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I'm dating one guy right now who I met organically but I also want to date other guys at the same time so I don't put all my eggs in one basket.
I am on hinge, however, I swear to god everything guys have asked me to do has been free (hiking -why would I do that with a stranger) or the typical scrotey ideas like coffee or drinks. I usually just unmatch those people.
I did get lunch with one guy and later tennis/lunch but the places he was taking me to were so cheap that I ghosted him. He also lived with his parents.
Is it even possible to get a high quality date from OLD anymore?? I know it's pretty shitty but I didn't know it was this bad.
The main reason I am trying to date other people is so I don't become overly invested in my current guy so soon, and so that I have other people to compare him to. But now my quandry is - do I keep trying on the apps or even settle for a mediocre date like drinks in the name of parallel dating? Or do I try to meet someone else organically? Tbh, that seems a bit too forced and I honestly don't really have a lot of time/energy to spend right now.
I know some tenants of FDS proport parallel dating so that you don't become invested too soon, etc. but how much effort do you guys think I should be putting into this if the apps are this bad?
I've seen more people post about this, and while I love the idea of roster dating, in reality it doesn't seem feasible for everyone. I believe the answer is falling in love with your own life and continuing to decenter men even while dating.
What makes sense to me is: we're trying to uplevel our lives and become HVW first and foremost, so there's no point in settling for LV experiences. Anything that makes you go meh or nah is not for you! So if there just aren't that many worthy suitors to divide your attention over, focus on other exciting, meaningful, loving, fun experiences that can "compete" with the meaning this new person brings. Keep investing in family and friend relationships, keep planning solo dates/travels, keep being focused on your goals for yourself, so that regardless of how this relationship turns out, in 1, 2, or 5 years your life will be even more secure, fun, exciting, balanced and happy than it is now.
OLD is inherently low value; hence, the vast majority of the propositions you receive on those platforms will be low value.
It. Is. An. Algorithm. Designed. By. Men. For. Men. To. Take. Shots. At. Getting. Free. Sex. In. The. Most. Convenient. Way. Possible.
By participating, you are wasting your own time for a ticket in a lottery that is stacked against you. You also must endure interacting with numerous low lifes, and consider the emotional / mental toll that takes.
Your time and energy would be better invested into yourself, and getting out in your community doing things you like to do and giving back in some way.
You won't waste your own time, and you will have much higher odds of bumping into a man who is on a similar trajectory as yourself, rather than sitting around swiping on women, trying to get laid.
I wish FDS would cut the crap and come down on these apps, HARD. If you follow FDS, you don't fuck with dating apps, period.
If they're on a dating app, OF COURSE THEY WANT FREE SHIT. That's why they are there.
It's very unlikely you'll find HVM on OLD. I mean it. It's a literal needle in a barn-sized haystack.
Also - are you really into this guy you're seeing? Is he even into you? Is he investing in you? I'm guessing not or you wouldn't be looking elsewhere.
The men I know irl who are online are broke/unemployed. One guy recently asked me for “cheap date ideas” for his next online date.
So it isn’t you, these men are the leftovers no one wants.
I joined Hinge and Match a few days ago. So far Hinge is much better but it's still a barren wasteland of hideous uggos and obvious narcissists. Like you, I immediately unmatch the coffee/drink date guys. And because I’m still a little salty about my recent breakup, I unmatch the others at the first hint of LV behavior or incompatibility, real or imagined. 🙃
I have two dinner dates lined up next week and am not taking any of it seriously so I can’t say if OLD is worth it or gets better. But avoiding scarcity mindset is vital in dating and OLD can be a good tool for reminding yourself that there are plenty of men who would like to take you on a real date. Whether they’re HV remains to be seen (statistically, probably not). Whatever you do, don’t settle for LV anything. Hold out for the ones willing to work for your attention.
And use a phone number app like Hushed to protect your privacy. You can find out a lot about a person with just their phone number.
There was a similar post recently, about not having enough options for a scrotation All4Goldie said:
I believe I saw an article on the handbook that said you can make a ‘scrotation’ without the men. It’s essentially making it so your world doesn’t revolve around him. Make sure your rotating family, friends/going out and socializing, kids, and alone time/self care with him.
As for where to meet new men I'd suggest what others have already suggested: in the real world doing activities you like to do.
When I was on OLD I had the same problem, and it was on several different apps.
Don't fall prey into the "scarcity" mindset. Dick is low value and abundant AND is high risk (getting feelings, stds, pregnancy).
You should be open to a scrotation ONLY when the men are actually offering quality dates. You need to ask yourself 1. Am I psychically attracted ti him? 2. Is his profile quality - clear, recent pictures, a solid description?
3 Is he making the effort to get to know me? And 4. Is he offering a quality date in an appropriate time frame?
The answers to all those questions need to YES. If you are unsure then it's a hard pass.
Don't settle for free /lazy /cheap dates just to have a scortation. If he can't properly date you don't waste your own time and energy and don't risk catching feelings for a lazy, broke ass scrote.
I see several good answers.
My two cents: do not ever settle for a drinks/coffee/walk date under any circumstance, especially if you live in the U.S. Those types of dates are initiated by LVM looking for an easy lay. At best, they are cheap and socially ignorant; at worst, they are rapists and murderers on the prowl for low-hanging fruit.
Although I am not on OLD atm, I still prefer the old school Okcupid. That app is the only app, besides eHarmony, that asks everyone specific, very pertinent questions about their moral, political and ethical compass. You can use more than just their pictures and bios to determine if you want to match with them. For example, did they vote for Trump or Biden or Hilary? Are they very religious? How do they feel about sex before marriage? Etc. And there's unlimited amount for questions that really allow you to vet someone far better than with just pics and bio. Many times, I thought a man looked like potential till I read the answers to their questions.