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My boyfriend is deeply in love with me. I love him, too. But he displays many scrote-like and low value behaviors. I don’t want to list then out for anonymity’s sake, but while 90% of the time he is extremely loving, like 10% of the time he has behaviors that I think can become emotionally abusive or manipulative. Examples include that he once tried to steal a water bottle at self checkout, he asks me if I am cheating constantly and is jealous when I go to the gym or do stuff alone (eg spend the day exploring in the city nearby and then go home) because I may interact with other guys. There’s even worse stuff too.
Anyways this guy declares his love for me 24/7 and is very charming and loving over all. However I know he long term, being with him freaks me out. I have seen his crazy and bad side and I don’t want it to get worse.
I was essentially a femcel until my late 20’s when I ironically got chubby and post/wall and got a shower of male attention. I was never used to male attention. I didn’t even think I would ever kiss or get married because I was a femcel.
I don’t want to be alone again. I don’t have confidence that I will find someone else.
How do I break up? And I am scared he will retaliate if I do.
The kind/mean dynamic is How abusers manipulate us. This is abuse. You’re being groomed for a Trauma Bond. Read up on Narcissistic Manipulation and see if any of that sounds familiar. I bet you recognize a lot of it.
I know what it is like to know you need to quit something but feel you lack the strength to do it, whether it be a boyfriend, a habit, alcohol, etc. I've found the best way to quit toxic boyfriends you feel you can't leave is the same way to leave behind toxic habits you feel you can't shake - go spend some extended time in a different environment (without him, obviously). Go stay with someone in another town, go on a trip with some girlfriends, literally do anything you can to switch environments and force yourself to be away from him for awhile. Do it as soon as possible, tonight even if you can. If you can't leave town, maybe just stay with a friend or a family member. Once you've seen that you are okay without him and have had some time to reflect away from him, it will be easier to assert a boundary and break things off with him. But it's very hard to just wake up one day after being in the rhythm of a routine with this guy and just break the routine. By leaving town for awhile, you are already breaking the routine, and the rest comes more easily. Hope that makes sense. This is the first step I took to successfully quit drinking and smoking weed several years ago.
You deserve someone that treats you like a queen 110% of the time, not 90, not 99. 110%. Do not pardon the little things. We have faith in you. You got this.
This man is a psychopath hate to tell you. He’s an abuser. He’s also a thief. This is anti social behaviour. Stealing the water bottle is actually a very telling sign. he enjoys power and control. He’s a psychopath I promise you. breaking up will be painful but you cannot marry this man. Also you said you’re afraid of him retaliating that is alarming. You should not just break up but can you stay with family or have someone stay with you? if you live alone make sure you have someone with you. You’ll be okay but if he can get you alone and corner you very likely you won’t be able to leave him. As someone said ’Why Does He Do That’ by Lindy Bancroft is a good and Important book on Abuse.
My really abusive ex was only bad 10% and was lovely the other 90%. That’s how they do it. If they were always awful, it’d be so much simpler. We cling to the good and try to rationalise the bad. There should be no bad. Ever.
OK. When he does the toxic stuff, tell him "no." Be nice about it, but keep with the "no." Only do this, if you think he won't get physical. Keep with the "no". Your strength will come the more disgusted you get with how he does not respect you.
Is this for real?
Post wall?
This jealous and possessive behavior is simply not ok and could lead to further abuse in the future.
Saying “I love you” out loud does not mean someone loves you. The actions must align with the verbalisations. Your boyfriend doesn’t love you, he loves controlling you.
I strongly recommend you read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft and “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin De Becker to get the ball rolling.
Focus on your level up journey and unlearning this horrid misogynistic language you use on yourself. Don’t date until your self-respect and self-esteem has become an impenetrable fortress that you constantly improve on. Stay strong sis.
So a couple of thoughts/suggestions:
1) Know that you have power. You are not helpless. It might feel like you can’t leave or live without him, but you can.
2) My guess is all the things he’s doing that make you feel loved by him, are actually him being possessive and attached. There might be some real love there as well, but don’t confuse the two.
3) Read Daily Wisdoms for Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft - it’s just a couple minutes of readings a day. You can download on it your phone.
4) Getting physical and emotional space can be very beneficial to sort out your feelings and come up with a plan. Can you go somewhere for a long weekend or take a vacation?
5) Do not discuss your feelings about your partner, or that you’re considering leaving to your partner. Keep things light and casual.
I don't have as much to offer for coming up with an actionable plan to leave - some ideas though: you can enlist a trained counselor or find resources online.
You need a safety plan stat! Those are searchable online but I’d say use invisible mode to search. When I was getting ready to leave my first LV husband, in the 90s, I bought a tiny notebook and made my own safety plan. I inventoried all my belongings and made a budget. During the few months before I left, my sister gave me a bookshelf and I stocked it with all manner of household goods. I got caught out 24 hours before I would have left anyway; the leasing agent called and ex picked up so I told him. He flounced off in a huff and spent the night at a friends’ so bye Felipe! Level up by feeling 100% content on your own. It’s a process and it takes a while. Work on yourself. Take time to do an inventory on yourself: where you’ve been, where you are, where you want to be. Make a vision board. Write a bucket list. Invest in you!
Run, sis. I don't have constructive advice of getting out safely but if you are scared that he might retaliate then you MUST leave asap. I would advice first addressing your issues cause if you are afraid of being alone you will just end up with similar relationships. Desperation is not a place from where you get anywhere near high value life.