Living with my boyfriend… prior to really studying FDS principles… what now?

Thanks. I like these points.

How much should be in the FU find?

Also- are there any other ways I can vet him when we are already in a serious relationship?

Your FU fund should have enough for a security deposit, 3 months rent/living expenses, and enough for movers. Be sure you price it by an area you want to live in- like apartment shop for fun to see what you should set as your goal.

You can vet a man you're in a relationship with by setting him tasks and seeing if he follows through. A Honey-Do list is a fantastic thing, and you can and should judge him based on how resistant or happy he is to help you. Most FDS vetting strategies are good to use at every stage of the relationship- you've got a lot of options.

thank you for all your advice!

Yes I have been saving to pay rent (even though I do not have to)..So I guess this is my FU fund. I never thought to give it that name. I stopped contributing to it at $5,000. I should probably add more...lol. NOTE: I have more savings but that's for retirement, an emergency fund for like natural disasters, car breakdown, pet bills, saving for goals, and so on.

I have a part-time income as I went back to school for a career change.

Honestly...I am scared of marriage because of the married lives of the women in my life. my mom is still with the man that has cheated on her 5+ times (not kidding). I feel like if shit goes wrong in a marriage, you cannot leave. and she is unhappy with him, so I equate marriage = to unhappiness. I know this is super flawed thinking, and flat-out wrong, as you mentioned.

I do see him as long-term and the rest of my life. I do desire him, emotionally, mentally, physically, and so on.

Then I think...men can change literally at any second. Is it even worth getting married to a man?

I am naturally an anxious person, and I struggle to make small decisions as well (like what book to read next or what to eat, what to wear, what is next on my to-do list, etc). I struggle to make big decisions. I do not trust myself tbh!

thank you for your reply.

I want to marry him...I overthink everything in my life tbh so I think this may just be an anxiety thing? A perfectionism habit that I have...

Him and I knew each other for years (mutual friends), but we werent that close of course...then january 2022 we started to get to know each other more. courting, committed monogamous relationship, and now the next steps...I am 25, he is 26.

I have 2 year degree from college, I stopped to work and figure myself out plus I had a tragic situation happen...now I have been going to school to learn a skill that I am going to monetize, as well as working part time. The skill is going to be a career, and also my part time job is helping me for my other career venture . He has a full time job that he loves, has great benefits, he is respected there, and is able to support both of us fully. (by the way, im still striving to get my own money, my own career.)

those are good points to think about...how we want our family to be and I also need to consider my life goals independent of a man, and see if he aligns ...thank you!!

Thank you for your response. It better crystalizes where you're coming from.

Here's the thing about marriage. It is a very serious commitment to make. It is an institution. You're not supposed to marry someone just because you love them. You need to consider the costs and benefits of marriage. Statistically, marriage doesn't benefit women. If you want to be married, you need to make it work for you. And honestly, you don't need to get married unless you

A) plan on having children

B) you're in a situation like Lilith's (see the most recent podcast episode on her announcement to learn more) or

C) you just really want to be married and you refuse to be with a man outside of that.

And even then, I would advise you to wait a few more years because 25/26 is young. I know you're not getting married now, and it's good that you're starting to have this conversation, but I wouldn't commit before the age of 30, tbh. I firmly believe all women should be single without children as long as they possibly can (but at least for their twenties) and learn about themselves. But then, that's my personal opinion, and you can disagree with me.

Do you truly want to be married? Do you feel like you have to get married? Do you feel like you have to do what your peers are doing? Do you feel like if you don't marry this man then you'll never have another HVM? Do you feel like your life is incomplete without marriage? Is it something else?

You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself (and perhaps a professional) what it is you want out of life. What are your life goals? How do you plan on self-actualizing, because you need to do that to live a fulfilling life.

Here's the other thing about marriage with a man. He can change at any time. That will always be a possibility, even if he is seemingly HVM for the first 20 years of your marriage, he could cheat on you in the 21st year. He could fall out of love with you. He could become abusive. He could die. Or something else not mentioned.

There is nothing you can do, say, no place you can go, no spell you can cast, that will change this possibility of a man switching up on you. If such an antidote existed, someone would have discovered it a long time ago. If you want to marry this man, you need to marry him with the understanding that he (or you) could change, and if it happens, you need to understand that it has nothing to do with you, nor is it a mark against your self-worth. But you will need to move accordingly. This is why I said in my previous comment that you never stop vetting. Because you can never get too comfortable with a man. You can never 100% trust a man. It's a sucky reality, but it is what it is. If this is something you feel like you can't accept, or you seriously struggle with, then don't marry a man.

As for the anxiety and lack of self trust, that is a major issue. You should not be talking about marriage until you get that worked out. Lack of self trust is a major issue - not just in relationships, but in every aspect of your life. If you do not fully trust that you'll be able to make the right decision or course correct if you make a wrong decision, that's not a foundation to build anything on. Are you in therapy? Are you getting help for that? If so, continue. If not, you need to get on that, too.

$5,000 is a great start, in addition to the emergency funds that you have. You still need to have more money. You never know what could happen in the economy, or how prices change. And, you never know when he could decide to stop paying rent. So yes, you actually do have to save to pay rent.

Continue making advancement in your career. Maximize your earning potential as much as you possibly can.

Put more money in the FU fund. Your future self will thank you.

I am an anxious and perfectionist person!

I love your entire reply...I am going to get to journaling right now (backup plan, why I am afraid, and so on....) and browsing more of the FDS website.

thank you.

Thank you for caring!! It’s a fake name :)

Oh OK 😊