.png)
I recently got out of a 5-year relationship with a man who had low libido. Long story short, we had been working on peripheral issues hoping it would address the main issue but it never did. About two weeks out of the breakup I met a friend of a friend who introduced me to FDS and I’ve been doing a deep dive and I’m incredibly grateful for this space and seeing through a lot of the bullshit I have put up with in all of my relationships and the social conditioning that led me there.
That being said, my question is about friends with benefits relationships. I had been sex and affection starved for the last 5 years, and soon after the breakup I had dinner with this guy from the gym that I had been eyeing for months and we just started a FWB relationship. I am 39 years old and he is 30, and hot. I thought the age difference alone, amongst other traits, would protect me from getting attached. Alas, my female brain is betraying me. I am working on healing, addressing co-dependent behaviors, fully knowing my worth, and leveling up even further (even though I’m pretty leveled up). I would love to just have a side piece, especially since the sex is awesome. Is it totally not worth it and I should save myself the drama? Do I just need better boundaries/ground rules? How can I have my cake and eat it too?
In my experience, a lot of the women who claim they can handle these types of FWB relationships are the ones who go batsh!t stalker crazy on the guy when he breaks things off. They're the "cool girls"- and that trope is exhausting to live up to. After painstakingly curating the exact version of themselves that they thought he wanted, he up and leaves and they. go. psycho.
I'm not saying this is you. I'm just saying I don't believe most girls can handle it, even if they say they can. And you can't handle it. You know this. You may not be saying it outright, but you know it. That's good. There's hope for you.
Time to move on. Every second wasted with a f#ckboi keeps you from exploring possibilities with actual HVM.
Only you know the answer to this. Do you realistically think you can do this without getting hurt? Is it a rebound? Is it preventing you from grieving in a healthy way? Sex can sometimes be like a drug. Soothing and fun for a while until shit hits the fan. To not get comnected during sex means you have to have detached sex without true intimacy. At least that is what I believe. I also believe it's not healthy to do this. Gratulations on the breakup and I wish you all the best ♥️.
I think some women can manage this. I can’t. If the guy’s hot and kind it’d be very very hard not to get attached with all that oxytocin release. And it’s a catch 22 bc hot kind men are the only men you should have sex with. Lol! Building a roster and making a lot of effort to distribute yourself between hvm may help.
Thanks ladies, this is definitely not what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. I totally thought I had this under control, but under further reflection, I don't really see a scenario where I don't get hurt. The FWB situation is like eating a bunch of candy for breakfast and then later on wondering why I don't feel so good. I'm just trying to cut down on those types of situations in my life. So unfortunately, I think I need to go fully celibate until I'm actually ready to date. Maturity can be a real bitch sometimes. 😆
The upside of all this is knowing that I am not a robot that can simply shut off her desire for intimacy and connection with someone. And that I need to find a HVM that is deserving of that intimacy and connection.
if you have doubts you can pull this off, htat's because you probably can't and you already know that.
if you want to try and learn how to pull that off, good luck! i don't think it's as easy as some liberal feminists like to claim. one of the reasons why i hate sex is precisely because i usually get attached - even if the sex is bad. i am that kind of person, unfortunately. and i have tried to be 'chill' and casual, but i simply can't.
i know it's unfair. sex is an important part of life and you were starved whilst IN a relationship, when we hear people say all the time that "women can get dick easily, anytime, anywhere". good sex is rare (for women), good men are even rarer. FWB is a risky situation for women...
in the end, you are the only one who knows your priorities. you can live in the moment and probably end up hurt; or you can save yourself the trouble and starve again until you find a HVM who is worth it. we can't predict the future, but we know the probablilities. are you going to work with them or are you going to take the risk?
Are you 1000% sure this guy is not relationship material? Why did you both decide on FWB as opposed to "regular" dating? I assume there's a good reason you wouldn't date him, so remind yourself of that. If there is some sort of lingering hope, or the FWB arrangement was mainly his idea and you just went along with it (as things often go), I would cut it off now. It will hurt, but it would hurt even more if you continued having sex with him and getting more attached. In the rare event that FWB works out, the people in question don't act like a couple without the title. The other person is truly a side piece, ergo the main thing in their lives is something (or someone) else. There's other people who get their romantic and/or sexual interest. Is that your situation or are you basically putting your emotional eggs in one basket? Humans are wired for attachment, it takes a lot of conscious effort to override that mechanism. Unless you're sure that the only thing you're interested in is this guy's body, and you're not compatible otherwise, I would keep him at a distance. If you absolutely want this experience, guard your heart. Seek love elsewhere. Space out your meetings with him as much as you can so there's no chance he becomes a regular part of your life. Keep an eye out for other interesting prospects. And stop seeing him as soon as the thing you starting seeing him for – the sex – declines in any way. If you are bent on "using" him, you must also drop him as soon as he is no longer of use. You definitely need very strong boundaries with yourself to pull this off.
I can handle one night stands and irregular FWBs without getting attached. But if I am sleeping with someone regularly and spending time with them outside of sex, then I will probably get attached. You've said you're already getting attached so time to break it off! You will 100% end up getting hurt.
He will be with other women, not just you. You will be HIS side piece, not the other way around. Being used isn't empowering, it's degrading. Just my opinion, but I will not have anything to do with a man that isn't committed to me. I won't be part of any man's harem.
Yes, better boundaries. Next this guy...oxytocin will make you attached. You are attached without *really* realizing it. Even if it is awesome sex...what are you going to do when he moves on to another woman?
I think if you’re getting attached a FWB relationship won’t work. I think it’s SUPER rare they work out anyway, and I know there’s many on here that won’t approve of them at all. but I (controversially) think they can work IF you lower your standards because why not have a relationship with that person? Obviously if you’re just having a physical relationship with this guy then there’s a reason you don’t want an actual relationship with him.
I would advise on not having one, since you‘d be lowering your standards And I don’t think we should be doing that. Also I think we tend to end up with hurt feelings.
but if you choose to do this, you need to have extremely strong boundaries
I am going through the same thing. What started off in the beginning as just a FWB has led to nothing at all. Hurts like a relationship although it wasn’t. Unfortunately, I too got caught up.