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I recently looked through my boyfriend's phone and found out he used to talk terribly about women with his friends.
Negatives: I searched for my name and there were plenty of mentions of how I "wanted the D" or how he was gonna get laid by me. There were also comments about my great chest and my flat butt (not in those simple words) and a bunch of mentions of other hot girls or dimes he saw, sometimes on his way to come see me. Basically he didn't take me seriously as a person or a partner until I broke up with him the first time because I felt like we were on different wavelengths.
Positives: After we got back together, he largely stopped talking about women like that and would give banal responses to his friends who tried to send him pictures of hot girls. He also said that he didn't believe porn was harmless anymore. He's never waxed poetically about me really but he did say he could see building something with me.
I questioned him yesterday asking about how he used to talk about women and what he would say about me in the beginning of our relationship and he definitely sugar-coated it. He said he was never comfortable with how his friends talked about women and he never talked about me that way.
I understand that the way he used to speak was embarrassing and why he wouldn't want me to look at him that way. And don't we all say little white lies to spare feelings sometimes? But he knows how much I hate lying. I feel like it means he could lie about other things.
Why did you even take him back after you broke up the first time? You are too good for a recycled relationship with a guy that used to objectify you and other women. Just because he doesn't explicitely talk like that in his texts anymore it doesn't mean he is thinking differently now.
And "he can see building something with you" - future faking par excellence. YOu do not date potential. If he wanted to build something with you, he would have proven that with his actions the first time around. If he wanted to, he would. That guy is LV and stringing you along. Get out of there ASAP.
Sounds like he’s telling you what you want to hear to your face, now that you have read his texts to his friends. Remember… he didn’t hold back when he wasn’t being watched, he acted the way he is.
He showed you who he was the first time, and you broke up with him. Now he has lied to your face about something pretty serious (his poonhounding misogyny and obvious lack of respect for you or any other woman) and you're labeling his future faking/breadcrumbing as a positive? Girl, no. He's a LVM and you can and should do better for yourself.
"he knows how much I hate lying" Sis, it's basic morality. You're making your desire for basic honesty and morality to be a "funny little quirk he doesn't share". Come on sis. Take off the rose colored glasses. He's lying to your face because he wants to have sex with a "big tit flat ass bitch", he doesn't respect you evidenced by the way he speaks to you and about you. Nice sounding lies does not equal respect. He literally thinks you're dumb. But he's the dumb one, block him.
Men that respect their partners don’t speak about them like that, they tend to be more guarded and protective. Even the younger ones. I’ve been around guys who would usually overshare about women they’ve dated get defensive once they find “The One”. I can’t tell you if your boyfriend will ever lie to you again or if he actually matured. Just think about if this is the kind of person you want to spend your time with, always second guessing what he’s telling you. I’m thinking you‘re looking for a reason to leave if you’re checking his phone.
You "feel like it means he could lie about other things?"
You know he will -- you just witnessed in live action color exactly how he responds when he feels boxed in by his own bad behavior.
That said, I wouldn't have a problem with my lover saying she "wants the dick" (if I had lovers with dicks).
Flip it around -- you are talking to your girlfriends about sex and you say your BF "loves the P" -- it's not a put-down.
As for expecting to get sex? Don't we all expect it? Don't women say stuff about wanting to jump on the stick (or maybe they don't -- I am old, hence clueless about current penile vernacular).
The trouble is when men engage in sexual banter it almost always veers into misogyny.
Rating your girlfriends physical attributes fits that bill and rating it as less than stellar? Fine. If BF doesn't like it, he doesn't get to touch it again.
OP didn't say how old her BF is, but sharing images of other women so you and your boys can circle jerk is grossly juvenile.
I suspect this is the bigger problem and that his lies are merely a manifestation of prolonged childhood.
OP, you need a man, not a boy -- you want him to match your maturity.
In a few years time, he may mature and grow some integrity, but you are not his mother, obliged to wait and see.
Plus, we all know through bitter experience that the overwhelming majority of men grow old grow without ever growing up.
In junior high, this guy was probably pretty cute, but cute has a shelf life.
You know the truth and he knows he's lying to you. If he knows that you know, he could be better at hiding things from you now. Are you willing to put up with something you hate (lying) to stay with someone who has a history of grossly objectifying women, including you?
Girl, please dump him. Block, delete and no explanation. He will never change! No woman will change a man like this.
