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Here's where most women get screwed over. They open up about their past traumas and how men mistreated them to other men. Most men are NV and DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT have any empathy for women whatsoever. Women project their own empathy and morals onto men. This is one of the biggest lessons that I learned from FDS.
Men will re-enact the trauma you tell them about onto you. Men will not put up with a fraction of what women put up with. So opening up to them about your insecurities and traumatic experiences makes them see you as an easy target to manipulate with low standards and no boundaries. They will see you as pathetic and feel entitled to treat you the way your ex did, or if you went through something traumatic they will see you as damaged goods and find a way to use your insecurities and trauma against you. Most men are sick. This not about male validation, FDS women do not care about men think of us. This is about protecting ourselves from LVM by not presenting them with information to traumatize us.
I do not care if a man is a high value man. He does not need to know everything about your life. When it comes to your past traumas, talk to a therapist, talk to trusted female friends, talk to your mother. But don't talk to men about these things. I understand there may be a few exceptions if you've found a HVM, but generally men don't need to know everything about you, it's unecessary.
Women often argue with me that they dO NoT wAnT tO sTarT tHe rElaTiOnsHiP bAseD oFf a LiE. Most men are LVM and you're setting yourself up for more trauma if you think men have empathy and don't lie. For those of you with a moral superiority complex, here's the difference. Women should lie to protect themselves from their biggest natural predator, men. However, when men lie to women it's because they want to manipulate, cheat on, or abuse women. These men will think it's a greenlight to also treat you like trash because you've accepted this behaviour in the past and they will seeth and feel angry when you don't let them treat you like your ex did.
I do not disclose the details of my breakup ever. I just say one of us moved countries or we didn't want the same things. I lie to men and talk about all the expensive vacations my ex took me on, how he'd surprise me with gifts and take me out to nice restaurants , buy me flowers. I act like I've never had a bad dating experience. If they press for details on why we broke up I tell them I did not want kids (I am child-free) but my ex did, so we parted ways and it was wonderful relationship and I have so much respect for my gentleman ex. In actual fact my dating history pre-FDS consists of a LVM, a manipulator and a diagnosed narcissist. But only my therapist and best friend needs to know about this.
The men who can't meet this standard where I expect Princess treatment, weed themselves out immediately. If they try to argue my standards I shut them down with "well my ex did and all the men in my life do it for their partners, I suppose it's a cultural difference anyway, as men in my culture make sure to be financially stable enough to take care of their women." The block & delete.
I also act shocked if a man exhibits any bad or manipulative behaviour and pretend I've never met a man who has done such a thing. Then block & delete.
This post was inspired by this tiktok video
Definitely worth a watch
“When it comes to your past traumas, talk to a therapist”
I’d go even further and say don’t even have a male therapist. Avoid talking about your trauma to any male even if
he’s “qualified“ or if the relationship is “professional“
I had a male therapist that got noticeably sexually aroused (hard) when I opened up about something traumatic that happened to me. He got very angry at me when I shut down and became very short with him and complained about my “lack of effort” to my mother and told her I needed to be disciplined.
Lots of nvm get psychology degrees for malicious reasons.
This post was SPECTACULAR!!!!!!! Thank God for FDS and for this reminder post. Pre-FDS, I made the mistake of telling an ex about my sexual abuse during college, which led to trauma based promiscuity when I was 19/20. When my ex and I got into a fight, the first thing he would do is call me a hoe and say I’m disgusting because I “fucked all those dudes”. Keep in mind I started dating him at 24 and he was 26. It was also coming from a point of insecurity from him because he was ugly and had a very small penis, so I was his 2nd girlfriend ever and also the obviously more attractive one.
Now, when I bother to talk to men, I lie and say I’ve only been with 2 men and they were both exes who I ended engagements with because of the pressure for marriage and baby. Lol. Before FDS I would have felt so guilty and think that I should just be honest and just stay strong in who I am as a person because my past doesn’t reflect my character. But now
I know better. FUCK THAT! This is not an ideal and fair world; therefore I might as well play the game to my advantage. MEN WILL ALWAYS BRING UP YOUR PAST TO HURT YOU!
I don't disagree with this but there are nuances. If I'm going to have a partner that partner has to share my values. Respect, empathy and compassion.
It takes years to get to know someone but never telling someone you love about your life because of fear doesn't seem great to me.
A lot of men are scrotes but not all. There are good men. So I agree with protecting yourself and sharing very little about your struggles for the first years. Is he able to truly be compassionat towards you?
Real honest love needs vulnerability. That doesn't mean you trauma dump but that you tell the people you love how you feel and why you feel that. To do that you also need to tell your story.
This advice is great in the early dating stages but not if you have been together 5 years.
I did feel like I "had" to make the mistake of opening up about my insecurities just to realize how it looks and feels when a man uses them against you and has no empathy for you whatsoever. The experience obviously sucks, but I feel it has also armed me with knowledge and strengthened my boundaries. Now I know if a man reacts to a weakness or trigger of mine a certain way, he's bad news, and I'd rather know that early on. My partner is a very safe person to talk to who has never invalidated me and is very motivated to never upset me in any way, and I wouldn't have found out had I not told him anything. That said, men just don't know what it's like to be a woman. You'll always feel a little exhausted after talking to a man about your experience as a woman because even if he empathizes, he can't relate. For most misogyny-based traumas, it's still best to talk to another woman.
I agree with 99% in principle and already apply most of this (I also do the "but other men do it" trick lol).
But there's one thing that don't sit well with me about all this and I said it before. I don't want to date a man who won't retraumatize me only because I haven't told him my traumas. If that's the only thing standing between the man and him hurting me, I don't want that man.
That would be living a lie, and so I have come to the conclusion that this approach taken to the extreme, will increase your chance of being with a liar, a long con man, or a narcissist.
To me personally, it's honestly safer to share strategically and see how he reacts, and bail. Or it's safer to avoid men altogether.
I don't see the benefit of investing in a long term relationship with a man who I think would retraumatize me. I think that's just dangerous. This is not about wanting to share everything, this is about basic trust.
"Doesn't use weakness against me" is pretty at the top of my standard list. There aren't many ways of vetting for this other than releasing carefully selected chunks of information and observe how he behaves.
So yeah, I guess that past the initial stage where I approach dating as a CIA secret agent, I'm of a different school of thought for what has to happen afterwards.
Great post! I’ve implemented this piece of advice for years! Sadly, most men are not very emotionally evolved. So even with a good guy, the most you’ll probably get is, “ damn, I’m sorry that happened.” However, worst-case scenario, you may end up finding out your guy is turned on by your trauma or will use it against you later on. Disclosing trauma especially sexual, is very high risk and low reward.
Okay so I agree 1000% on this, but have never had a chance to put into practice the whole being dishonest about past partners thing. My main concern would be, for example, once my potential partner and I have been together a while and he has met my lifelong friends, what if my friends told him the truth about my past partners being shitty? What would happen if my partner found out I had been lying? I think it's best to be as vague as possible while still being positive when talking about past relationships, but I wouldn't go out of my way to lie about a past partner taking me on trips or something because that might only open a can of worms, like if my partner asked for details or if they mentioned it to a mutual friend or whatever. I'm not sure how I'd go about handling that.