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I am first generation american, born and raised here but my parents are immigrants. I am late 30s, a lawyer, and super fit (I work out 5-6x a week and live an active life). My moms friend called me out the blue and asked to set me up with a guy my age from my country of origin. She said "you will never find a better guy." I said I would talk to him but knew there was likely no similarities as I'm rather Americanized.
So this guy called me today and he had a very thick accent. He has a college degree from our country and a good job working with computers. I had to really focus to understand him, as he moved to the US around age 30. He initially said he works out but admitted he is overweight and does not exercise much anynore but that he wants to get in shape. I could tell by his pic that he is fat and bald. I asked how he spends his free time and he said he hangs out with a group of men from our country or takes walks in the park.
He seems like a perfectly nice guy but I am not interested. I didnt find him attractive and the accent threw me off. Also, I don't feel compatible with inactive men because being fit and healthy is a big part of my identity.
When I relayed the call to my mom, she went off on me. She said "he can join a gym and get in shape." I said I am not here to change people, I accept them for who they are without the hopes that they will change. I said a man pushing 40 is not going to change his lifestyle for someone else. She said 'well you're pushing 40 too', which was not my point. And she said I am way too picky and will end up with a loser if I keep rejecting men like this.. She wants me to go on a date but I hate doing that when I know I will not have interest. It is true that I do nitpick guys from my culture when people attempt to do these set ups but it boils down to me not having interest in these arrangements. My parents dont know about the American men that I do date and the relationships I have been in. I would only tell them about someone if it got serious.
So I lost my cool and went off on her. And I blocked her for my own sanity.
I know I am older but I don't have any interest in further getting to know this man. Tthere is notniny about him that makes me think he is a catch. I make more money than him, am in better shape, and care for myself far better. Yes, these are superficial things but someone being "nice" is not going to do it for me.
Am I in the wrong here?
He's a charity case they were hoping to foist off on you. Good for you for sticking up for yourself.
If he wants to work out, he can do that himself. You gain NOTHING from being with him.
A 40 y.o. single woman means there are no decent men. A 40 y.o. single man means he can't get a woman to give him the time of day.
Pickme mothers are usually very passive aggressive and jealous of their own daughters.
My mother often does the same thing. I'm very fit, young and attractive. My mother tells me I'll never find a guy unless I'm willing to date a guy I'm not attracted to.
She always tries to argue with me when I say I'd rather be alone.
Like okay, I spend hours in the gym, maintain a healthy organic diet, cook all my meals from scratch, maintain a skincare routine, do my hair everyday, brush, floss and whiten my teeth, shave, do my nails, make myself smell good, create awesome outfits ect.. Just so I can settle down with a balding goofy looking shrek/gollum that neglects his appearance and hygiene.
Totally makes sense. Definitely a fair trade for all my effort. 🤡 Just because previous generations of women were forced to date down doesn't mean we have to. I mean how dare us women only want to commit to men we see as fuckable. It's not like men do that all the time. 🙄
Ew, I'm with you. He sounds gross. You are absolutely right about men nearing 40 and their lifestyles - if they are already fat and inactive it will always be a struggle for them to overcome this.
Yes, we are picky. We SHOULD be picky. If someone who is looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with isn't picky, they are headed for trouble. Stay picky!
Your mum said you will end up with a loser, but you know you won't. You're in control of who you date and you know your standards, and why you have them. I don't know what to say about your mum. She might not ever understand and it might be something you just have to live with.
These are not superficial thoughts at all. Not in the least bit. Every sane adult human being should be " nice" by default.
The stuff that bothers you/ red flags you choose to ignore the first time you meet someone will be the reason you end a relationship after many years wasted. You are asking for the bare minimum. Someone you are attracted to and who has the same values as you. Women are constantly bullied and gaslit into lowering our standards. We're told we are shallow and socialized to adjust for men. I have never heard of a man being forced to be with someone he's not attracted to. Men are allowed to have standards and preferences, but women are not allowed to ask for the bare minimum.
Your feelings are valid. Your mother is completely out of line and your frustrations are valid. Also block the pickme aunty who thought it was okay to introduce you to such a man.
No, you're not wrong and I'm glad you blocked your family. Better living a free and vibrant life as a single woman than shackled to and cleaning up after a man-child.
Nope. Your parents are though.
Your not wrong at all. Why on earth would you as a healthy, accomplished grown woman want a big bald guy you don’t even understand?!?! It must be difficult to go against your cultural norms so kudos to you.
This guy would bring you down to his level; overweight and probably losing your own hair from the stress of him.
End up with a loser from being too picky? Makes about as much sense as getting flabby from excercising.
She might as well be telling you down is up and water is dry.
Worst part of being single is not the single part (it's awesome, actually!), it's the people around you that think you are "defective".
No you're not wrong. Definitely not! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. It really sucks when your own parent doesn't have your best interest in mind. Your mom reminds me of Mrs. Bennett from Pride and Prejudice. She had no trouble at all trying to force Elizabeth to marry odious Mr. Collins, even though she knew Elizabeth had no interest in him and Mr. Collins was... Well, Mr. Collins. Luckily Elizabeth stood her ground and so did you!! Well done for blocking your mom. Keep slaying!!!
She's worried you'll end up with a loser so she's pairing you with a (probably) loser too.
Logic 10,000
But I'm familiar with that type of setting. Don't worry, you're doing good holding onto your standards. He gets a chance to find a woman who will be happy with him and you get a chance to find a man who will make you happy as well.
Is he Nigerian 😂. Well done on blocking your mother. She sounds incredibly toxic and dangerous. This is the type of person that would encourage you to stay in an abusive relationship just because they're focused on what other people think.
No you are not. You are not a charity worker, this is not your job. You vet the men the exact same regardless of how they come to you. You weren't attracted? You weren't attracted. PERIOD.