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I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place and also for the length.
I have this friend who I’ve know for about 4 years now. Since I met her we’ve slowly become closer and closer over the years. I was there for her when she was struggling after having her twins and she was there for me throughout my awful divorce. I never thought she was anything less than a HVW, until recently.
In the last 3-4 months she shared with me that she is not entirely happy in her marriage and isn’t sure what is wrong with her or how to fix it. Her unhappiness stems from her husband because he always expects sex with her every Sunday. It’s always the same thing, same position, and no orgasm for her and ends with him getting a BJ. This has caused her to pull away from her husband, resent him bc of his expectations, and blame herself for being disgusted by her husband. Me being the person I am suggested maybe to tell him how this all makes her feel. Long story short, she did and he got upset with her and doesn’t know why she just can’t give him his stress ReLiEf and now she blames herself for being a terrible wife bc she doesn't want to perform her wifely duties and is miserable in her life. She tells me that it has gotten to the point that she is so grossed out by him that she won’t even kiss or hug him anymore. I don’t really know how to respond to her anymore when she talks about these issues.
However, I on the other hand am a single mom and can’t be bothered to be around any man these days. I’ve been single for 2 years and have no intention on changing that any time soon. This is the first time in a long time I’ve been happy and can just live my life for me and my girls the way we want to. I’m really focused on leveling up in all aspects of my life and becoming a better person all around. While also setting a good example for my daughters and showing them that they can be strong independent women and they do not need a man to complete them.
So anyways I’ve encouraged my friend to maybe try working on herself in various aspects and maybe she would begin to feel better about herself and her situation. She took me up on one of my offers and came to the gym with me. Afterwards she let me know that she really enjoyed it and signed up for a membership so we made plans to go together every Thursday. This lasted for 2 Thursday’s and this last week when I walked into the gym she was speaking with the personal trainer who also happens to be a young handsome guy. I walked up to her and said hi and let her know I was going to change real quick and then I’d be ready. She completely ignored me and continued talking to the trainer. When I was finished changing I let her know I was going to start working out and she just gave me a thumbs up. I finished my workout and she was still with the trainer about an hour and a half later. I said bye to her and left because I had to pick my kids up from school. A couple days later I spoke with her and she let me know that she had paid for him to train her for the next 3 months. So I asked her if we were still on for Thursday’s and she said no that she is only working out with him those days. This kind of hurt my feelings because I feel like she just blew me off and had no intention on telling me until I asked.
In addition to this, recently she has become really competitive with me regarding any kind of weight loss and healthy eating. I gained weight during my divorce but have now lost 40lbs since February which is a great feeling. However the most recent time she has asked me how much I’ve lost her response to my answer is that she can’t really tell.
I have really enjoyed her friendship up until recently and don’t really know how to proceed. Am I overreacting here? Let me know what you ladies think.
Any woman in a relationship with a scrote man is going to be challenging. She’s stuck, and she clearly hates herself. Her hate for herself is manifesting in jealousy and male-attention. She needs so much more than what you can provide her through friendship. Perhaps, for her, getting a PT is part of the leveling up process. She’s probably very proud of herself. And, if she follows through with it, she should be proud. But, not at the expense of competition with you. There’s a lot of drama at the underbelly of this friendship - sounds a bit like trauma bonding. Was she a real good friend like you say, when you were going through your awful divorce.? Walking through a messy divorce with a friend is exhausting. You were probably, rightfully so, all over the place, while she stood by you. Now it’s your turn to stand by her. Maybe she’s impossible to stand by. Only you know your limitations and deal-breakers. Maybe she’s a true LVW, and your honeymoon phase is over or maybe she’s just having a bad month, and you can simply talk with her about how you feel. She may be humbled or she may tell you to eat shit. If there’s value in the friendship, I think it’s worth a shot to talk it out with her. Use “when you, I feel” statements. For example, “when you said you didn’t notice my 40lb weight loss, I felt hurt” “When you chose a PT over me to work out with, I felt betrayed”. Maybe she’ll respond that she didn’t know her actions hurt you and will do better in the future to be mindful. Or maybe she’ll gaslight you and tell you that you’re being too sensitive. This is a litmus test (for the both of you) on how you handle disappointment with each other. If you let resentment fester, that’s immaturity on your part, and if she doesn’t respond kindly to your concerns, she’s not a good friend. OR, maybe your mind is made up, and your friendship with her is not something you can see weathering a storm, and she’s so LV that the only option is to block/delete. At the end of the day, she’s a woman stuck (just had twins) in a marriage she hates, which is not her fault - scrotes tend to come out in full force after they know she’s stuck with baby - and as a result she’s going to have moments where she’s not the greatest friend bc she literally can’t bc she’s in survival mode. Maybe that’s too much for you. It’s sounds like you don’t have the patience or stomach for such nonsense and that’s your right. Whatever you decide, do not let resentment fester. Either accept her as is, say something about your hurt feelings or move on.
