My 1-year journey on dating apps both as a pick-me and during/after my journey with FDS

Hello sisters.

I decided to post my rant about my dates during this year. At the start of the year I had never heard about FDS and had zero standards. My dating journey begins after 5 years with the most abusive, lazy, unloving person that left me completely broken. I would love to one day post all the shit this man put me through, but it's so pathetic, just thinking of admitting to all of you feels humiliating.

I have, in the past, debated the efficiency of dating apps in some other comment thread. At the time, someone told me I would not find a High-Value Man in an app - I know now that this is true (sorry to whoever I debated this with!), but also don't regret it as it has helped me get a lot of experience in ever sense. My dates, by order:

1# The Beer-Belly

I decided to jump on dating apps for the first time in my life, right after my break up 🚨 not the smartest choice, I know. On my first date, I got there with a 'this will go bad/he will not be interested' mentality, thinking about all the bad date stories I had read on Reddit - I was very surprised this guy was super into me. It became obvious that his photos in the app were super old, and that became very clear when I saw what was supposedly a rugged rugby player was actually a tiny, beer-bellied nerdy man. I was very nervous, was just happy I wasn't stood up. (Michelle Visage voice: Standards? I hardly know her!). The bill came and... I didn't let him pay for my food 🙃🙃🙃 and then paid HIM a beer which he did not refuse. After that, we had 3 dates. I was hoping for him to pay for them, or offer to, at least. Guess what - he did not. And it was my fault because I set the tone on the first date that I'd go 50/50 didn't I? Or 70/50 since I paid him a beer. Artisanal expensive beer, too. Ugh. On the second date, I could tell he wanted to kiss me so I let him. When I got home and exited the car, I leaned over and nearly threw up and spat on the street because I was feeling disgusted that I let him kiss me. At the time, I thought it was just me getting used to someone new and not because I was zero attracted to him. Hah. On our last date, on Valentine's day no less (which he invited me last minute by the way), we went to this romantic coffee-crepe shop and when he got there he said he forgot his wallet - I was so fucking mad that without missing a beat I said 'you have your phone don't you?' (everyone has an easy-to-use app to pay for stuff here). So I paid my half and after that, I decided to ignore him.

