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This is my first time posting on this sub, but I've been lurking on FDS forums for a few years now. For context, I'm 21 years old and don't have much dating experience, so I tend to fallback on pick me tendencies. I recently went on a date with a guy who seemed genuinely interested in me and at the time I didn't notice any red flags. However, I haven't heard from him since our last date, (which was well over a week ago), and it's given me some time to reflect. I admittedly decided this man was a HVM in my head well before getting to know him, and I now see how many red flags I missed. 🚩 I met him at a bar when we were both drunk, and he was EXTREMELY touchy and made out with me without hesitation (i tried to justify this by saying we were both drunk)
🚩 he drove me home and was more than comfortable spending the night at my place (i thought it was sweet he wanted to cuddle 🤮)
🚩 he said he would text me monday to schedule a time for a date he was planning the next day on tuesday, but I didn't hear from him till almost 5:30 on tuesday asking me if i was still "down to go out"
🚩 he's an awful communicator and goes days without texting, using work as an excuse as to why he can't text everyday (although is still active on instagram)
🚩 when i told him that it bothered me that he doesn't text as often, he replied with snarky remarks, teasing me for expecting him to text back and told me not to "hold my breath"
I could probably list a few others but do i really need to? I'm so upset at myself for believing this scrote masquerading as a HVM. I find myself romanticizing the bare minimum and end up putting these men on pedestals before thouroughly vetting them. I sound pathetic and desperate, and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for letting this happen yet again. I definitely need to reread the handbook and consistently apply it to my dating life, but some words of wisdom or even just some support would be greatly appreciated :)
Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m in my mid- thirties and still look back at more recent incidences and feel like a clown. It’s just part of the human experience. Think of FDS like a recovery program. Yes, you now have the tools you need to succeed and you’re going to get better, but you’re still going to slip up here and there. Each time you go through something like this and make mistakes, it will hurt but it will also be a learning experience. Please block this man if you haven’t already. And you already known this I’m sure, but please, PLEASE never accept a ride with someone you don’t know well or allow them in your home (or go to theirs). I’m not trying to condescend to you, but I feel it’s necessary to say this for your safety.
But on the bright side, it’s wonderful that you found FDS so young! That’s going to put you at a really great advantage while dating in your 20s. FDS will help you ensure that your time is invested wisely. Just stick with it and I’m sure you’ll be a pro in a few years.
How will you form your own red flags without witnessing how bad some of this crap feels? It is a life lesson, we all need them from time to time. I think part of the reason women here are so hardcore about blocking and deleting is that we are not men. That man could have raped and killed you in your bed. That man could have wasted years of your time. That man could have gotten you pregnant. So much happens to us that doesn't happen to men. "He replied with snarky remarks, teasing me for expecting him to text back and told me not to "hold my breath". Sounds like an abuser, I just wish you found this out before you let him in your house. I am twice your age, I have done a lot of silly crap after projecting my humanity on to men and have ended up feeling shame, embarassment and disgust. If you need to cuddle, get a pet. The pet actually deserves it. They are adorable little shids that can't make you feel stupid. If you want to know how hard it is, I once thought a guy who put a stale chocolate and a note on my door "seemed sweet unlike the rest of them". I snapped out of it quickly and asked politely for him to leave me alone (he lives in my building and I was worried he'd kill me.). It's that good men are so rare that it forces us to have a self-imposed temporary lobodomy just to deal with them. The important thing is you caught it and learned. Next time catch it BEFORE being that vulnerable with them. Most will not deserve it. MOST. My man takes me out a few times a week and brings me small gifts every time I see him. He is not some loser scrote in my building being creepy. You will be able to tell the difference when you meet him. He will show up for you, pay for you, and you wont cry or feel stupid for an extended period of time.
You are doing so well for carefully going over your date, listing the red flags and identifying what you weren't ok with. Yay you!
As you live throughout your 20s, be sure to take breaks from dating bc it will get exhausting and you will get burnt out. Going from one dude to the next will take its toll and is best avoided. You got this.
He drove drunk in the age of Lyft and Uber. That deserves an automatic block. Guys are good at pretending to be people they aren't in the beginning so don't beat yourself up over that. Don't be mad at yourself over that. You see the red flags now and thats all that matters. But please never get in a car with someone that has been drinking.