I totally understand this. I had a friend who’s life wasn’t great. She’d just got out of a abusive relationship and was living with a family member with her child. We became close and soon she started to join the gym like me and she even started buying the same clothes as me 🤦♀️ I really built her up to hopefully help her level up. But I got tired of it not being reciprocated. I invited her places with my friends and even paid for an evening out once. No thanks or offers to reciprocate. When I was going through tough times she would back off. No support to be seen. Seemed she only wanted the good times I could provide to her. She would post nights out with her friends but I was never invited. I am no longer friends with her. I find these types to be users. They only want you for their benefit and when they benefit from you, they bounce. But one thing I know is that they always try to come back when they aren’t doing so great. Save yourself I say and get rid! Change gym and don’t reach out. And well done on your healthy progress queen 👸🙌
For the issue with her husband.. she feels like it's wrong. Her gut knows it's wrong. But if you give her the language to articulate why it's wrong she could easily lash out and get defensive. And it doesn't sound like she treats you well enough to have serious conversations about her relationship.. but I usually recommend the FDS podcast to friends in relationships like that just because that was my tool to escape my bad relationship. I've had 2 friends say oh no it's too stressful I can't listen to manhaters and one friend actually liked it but doesn't implement it in her life lol.
But ya I read the personal trainer bit and thought drop her ass lol. When I am out with my girlfriends they are my priority and get my full attention. If a man wants my attention he can ask me out politely and I will talk to him some other day. I would never drop my friends for a dude. Personally I would just drop the 'wow that's marital rape' bomb conversation on her, but it's less stressful to let her fade from your life or to just ignore any of her attempts to reach out.
You are being appropriate and putting her on a pedestal as a friend you love, but she is still too focused on centering men in her life to do the same kindness for you.
1. You did a good job presenting your problem. It was not all over the place. 2. I'm the type of person that if a friend pushes me away then I leave and let them come back to me when they're ready. I've been in the shoes of your friend and I messed up a great, years long friendship as a result of being a jerk. Like your friend, circumstances outside the friendship were making me miserable and my misery washed off onto her. I deeply regret it but I don't blame my old friend at all for forgetting I exist because she certainly doesn't owe me forgiveness. The top comment has wonderful advice. So to repeat that a little- if the friendship means a lot to you then throw your friend a bone and talk it out with her. The way she responds will tell you if you want to continue the friendship or walk away.
It sounds like you guys have had a long amazing friendship and I don’t think anything you’re saying as a reason to give that up. It’s really hard when you get in a marriage that isn’t working, fds makes it seem like it’s easy to just go but it’s not, it takes a lot. Maybe what you’ve helped her with in others areas of life would help her leave and she can be herself again.
Maybe she took the 'can't be around any man' quote from you very seriously, and/or she simply blocked you by going from one man to another. She has to be careful to not fall for the personal trainer. Going from one man to another while married is a bad idea for her if he finds out. Plus, assuming she is working, it'll all come out of her pocket either way!