Need advice - dealing with sudden "crush"

Thank you for this advice. It's true, I do judge myself, most likely because I am afraid of not repeating the same mistakes again.

Anytime! Think of it sort of like someone quitting smoking. They'll crave a cigarette every once in a while, they may even indulge in a smoke. Being harsh on themselves for the craving, or for smoking, will not serve them in the long run. Acknowledging that they felt that craving though, understanding that it takes a while for nicotine to leave the system, and even acknowledging that there was pleasure in smoking is a much better option. Even just having an honest conversation with themselves if they do slip up and smoke, they can just say "I'm trying to quit, but I had a cigarette today. I'm still trying my best, and it's normal to not do it 100% perfectly" and then continue to try again. Going the path of "I suck, I'm bad, I can't do it right" will just make everything harder. I totally understand your fear of making mistakes, I've had to come to terms with similar fears. You can again acknowledge that you didn't act the way that served you best in the past. Instead of judgement and fear though, you can say to yourself "I will live a life worthy of me. I've made mistakes in the past, and it's ok because I'm human. I have learned to identify what serves me best, and I will do my best to live my worth". Be kind to yourself, I recommend reading the book "Radical Acceptance " by Tara Brach. It's helped me a lot with my healing journey.

I was going to post the same thing she said, radical acceptance does wonders.

Besides, crushes can be fun! Seeing him gives you a nice feeling, that's a good thing (in and of itself). When I get crushes, I don't act on them because I know it's silly, but I do consciously enjoy the fun feelings that those chemicals give me running through my body.

Sometimes it's hard to trust yourself not to act on those feelings and I think that's part of the reason why this situation is so uncomfortable for you, but if you take a moment to be still and breathe, more often than not, you'll notice that you have much more control over your body and your decisions than you think you do. Be open to the fact that your fears might not be justified. I bet you can trust yourself to make the right decisions. You seem self-aware enough to do so. Good luck sis!

Yeah this could work, though why this crush kind of threw me off balance is because for almost 2 years (since I blocked and went nc with ex) I didn't feel any kind of crush for men at all. Even if I would notice someone attractive, I'd be like "eh, he looks good" but that was it. And I enjoyed being in this state of mind lol.

So suddenly crushing on some random coworker that I haven't even spoken to was a bit of a shock. Maybe it just means I have healed from previous relationshit :)

@artemis I also am in a similar situation of getting a crush out of nowhere and then having to deal with it. Finally, I just accepted it (haven’t read radical acceptance, though!) and I let myself check out the crush‘s social media and that of people around him. I’m treating him just like a celebrity crush, where you look at things, but do not act (unless a crazy stan). And it helps because I see a lot to show me he and I are not compatible. But I still am attracted to him, though it’s getting less as time goes on.

But if your coworker is single, and there is nothing wrong per se with him, maybe you fell in love at first sight? Perhaps test the waters and see if he picks up the vibe and acts?

@Jaeswoon Mine doesn't have social media at all lmao, all you can find on him is work related stuff so who knows. Maybe it is for the best to not give too much thought into it :)

Lmao! That sounds like a really fun game to play 😂

Yeah, mine likes Elon Musk, and I loathe Elon, but it didn’t cure the crush for me. It does tell me the crush will pass because it’s not a deep connection with shared values. Or maybe it will never pass, but because his and my values are different, I won’t be too attached.

Interesting. Your post reminded me of "Gift of Fear" book by Gavin de Becker. Way back when I was younger in high school, I was attracted to one guy and it was just good feelings. Then few years later I met him again and while I did feel attraction, I also felt anxious as hell. Later I found out that the guy got into shady stuff and became very toxic, especially towards girls he dated. Anxiety gets touted as a normal part of crushing on someone, but maybe it is our brain trying to warn us.

I think the reason anxiety is associated with a crush is because boys feel anxiety when they have to impress women and ask us out and a lot of movies and mainstream dating advice is written by men or influenced by movie tropes.

@Katrina I agree. I have no anxiety about my crush, because I know he is not a match. I could ignore him in real life easily. But that doesn’t fit the crush narrative we all know!

Yeah, feeling not fading after a month is what made me go "WTF!" 😂 Thankfully this thread has put things into perspective (and I am so thankful) I think the feeling is finally fading away