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Hi Ladies,
I'm slowly trying to build a support network after moving back to my hometown since two years ago. I have one or two family members I'm close to and one surface level friend but other than that not much except myself and my new hamster, Henry. One of the things that puts me off meeting any man other than the deplorable dating conditions for women, is him finding out I come from a history of severe abuse, trauma and neglect since childhood and as a result have a near to non existent support system as an early 30s adult since I was forces to cut off most of my toxic family members being they were narcissistic abusers or enablers. I do have other not so toxic family, but they are distant and they live out of state. Another poster brought up a good point about men seeing that as a weakness and exploiting women after finding out about her non existent or weak support system and even shame her for it. I know the narcissistic LVM I got with before absolutely preyed on that and thought no one would care or find out anyway if they abused me so they thought that would help enable them to get away with the abuse. It really disturbs me cause now I might talk to a guy briefly, even go on a few dates but after they introduce me to their friends I just get gun shy and bail and ghost him cause I dont wanna be honest and vulnerable about the weak spot I'm at right now socially. All aspects of my life, career, education are leveled up amazingly. I make well over six figures, childfree, fit, and travel the US and around the world multiple times a year. I live a life most women and men my age only dream of, except I just lack the social support aspect. I also suffer from severe CPTSD caused by narcissistic abuse, which one of the symptoms is interpersonal disturbances and difficulty connecting with others. I'm also an introvert also so that doesn't help when out trying to network and meet people. Anyway, I just wanted to ask your thoughts on this. I just feel most people, narcissistic or not aren't worth telling this private stuff to, but at some point they'll find out as they get to know me more and like I mentioned earlier that's when I usually ghost or bail cause I dont want them to know that about me and like I said most people even non narcissists have taken advantage of knowing this about me in the past. It just feels I'm at a major disadvantage not only meeting prospective husband but also just meeting new friends in general once they find this out about me and think I'm some kind of damaged goods or something. I just don't feel it's good for me to date at all until I've built that solid foundation, I may not have barely any family support but at least I could try and build a strong network of high value and supportive women friends.
I can relate to this. Some things I do to protect myself from other people whom I'm trying to befriend are:
Stand back a little bit, don't call, text, or make plans too often.
Pay attention to how that person makes you feel. Proceed to hang out with them only when you're SURE the good feeling outweighs the apprehension.
Match their energy.
Prepare some scripted, vague, but true responses for when anyone asks about your family or anything else. "Oh, well, we don't talk as much as I'd like." "Well, it's been a bit complicated to get together with them recently." "They're doing fine but I haven't been in touch in a while."
If someone is asking you way too personal questions and you start to feel like you're on the spot, fuck them, you can lie, change the subject, or simply silently stare at them while not answering.
You don't have to tell anyone jack shit about your trauma, ever, for any reason, not even doctors or therapists.
Has anyone else ever told YOU all their trauma? NO.
Politely change the subject.
Good-naturedly say "Ha ha, well, I don't want to put a damper on us having such a nice time, I'd rather not open up that can of worms! Ha ha."
Abruptly, very obviously change the subject in a way that will make the other person laugh: "So how 'bout those Lakers?"
I struggled with feeling like I had to be 100% honest with people too. You don't have to be. Almost no one else is.
It gets easier the more you do it. The first time will be a little bit uncomfortable. The second time will be 100 times easier than the first and then you'll be good to go.
I'm 48 and in the same situation my entire life. I've been technically on my own since age 13. Both parents are now deceased, but when they were alive they were not a part of my life. I didn't speak to my mother the 8 years prior to her death and 6 years prior to my father's death. I have two older brothers in their 50s who are Hispanic Misogynists who believe all women are and should be submissive to men. And being not only the sister but the little sister, makes them feel extremely superior to me. So I've cut them off. I've cut off other toxic family members as well like my aunt and cousins. And I can validate that yes, when a man sees you've got no support system, they take advantage harder. I was alone at your age and I'm alone now. I've had several bfs and even been married. Not all of them took advantage of my lack of support, but many did. My entire focus now is forming a female community around me cause that the only choice I have at this point. But this hasn't been as easy as I thought, because many women are still brainwashed by patriarchy, and plugged into the matrix. Plus, I notice if the women already have a strong family support system, they are FAR less needy of a friendship support network. They don't value the friendship on the same level that I do because they don't need it for their literal survival. So I guess what I'm saying is that I stand with you in solidarity. I know you're in Omaha, and I'm in Chicago, but maybe one day our paths will cross.
It sounds like you are a very honest person, which is of course a very respectable trait.
However, being honest with men is dangerous.
So stop doing that. No one deserves to know your trauma history, especially since it will be used against you by so many men out there.
I'm sure you put a positive spin on your resume concerning your work, education, and training experience. Do that with your personal experiences as well.
Building a network of friends takes time and patience (and it is a learned skill).
Listen to the FDS podcast episode on "Building Your Girl Gang"
Dr Ramani videos are great on how to handle and avoid Narcissists
And I always recommend Vanessa Van Edwards on how to build friendships and be more social.
It can be hard for us introverts, but definitely doable!
I can relate. Some trouble with my family background (honestly i think most families are like this).
Bad social anxiety until my earlyish twenties and not knowing I deserved better treatment which led to toxic friendships. Me setting boundaries let to all my friendships, apart from the most superficial, dissolving or blowing up. I never had many friends but valued those I did have.
Now I see everywhere that not having close friends is seen as a major red flag. I have had similar concerns re dating. Wish i had a solution but you're not the only one
I've just had to cut off my nparents and most of my toxic family members all over again seeing that they've only gotten more manipulative and covert over time. It's lonely out here and its hard to make high value friends as a woman. I really hope we can find the love of our lives and a couple good friends we can trust. You're not alone in this.
Check out my post, "How to Build Recriprocal Friendships!"
I'm in a similar place. Trying to date and make friends while having no friends is so awkward. I'm always trying to hide the fact I have no friends but its tricky