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Hi queens.
I’m having a really hard time with the fact that my abusive LV ex-husband had moved on.
I was with my ex husband for 6.5 years. We split up last year in July so it’s been a little over a year. We were granted a divorce this past April. The divorce proceeding took 9 months.
I came to the states when I was 19 and had no family or friends or any support whatsoever. I was young and had just escaped from my abusive and controlling parents in my home country. He was a step up from my alcoholic and severely abusive father. I thought he was the greatest man in the world. I had never had a guy treat me so well. He is 14 years older than me. We started dating when I was 20 and got married when I was 21. I was alone and lost. I had so little. He made everything better and made everything I wanted craved for possible. All of a sudden I had a family. A place to go to during Christmas thanksgiving and 4th of July. I had someone with a lot more life experience to guide me through life when I was so estranged from my parents had no parental guidance. I could trust and confide in someone close and intimate. Which I had never experienced in my entire life before. He took care of me. He was charming and charismatic. Gym body, well endowed, loyal, dependable, predictable. I fell deeply in love with him.
But really nothing about that relationship was right. He tried to control and manipulate me and was verbally and physically abusive. And oh. He is also an alcoholic, and had relapsed later in our relationship. I didn’t like a lot about the person he was and of course I tried to change him. We got married bc i needed a green card to stay in this country. I had to do anything within my power to not have to go back home to my abusive parents. He made it possible for me to have a chance at life. He was my lover, my parent, my best friend. He was my savior.
As I matured and grew to become more and more independent the abuse got worse and worse. Gaslighting. Scolding. Pushing me. Pinning me down. Throwing me on the floor. Choking me. Hitting me. And then we’d have the most amazing time together once he made sure I was temporarily tamed and obedient again. The cycle continued. When I was vulnerable he was there for me. When I was happy, independent and thriving he made sure I suffered.
Our break up was sudden. Law enforcement was involved. We didn’t say goodbye. It was not amicable. No closure. I yanked him out of my life and put an order of protection against him just a couple months after I finally got my permanent green card. I hate that it had to end this way. I didn’t get to say goodbye to the good part of the relationship. To the positive things he was to me. But I know it couldn’t have happened any other way.
When I broke things off I didn’t just lose him. I lost my family. I lost most of my support. I lost my best friend. I had just realized how isolated I was when I was with him. I didn’t make many close friendships during my relationship with him. I felt like things went back to how they were when I was 20. I’m alone. Yet again. It felt like a nightmare.
It’s been a year since we broke up. I did hard work. I’ve gotten strong enough to feel comfortable being alone and having little support. I’m HV, I’ve improved my looks and physique. I’m poised, I’m strong and unbothered by men. Having a man is no longer my priority. Not even close. I got a high earning career, I started a side business in real estate. I made things happen. I’m a beautiful, mature, smart, savvy grown ass woman.
then yesterday I found his girlfriend commenting on his social media. She has an YouTube channel. I looked at a video from 4 months ago. She had a plant in her living room. I know it was from him. It was his pot.
I’m crushed. Idk why. I haven’t svttopped crying. Being at work is very difficult today. Her instagram bio says She’s a feminist, disability and racial injustice advocate. Seems like a great person I’d hit it off with. I felt trust in her. I know why she’d be attracted to him. But I know at some point she will make the right decision for herself. She would have to have better judgment than the 20 year old me. He’s an ignorant and indifferent idiot. He doesn’t have the capacity and depth to understand the underprivileged.
I thought of them obsessively. I can’t stop but look her up on social media. I couldn’t sleep last night. all those feelings that I thought I had worked through all came back. I’m so exhausted and don’t know what to do. My brain is shut down and not letting me find ways to cope and self soothe. Im self blaming for still having this kind of feeling for my abuser. I know I won’t find what I need to hear anywhere but here. Any words of encouragement or advice would be appreciated. Thank you queens.c
You aren’t missing what you had,
but what you thought you had. I think you envy this other woman because she must still be seeing his mask, while you can never un-see what you know is behind it.
But this is going to pass. You are strong and brave as fuck. Your future self is going to be so grateful to you for living thru this and caring for yourself thru it. I agree about staying off social media. And maybe consider some PTSD treatment if you’re not already getting it?
You are not alone. You are not the poor helpless 20yr old girl. You rescued her. You are a survivor and a badass. Congratulations on your green card and career. You did all the right things. You’ll never be that poor helpless girl again. What you’re feeling is normal. Humans are complicated and many things at once. Acknowledge that the good parts of him were part of his manipulation even though you cherished those parts. Acknowledge that the torrent of confusing and painful emotions you feel is part of the healing process. You’re young. You’re smart. You’ll find love, structure and community. Feel your feelings. Count yourself lucky that you escaped this man who groomed you and wanted to keep you small. Forgive yourself for everything you had to suffer to survive. It is not your fault. You’re resilient and amazing. Well done!
Also, delete Instagram for a set time. Maybe a month, maybe more. When you crave that sort of pseudonymous online interaction get on FDS, great podcasts and fill that time with other joys.
And please do not torture yourself by looking at their social media. Please.
He has not changed. He's still the abusive prick you knew, he's just holding up the mask for the new gf. It sucks to see 'what could have been', but it's an illusion. You were in love with a ghost. The person you loved doesn't exist.
Do yourself a favour and block everything. You don't need to see that. Next time you're tempted, distract yourself with something else
You’re allowed to feel sad! Eventually you will get over this relationship. All those feelings are a normal part of life!
also he treated you bad, and I’m sure he will treat this new girlfriend badly too. So you aren’t missing out on anything. I’d also take a social media break! I absolutely hate it, and I think it ruins peoples mental health. just step away and work on yourself and healing. you got this!
I know these feelings. I fear for the women who date my exes after me. They can’t be helped, as I know they’re not open to it (one was brainwashed from day 1, the other a traitor who didn’t even ask if it was okay to date my ex) but I still worry about the long-term consequences if they end up with these men in the end. I’m tired of watching women get abused. I’m tired of watching people who were developing a well-rounded life shrink back into the box their partners squash them into. You have the same mentality of wanting to rescue other women from the same fate, and since this woman seems like your kind of person, you can always try. The risk is, she gets unpleasant or stupidly tells her ex who will get scary and contact you, so if doing something proactive will help you, do it.