Looking For Inspiration For The First Couple Of Dates

1. I would avoid being too vulnerable in the first couple of dates while you are vetting. Don't talk about exes or your past or current trauma. If he asks, share as little as possible and in the most positive light possible. For example, if he asks about your relationship with family and you have a toxic relationship with family, the "politician's spin" answer would be to say something like. "Family is so important isn't it? I have a different definition of family than most people though, for me my family has really been my three best friends from college. They mean the world to me and their support has been invaluable over the past x years. We are actually getting together next month and going on a trip!"

2. Don't share your standards-- (i.e. don't tell him, I'm looking for a man who doesn't watch porn)-- this is equivalent to giving the opposing sports team your game strategy. Instead watch and wait his behavior for clues as to whether he meets your standards.

3. If you are a feminine women looking for a masculine presenting man, I would also steer towards sharing mostly your positive reactions to the date and being slightly aloof/withdrawn when things about the date disappoint you. For example, if he jumps to open your car door, reward him with a smile. If you wait and fiddle with your purse, but he goes straight to the drivers side, don't be say something, just withdraw from him a bit conversationally. This is straight operant conditioning haha!

4. Don't tell him anything he could use against you. Try not to give too much away about personal matters like your socioeconomic status, your level of sexual experience, your greatest fears, or your deepest worries etc.

5. Try to keep in the present moment and breathe. Don't let your mind wander to what your name sounds like with his last name, how many kids you will have together, or where your wedding will be.

I pay attention to detail, how does he treat me and the people around us (waiters), how does he eat and drink, are his eyes wandering over to other people, does he ask me questions or is he just talking about himself.

Is he waiting for me to offer 50/50 ( I never will) or does he without hesitation pay for the drinks and meal.

Don’t mention that you’ll pay for the next meal, just thank him, when he’s paid.

I don't bring up exes, if he asks I’ll say something neutral, even if they were LVM / scrotes. Never ever tell him you’ve been treated badly by a guy or he will see that as free pass to do the same. Always act like you’ve been lavished with gifts and good behaviour.

The first 2 dates I'm literally just evaluating if he's doing everything right (treating me and behavior) and if I want to kiss him or not 🤷‍♀️ if I don't want to kiss him I next him

You don't have to do anything, you show up and let him try to impress you (don't get your hopes up on him succeeding though haha)

A few things!

First, their communication leading up to and arriving. I will drive myself and I'm not texting them or calling them when I'm there or going in and looking for them. I will go somewhere else within ten minutes and go inside by myself haha. If they attempt to switch venues or suggest a change in plans and are immediately trying to "go with the flow" it is a no

Next is I only accept dinner or a formally planned activity that has food (not a let's just show up and see what happens, like they only want drinks and to check out this whatever going on afterwards or go do an activity). I mostly don't accept activities though, and have been leaning almost exclusively towards only dinner for a few reasons. I don't say this and if it's not an explicit invitation for dinner I say I am not interested because we are probably not compatible.

Activities I think show you a lot about someone quickly and how they engage with the environment, others, confidence, how relaxed or tense they are etc but I also think it kind of skips over that first getting to know you phase and I do value that and want someone else to as well. I also do think it's best to do activities as a second date. I have a lot more fun than I should and it's moved my feelings faster than I was getting to know them if that makes sense. So if they push then I'm also out.

I like to listen more in the beginning. I smile a lot and I just smile and make eye contact and let them just spill. I'm okay in pauses in conversation and I like to see where they lead but I also ask and I answer questions too. I do try to communicate my values in an indirect way and I do not explain future plans or goals if asked until dating more seriously. I share my major (I'm switching fields) and the field I'm in (don't share much about what I do or when I work at all, no salary information either) and keep it pretty brief. I keep my family information brief as well and getting that processed in therapy has helped, I don't feel the need to share that with a stranger or mull over it or that it is relevant.

I like to ask them all the same. I try to ask before answering. If they describe family drama/trauma right away, nope. How they describe their mother or sisters, if they do. What their work is like and usually I hear about coworkers. What their friends are like. If they're describing a vague plan or a bunch of incompatible goals for the next five years then I'm also out (backpacking around Europe, living in a bunch of different cities, thinking of starting a business that makes no sense, wanting to live in a city for the sake of it, wanting to make a bunch of drastic career moves) it is signaling to me they're not looking for the same relationship.

Also, if they're sharing all of their career goals in vivid detail with me I think it is lack of their boundaries and confidence. If they ask me, I am clear in general ways as I'd like my partner to be. I don't want to date someone just starting to "find themselves". I may share what kind of environment I want to live in and what setting in my field I'd like to be involved with, and pursuing my hobbies and continuing to grow, simple. If they're unhappy in their position, I don't need to know that right away and they're probably a complainer. I am not helping a random man or boyfriend with their resume lol.

If they talk about how they love to bring dates to this place it's a turn off that they're discussing that with a stranger or they take every girl there. Any sexual innuendos are a turn off. Complimenting me too much or trying to get physical. Anything disrespecting women is a turn off. Same goes for anything about my career, interests, hobbies, pets, self.

Reasons there won't be a second date:

If they don't walk me to my car, over. If they don't pay. If they are weird about paying I just stare at them. Few have hesitated but I have not been out with one who has ever not paid. If I encounter it I am paying both and out the door. They are too pushy or inappropriate or I feel unsafe at any moment, I am out the door. I have rarely felt this way as I have really developed pre-date vetting. I tell them I have plans afterwards and they ask me to come over or go somewhere else again, nope. Asking to see me the immediate next night or to hangout or chill sometime soon. Asking for me to text them.

Actions that have impressed me and done by those I've dated who I've been most compatible with:

Taking care of the bill so I do not even see it. Having a next date plan in mind and asking me verbally if I am interested and being asked when I am free. A text that they enjoyed the date and are looking forward to X and when I can expect to hear from them. Depending on their communication, some texting here and there and confirming plans. Opening my car door and making sure I get out of the parking lot okay.