Edit 1: looking though your other replies, it seems like you keep justifying why he’s changed and you should stay with him. Sorry if I’m being way harsh but, this is not the place for you to look for validation about your relationship. It’s pretty clear that you don’t seek genuine advice from FDS and you just want people to agree with you on the topic of staying with him.
How do you know he’s changed? Have you gone through his phone again? It’s not enough he give his friends banal responses, if he had truly changed he’d level-up in his friendships too. Men will say whatever they feel they have to say to get you to do what they want. Their bros will help put on a show to help him. I strongly suspect you’re being duped.
He sounds like a complete creep, and is a proven liar, but you sure are working hard here. You're in for a much larger heartbreak down the road, right about the time you discover that he's actually full of shit, and realize you acted like a sucker by believing his story. Gotta get that lesson the hard way, I guess.
Ouch. You're either gonna break up with him now, or in a year or two. You decide which is worse.
He is lying to you because he wants to keep the sex gravy train coming. Took me 26 years to realize men lie to get sex, period. No other reason
Why did you feel the need you to snoop in his phone? Thats a sign something is off imo. Also he's objectifying you big time. Also he lied about it. What are you doing with him? You're trying to validate his actions. It sounds to me like this: 'Ah yeah he was super disrespectful about me to his friends and then lied about me about it.. because you know.. he wanted to spare my feelings.. aren't we all doing that? No sis, we don't, you're too good for this and he wants to lure you in again and again and again.
"broke up with him the first time" stay broken up sis this man ain't it
I don't believe in 2nd chances and it's bad that he lied. At least own up to it. And he should tell his friends to stop sending him pics of hot girls 🙄. How old are y'all? I'm very skeptical of men under the age of 27 talking about building a future, it's usually just playing house until who he really wants come along. And instead of talking about it, he needs to show it. How long was the break? Most men don't do a complete 180 in under a year unless they went through some bad shit and therapy. They lack the self awareness that they are the problem and are allergic to account
In ten years you’ll be writing the “will he EVER propose? he treated me so well in the beginning of our relationship” or you’ll be filing for divorce after he’s wreaked havoc through your entire life. If you have to come to the internet asking questions after you already broke up before, you already know what’s going to happen and you’re looking for some hope it’ll work out. Sorry. 9/10 you’ll be a forever gf, and if you do get married add yourself to statistics of miserable overworked and under appreciated wives. A LV marriage is the equivalent to prison. Good luck.
What happened to those people he surrounded himself with when he was LV? You said he's been vocal about anti-porn as you snooped through his texts. How does his friends react? Does he cut off those who adamantly defend porn use? People are defined by the company they keep.
What if you break up with him today? Do you think he'll go back to porn use or misogynist comments again? Is he still open to hookups if he was single? If so, he never changed because he never thought critically about his decisions in the first place. Not watching porn is just something he's doing to have access to you.
You said he was super caring and thoughtful during (what I'm assuming were) the lowest points of your life. Can you imagine how he would add value to your life going forward? Does he still elevate you when you are successful and happy with yourself? Or did he really put in the bare minimum but your situation made it seem a lot more altruistic than it really was?
These are all rhetorical questions that warrant some thinking. It's very hard to change in your 30's, especially about something so deeply ingrained like misogyny. If he hasn't made these tough decisions already, it's very unlikely that he'll ever change. I'm only recommending them because you seem very reluctant to let go despite the overwhelming consensus. You don't have to give us answers of course, we can't judge the correctness of them either way. But if you feel any doubt going through these, hold on to that feeling. It could save you.
He saw you as an object. Doesn't matter how 'charming' he is now. You deserve better. Think of all the women and girls he might have harassed, molested or abused before coming in your life. Those women and girls deserve better too.
I think it’s fine (i know i know) if he didn’t admit the way he used to talk shit about women with his friends. frankly, how many of us here will tell our partners “yeah i call men i used to date as SCROTES as in scrotum-scrote. ha ha ha and yes i judge man by what value he brings to the table and if i don’t like him i’m gonna NEXT him” like some things we keep between girlfriends and some things he keep between his guy friends. the key thing is - this isn’t just another woman, it’s about you. the saving grace is that you did check his phone and he did change. so he wasn’t lying to you that he changed. you snooped and saw that he changed. all of us were low value women at one point but we changed, did we not? i think the more important thing is - what were your initial reasons you broke up with him? i feel like we should evaluate the rs as a whole rather than this particular incident. i cannot imagine taking back someone who would demean me in front of his friends because his friends will remember that shit forever whenever they see you. and yes people change but at the same time i feel like the maximum respect they’ll give you is when you leave and never come back.