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I'm only like, 25% in, but I'm recognizing the ways men have attempted, and admittedly, successfully fucked with my head and manipulated me.
Thankfully, the last time it happened I'd already been slightly into radical feminism and FDS, but it takes time to really absorb the values. He did kinda 'get me'. But when he started his hot and cold spiel, I immediately remembered - you're never supposed to be confused. I detached, yet still was kinda sad and, gotta say, started asking myself what was wrong with me.
This book has absolutely enlightened me on his thought process and that truly, it was actually all very laughably simple in his mind. And also, what is scary. He for sure does not consider women people, or at least people with thoughts and feelings equivalent to his. Dehumanization is how they justify anything they'll do to you.
I feel like thanks to FDS I didn't fit his victim profile. I did not drop anything on my plate to accomodate him, those hot and cold games were immediately deeply unattractive to me, and a hundred little things where I stood straight backed. Yes yes - a true queen would've blocked and deleted at first sign of disrespect. But I'm only on a journey, and back then I was only at the start of one.
And now that I'm reading Lundy Bancroft, I feel like I will for sure be far, far more aware of all the small insidious red flags that show manipulation and potential for abuse.
Truly a golden book!
Anyone here who has read it - I'd be happy to hear your thoughts, parts that especially resonated with you, reminded you of something in your life; or that have helped your current self!
One of the most insightful parts from this book is where the men jumped in to critique the skit so the actors would be engaging in more effective abuse techniques. It completely obliterates the notion that "they don't know what they are doing" trope.
https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I quote from this book regularly because it saved me. It was a gut wrenching read, but it gave me a much needed wake-up call. I realized my ex was abusing me, and left. It wouldn't have been possible without this incredible resource. It also helped me find the courage to tell others about my relationship problems and they all went: wow, this is messed up. I finally allowed myself to take my own judgment seriously enough to verify it. Something changed in me and I found the strength to leave when I previously thought I literally couldn't live without him. I really owe a lot to Bancroft's work. He is an example of a good ally, one women sorely need.
It is a spectacular book. It truly is revolutionary, as it never victim blames and it busts so many myths about abuse. Lundy Bancroft deconstructs abusers the way Jon Uhler does the same on sex offenders/psychopaths/p_dophiles.
I think Why Does He DO That? helped me escape men capable of really dangerous, overt abuse acts (I read it years ago and it took time to sink in). It is a very heavy read, and i remember when i was deep into an abusive relationship being afraid i was the abuser , because the person i was with was so good at being a victim and making me feel like I was too damaged for anyone else to love or have patience with. But, i have grace for myself because i was really young and had some toxic people in my social circle. I had to reread it several times over the years for some things to sink in, because I did gaslight myself into thinking "well, he's not THAT bad" like the examples in the book. But sometimes you need big examples to learn a concept, IMO.
Meanwhile FDS puts it more into application and validates red flags of abuse that turn me off. My only regret is not having it sooner. FDS saved me from having to always seek validation from other people about whether or not i had to "give it a shot" with men who made me feel unsafe or turned off. Before FDS, i felt i had to "try" to hopefully get love someday, like the amazing chemistry I had with men who did treat me right in the past. I was lucky with growing up in a good home, but society gaslit me into "accepting" all sorts of nonsense i would never inflict on a man.
I'm glad you escaped that guy and started this FDS journey. You deserve only respect, which is non-negotiable for love. Btw I love your profile pic. Is that your dog? So elegant!
I think most of us have read it on FDS, but yes I agree. This book plus the Gift of Fear are a must read for all women.