I was very used to my ex never paying for a thing. This was my norm. I thought to myself - is that normal? I would like to feel spoiled... is that selfish? I felt selfish. 2# The Duck The duck was the only guy I went out with during this year that I did not meet on dating apps. He was a guy that served food at this takeaway restaurant I went to get food every week. We would flirt a lot, even if it was his workplace. He would do cute things like trying to see my ticket number so he could be the one to call t number to be the one serving me, etc. I liked the fact that he was like a static character I could meet every Sunday and get some affirmation of my looks since I had zero self-confidence. I told my friend about these flirting games and when she went there she gave him my number without me knowing. Anyway, we ended up going on dates - he was a gentleman, but had that horrible job, no plans for the future, and was exactly the type of man my ex was (which in hindsight it's probably why I liked him). My ex had a similar job, also never had time for me and such. At the time, I did not understand myself and got in my head that I did not want a serious relationship when in truth, I was seeing all the red flags and finally building some standards, albeit small, on what I wanted and did not want. We locked arms once and that was about it. Despite being a gentleman, I am glad I did not let that grow and that I knew I deserved better. I felt very guilty and judged by close friends for not giving him a chance, though. Around this time I had found FDS and read some post that had blown up on Reddit and as good as it sounded to me, I read some comments from men and wondered if the FDS ladies with success stories had lucked out. At the time I did not feel deserving of having all that a High-Value Man had to offer, and aside from my grandpa and my friend's boyfriend, I don't think I knew any either, and, therefore, FDS was chasing after something unattainable. 3# The Tourist Because I got in my head I wasn't looking for a serious relationship, I decided I would try to go on dates with a foreigner. This guy was extremely romantic, knew how to banter, and was only staying for a day or two - perfect, I thought. He won't try to get into a relationship with me. I thought he was very handsome, the type I wouldn't go for because I did not think guys like him could be into me, so I would give him a shot. Once again, I was met with a beer-belly, very different from the athletic photos on the app (which is funny because I usually go for bulky guys but I did not like to be deceived - obviously - and feel if you are ashamed of your body that you are willing to fool women, you don't really deserve them - but that's the me now thinking, and past lil me swallowed all of that inside and went on her lil date). To set the scene, a few hours before the date, the guy says something funny along the lines of 'I thought I'd get to show you my hotel, but my family is coming back early after all'. No alarms rang at the time in my naive little brain. I get there, he's very charming and gentleman-like. I feel a rat could open a door for me and I'd call the rat a gentleman, FYI. I do some tourist guide work. We held hands - which to me felt odd how fast it was but fine. He mentions the hotel thing again. Weird. Should we go for dinner? During dinner, I think I made it very clear I was not having sex with him after he made some flirty jokes to test the water. I was trying to make conversation and he kept checking his phone and acting distant. Weird. We got to pay the bill and we both say to the waiter, at the same time, that we are paying separately. I remember feeling disappointed - he didn't even try to offer to pay my share, even though I had driven+public transport to go to the city center to hang out with him specifically. We said our goodbyes and he did not message me again. That night, as I replayed what happened in my brain and was looking at how much money I had spent for this guy to try to sleep with me, I learned a valuable lesson. I opened FDS reddit page and started reading everything on my way home. Everything started to click. 3# The Best Friend I got extremely close with my best friend, who was my rock after my break up. We don't live close to each other, but our conversations would last for hours and he was very sweet. He complimented me a lot and we had exactly the same mentality and values which it's rare. The problem was - and I don't want to insult him because I do love him - that my best friend doesn't take care of himself. At all. And he has the money to do it, too. He could be taking care of himself, but prefers not to. He's the 'this is how I am and I'm not changing' mentality. We had a "date" if we can call it that, and I had done my FDS homework and - with a lot of self-control - let him pay for a....smoothie. You can laugh but it was a small victory for me, ok? 😂 We went on a trip together sometime after that, and he paid for the stay and I paid for the meals - in hindsight, this was... not a good, financial decision. I spent a lot of money on meals because we went to good places and he wasn't shy about what he was ordering, even with him knowing I didn't have the same financial freedom he did. He was very romantic and got me gifts, but even those were kind of inside jokes between us... nothing expensive. Think candy and keychains. I would have liked, I don't know, a bucket of flowers? Something romantic, meaningful, and that made me feel pampered? Anyway, he tried to kiss me, but I did not reciprocate and there's that. I love him a lot still, but yea, I want someone who takes charge and wants to pamper me - and that's not selfish of me. Again, I put a lot of time and effort into this trip, looking presentable, cute hair and makeup etc. He did not. It makes me feel like he loves his comfort too much. I don't want zero effort. I want big effort. It's with this new mentality that I started studying FDS guidelines and writing down my boundaries, relationship goals, and that I want a serious relationship with a High-Value Man. 4# The Pretentious Moron I decided I would do a thorough vetting selection before accepting any dates. I am extremely selective, with barely any right swipes, and even then, nearly all of them didn't make the second round during texting. After some time, I matched with this guy, he seemed in shape, had a good job, same interests. We start talking and I am using the FDS guidelines to present myself, with how I walk and what I say and how I present myself. First red flag - this guy is highly competitive with me about - of all things - the English language. He starts bragging he has a certification and I think to myself 'someone who's really good at a foreign language doesn't need a certification but fine'. I should note, I am bilingual and would say I express myself better in English than in my native language. I mention I speak a lot of it at work since my team was UK and USA based and it's fine that he is communicating in English. He says, unprompted, that his English is better than mine. Not a joke, not teasing. I say uh, alright? I actually showed it to my friends and they were confused by his tone too, but also laughed because they knew how good my English was. Sometime later, of course, this comes up again when he tries to correct me on something I said. Think it might have been a then/than -which he was wrong about by the way. I should also note, this guy sent messages with a lot of typos and I never said anything, and yet here he was trying to correct me on something and was WRONG about it. When I correct him, he insists I am wrong and 'will google it to show how wrong I was'. Oh boy. Anyway, he admits he was wrong but that he will show me he can still teach me a thing or two about it. Uh, ok. My whole demeanor was 'can we drop this' but also not let him ever try to belittle my language skills.

