. But in all honesty, oral sex doesnt always end in oral sex (when the woman is receiving).
Oral sex can actually be more intimate imo. It is a gift you give your partner because you love them and it feels good only for them.
And yes, of course it is obviously sex.
It doesn't need a separate timetable -- we are not school boys, wending our way from first to second then third base to make our way home.
Personally, I do not believe there is a one size fits all rule for when to express physicality in a relationship -- no arbitrary period of months or number of meetings is appropriate (or inappropriate).
Everyone is different. For example, I seem to be immune from the supposed oxytocin effect -- it doesn't artificially enhance or detract from the bond I may or may not have for a partner.
I do find, however, that waiting a longer period of time before sex is useful in terms of getting to know each other better, even for me
If I jump the gun and the sex is really really great, it's like having a favorite toy: I'm gonna keep playing with it till it either breaks or I get bored. So I try to delay my desires in the spirit of "save some for later."
PS: I also insist on getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Re: condoms, I was religious about using them with male partners and have used them with female partners to cover sex toys.
However: not sure what to do about dental dams now that I am exclusively woman oriented. I haven't done anything about it yet, which is a decision by default. I would love to hear what other Queer/Lesbian women feel about this.