My inner pick-me saboteur is feeling guilty for not paying for dates with amazing HVM

"I am not used to being taken care of. Even now that I have a great career and bought my own apartment, it's something that makes me feel a bit... undeserving."

Same.

This is a demon I'm still working on kicking down the stairs.

First, I caution you against calling him HV yet. It's still early days and attaching the label will block you from spotting any red flags.

When people treat folks like us, it kicks up a lot of feelings about self-worth.

What has helped me work on feeling deserving is to remind myself how far I've come, how much I've accomplished, that I deserve a turn at the trough (for a change) and it's payback for all the shit I had to endure growing up and in my life.

Also, remind yourself in the moment that the only thing you have to do is tolerate being treated well. Just tolerate it. It feels so foreign to us because we're workhorses who got nothing but abuse.

As you're tolerating niceness, notice what it stirs inside you. Analyzing that can help you stay present and then later examine those triggers. Then you can work through them.

Enjoy the nice dates and keep your vetting goggles on!

Remember that a HVM wants to pay. They’re proud to be able to take a date somewhere nice. He would be insulted if you offer to pay for a date he took you out on.

It is ok to treat a high value man but do not feel guilty when you won't. Do men in general feel guilty when you do most of the child rearing or household? they don't.

Just wanted to say that you're not alone in this feeling! After the first couple dates I'm always a little anxious when the check comes because I don't know if he's losing respect for me by not offering to split, etc. But then I remind myself who cares? If a man were to change his mind about me over something so trivial, he doesn't deserve me anyway. If the dates are starting to weigh on his wallet, the LEAST he could do is suggest cheaper (but thoughtful) dates that will still impress you instead. It's not your responsibility to plan the dates, and the person who plans the date should always pay.

Speaking for myself, as someone who was not easily given nurturance by parental figures, adultified early, and didn’t experience the normalization of expressing needs:

• I am working on getting my life as good as I can get it, then adding tax, so the basics of courtship don’t impress me by themselves;

• Several years into therapy and continuing this disentangling of past trauma, including scarcity mentality with regard to love, “things,” etc. that my family system didn’t naturally give me;

• Practicing joyful receptivity in my life in all ways (not just dating, which is on pause);

• Paying attention to how reciprocal the relationships in my life are so I am not resentful of “over-giving and under-getting,” so basically vetting everywhere;

• Treating my inner world with utter care;

• Same goes for my outer material world too (often that involves money, effort, energy, and other investments in myself).

Whenever I get this feeling of ”not being worthy” to be treated on dates, I remember that women are generally paid less per hour for the same type of job men do, we take much more time on average to get ready than a man, our products cost more (pink tax), and we’re put in a greater danger going on a date with a man than vice versa. So all of these things considered are well worth a measely 20-50$ dinner date.

If this doesn’t help put things in a perspective, you can “double-down” on your inner pickme and believe that HVM actually want to pay for dates so you’re “doing him a favour”.

I also recommend reading the book called “The power of the pussy” by Kara King. She gives great advice, one of which is to imagine that your pussy is a, let’s say, 500$ bill. Would you just hand it over to anyone? No. So attribute whatever “price“ you want to your pussy and then only “give it out” once “the price has been paid”. For example: “my pussy is worth 1000$ so I will only sleep with a man after the equivalent or higher value has been paid in dates/gifts”. NOT saying you should sleep with him, though, so just takes what works for you.

Anyway, glad it’s been going well so far. Please keep us updated 😊.

PS.: My ex paid for EVERY dinner and date and 80% of trips we went on for the entirety of our relationship (1+ year) so don’t feel bad requiring the same. Also remember: if he wanted to, he would 🙂

”Imagine a fast cowboy with a gun but it's him with his wallet."

I see a lot of good answers and have nothing valuable to add except to say this quote made my day. It's how an HVM should act on a date. No excuses, no exceptions. Any man who dithers about paying the bill is an LVM.

I'd love to hear updates!

It’s wonderful that you’ve met a decent man, but I also want to point out that if you’re a self-identified “very insecure person,” you have some more inner work and leveling-up to do. Whatever happens with this guy, keep nurturing your own self-esteem, embodying in your thoughts and actions that you are a HVW. That will make you happier than any man can.

Same issue here haha

In addition to what’s already been mentioned, my therapist had a good idea that’s actually been working pretty well for me to get over it.

The root thing you want to increase is your own self worth and what you believe you deserve. If that’s low right now there’s a good chance you aren‘t treating your own self with the love and respect you deserve (either in actions or your internal monologue).

Her idea was more or less “fake it til you make it”. Like think about how a fairytale person who loves you a crazy amount would treat you, and then do those things. Like write them out, put them on your calendar, etc.

As you get in a habit of doing the things, the internal monologue progresses, and slowly the actual self worth and self love progresses. Like basically over time, someone treating you right will convince you you can expect to be treated right - just in the case that person is you tricking yourself.

And when you set up the list you have to have HVM sort of standards for the “other you” person. Like you have a career and a house - which is great. But if you were vetting a man, your response would be “okay so you have the minimum to not be a liability to me, what else? What else will you do to add to my life?” And not just material things, but how will that person treat you?

I am exactly like you. Sabotaged so many good relationships by my inner pick me. What I’m trying to do now is remind myself the importance of staying in my feminine energy. It’s not about being taken care of, it’s about being able to stay in my feminine energy and feel comfortable which I can only do if the guy treats me well.