As you can imagine, this was a waste of time. We had our date, it was fine. He wanted to take me to some shitty fast-food place and I used the FDS line of 'that place really? I thought you'd take me somewhere more interesting'. We have lunch at this fancy restaurant and in the end I let him pay and say 'the food was so good' like FDS taught me. I felt very good about myself then. Also, he looked just like his pictures which, you know, considering my experience I thought it was a win. That's how low my standards were. Anyway, he does not invite me to any dates during the weekend, he has friends over. Sure, ok. Second week comes by - nothing. I stop responding. He then apologizes and invites me on a half-assed date at a pastry shop we both like. Ok. Bill comes and he is silent. I lose the game, and chicken out. I pay for our croissants. I think to myself, that's fine, that's not an L because the restaurant bill was much more than this, and make up in my mind that FDS said it was ok to pay for little things like this (giiirl this is only once you are serious and he has invested in a relationship with you! *shakes old me by the shoulders*). I am feeling him distant over messages and ask what's up - he says he just got out of a toxic relationship and is not ready for a serious relationship. This is interesting, since his profile had the looking for a relationship. Instead of dropping his ass right there and then, I say that's fine I would obviously not jump into a serious relationship either blabla but also make it clear I am not into casual stuff. We stopped talking after that and I got some messages from him some weeks later I did not bother to pretend I was interested in him still. 4# The High Value Man....? (loud dot dot dot, question mark) If you saw some of my previous posts, you might remember me being completely swooning over this guy who I was insisting was a HVM despite many users here raising some red flags that I did not see were red flags (and yet chose to include them on my posts... did I want to be called out?) I'll say two things though. I had the best dates with this guy and he really was a complete gentleman. I'm talking about getting to the restaurant and him having booked the table. Paying for every single thing, drew his wallet like a cowboy every time without even ever mentioning it. Pulled my chair and served me drinks. Offering to pick me up by car and give me a ride every single time. Being extremely respectful and never crossing boundaries. Most importantly, I had butterflies for the first time since my ex. Some of you might be looking at this like it being the standard... but you have to understand, that it wasn't for me. And as pathetic as it sounds... during our second date I went to the bathroom and cried happy tears, because I was genuinely into this guy and I was having an experience I never got to have as someone who only dated bad men. I thought to myself, this guy is it. He's the one I want. Unfortunately, as great as our dates went... he started distancing himself. I was sad. I did not pursue him... and then I did what every reply to a previous post about this told me not to do, and I asked him if he was still interested maybe we could catch up at some coffee shop. I told myself I wanted closure. To my surprise, he apologized, said he was extremely depressed, and did want to meet with me, if I was willing to meet with him knowing he wouldn't be good company. We met up, he was polite and all but you can tell he was treating me as a friend and nothing more. He told me, candidly, he was feeling very depressed and did not find joy in anything. He then also told me he was planning to migrate by the end of the year - I sometimes wonder if me saying I broke up with my ex because he wanted to migrate out of the country (this was partially true, obviously the abuse being the real reason) had something to do with him stepping away from this. After that, we shared some memes, but are now not talking. I still get sad thinking about this, because he was genuinely very caring and I felt pampered and taken care of. He had a lot of goals, a good relationship with his family and we had the same interests and views on things. Red flags: wanted to take me for coffee for a first date I think? before we met in person (I said something like, coffee, really? And he took me to an expensive restaurant so he redeemed himself though some of you warned me about it. Also talked too much about himself and his stories). Once I realized this was really over, I went through a self-blame game with myself (what did I do wrong? what did I say wrong? am I ugly?) but I still don't regret going on daters with this guy. I loved the dates, and he was lovely, faults and all. Sad it didn't work out, obviously. -- End of Dates/ Conclusion-- Thank you for reading it this far. It's been a really long journey learning and healing from abuse and low standards. I am still working on it, albeit with this much lack of success it's been hard not to put the blame on me. Some findings and insights I gained: - The higher my standards and the more I value myself, the fewer men seem interested in pursuing a serious relationship with me. - I never, ever, would have sex unless I was in a serious relationship and even then they have to earn it. This has never been a problem for me, either, so I get an A+ on that FDS decree. I've tried to explain to some single friends why they are being dumped by the guys they have sex with after one date or two but they act like they can't help it. - Insecure men don't like when you are funnier, smarter, or make more money than them (unless you will be the one paying for things). - I am on the verge of deleting my dating apps, but I really never meet anyone new, especially now that I work remotely. I might also be depressed because I always ghost every single guy I match with and I am incapable of feeling any interest in what they are saying. However, dating apps have been great for me to realize I do have a type (I always had that 'I only care about what's on the inside 😙 ' mentality. I do want the other person to at least be working towards being the best version of themselves, I want to see that you take care of yourself in every way, and put in an effort. I should not be going on a date all dolled up only to be met with a guy that did not bathe and, as it has happened before, smelled bad. Rant over.