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I am 18 months NC from an extremely abusive relationship with a parasitic Narc who attempted to drain me of my life force. Before this disgusting person entered my life, I was a fitness guru, health nut, cyclist, yogini who deeply cared about my health. I was 30 lbs lighter. But it's not just about the weight. My looks and health declined considerably because I was kept so off kilter all the time, that I could never focus on keeping up with my healthy habits because I was always dealing with the endless trauma that this evil person was causing me. So my health and looks took a big hit. He literally sucked the life force out of me. Like a blood sucking leach or vampire, he got fat and happy sucking out my life force while my spirit was slowly being killed. It's been 18 months now since I've seen or spoken to him, and I have not been able to get back to that woman I was before he entered my life.
I am now dealing with clinical depression that I never had before this leach entered my life. And I haven't been able to shake it. I know I look like shit. I know I feel like shit. Yet that fire I used to have is gone. I have zero motivation to work out. I have zero motivation to self care. I have zero motivation to lose weight. If I get a shower that week, it's a win. If I can make it work on time it's a win.
I feel a part of my lack of motivation is that I am still healing from that abusive relationship, but even more than that, for the first time, I don't care about looking good or losing weight, or being pretty because that will just bring more predators into my sphere. It's almost like I am keeping myself ugly and fat so men stay away from me. And it's working. I don't get hit on nearly as often.
But I know this isn't my true core self. I know that at my core I do care about health and self care. But this depression, and fear of men is keeping me from doing anything about it. It's almost like I am OK with being 200lbs and a size 16 cause who cares? I'm not trying to date men, so I'll just eat whatever I want, whenever I want cause fuck it. I'm not going to make myself look good for men.
Now I know many of you are going to jump in and say, "You aren't looking good for men. You are looking good for yourself." And I get that. But it still feels like since I have given up on dating entirely, that there's just no point in trying to look pretty anymore. Idk.
And for those who are going to give unsolicited advice. YES I am in active therapy and have been since 2019.. and YES I have tried a variety of meds with minimal success. I just don't CARE anymore. And idk how to start to care again.
So the question is: How does a woman level up with depression? Cause I just can't find the motivation to do so.
For a long time I was stuck because I had this mindset "When I will have everything figured out, I will be healed, healthy, leveled up, proud of myself, my life will get back on track and I will start living again". I didn't realize this at the time, but this was a paradox and kept me going in circles.
In the past year I was forced to embrace a new mindset. "Even if I haven't figured it out, I'm not healthy, healed, leveled up, proud of myself, I need to engage with things in order to satisfy my needs. If I don't know what my needs are I will find out in the process and I accept it will be messy". Now my life is FAR from perfect, but it so much better than it's been for the past years. I still experience depression, but I find more and more things worth the effort, and motivation slowly comes back. But those things won't come to you. You need to find them. Make a committment to yourself that you will look for them even if you don't feel like it. I don't know how else to explain it. At some point I made a DECISION. That even if I'm depressed or otherwise ill, I owe it to myself to keep living, imperfectly.
One more thing. I was depressed for a long time after a break up similar to yours many years ago. I now understand all the disappointment and hurt I've felt about men after a certain amount of time, was not (just) unprocessed trauma. It was trying to fill emptiness with negative intimacy. Lack of people and things that would really fullfill me, that I didn't thought possible for me. Scarcity mindset. Disappointment with life. I didn't know that I missed something, but once my life started to fill again with beauty, the hurt started to heal for real. There was no "work" to do apart from therapy, it was just gradually replaced by life flowing again. I wish I focused on this sooner, I would have healed faster. Instead I had that other "I have to heal/process/whatever first in order to enjoy life again". Idk I guess believing in this orderly stages of healing gave me comfort, but it was probably mostly an avoidance strategy.
Start now to meet your unmet needs and fill back your life with beautiful things that fullfill you, even though you can't really enjoy them like you used to, make the decision to keep looking for fullfillment. And when you feel a hint of that, hold on to it. Follow it. Register the sensation and come back to it.
Don't wait to be over this to get over this. The lingering hurt at some point is not about those scrotes anymore. It's about something you were missing before them, something you believe you can't have, which is probably also why you were attracted to them in the first place.
I am you. I have reacted to trauma brought about by a man in the exact same way. I have gained so much weight and I too enjoy that it makes me less desirable to men as a whole. I view it as a coping mechanism that I'm fine with for now. I am celibate and don't want a man speaking to me for any reason.
I've chosen to engage in things regardless of how I feel. I'm focusing on leveling up career-wise. I do something related to that almost everyday. I attend meditation once a week and engage in a women's only peaceful group hobby once a week. I never feel like going or 'doing'. However, I always feel glad that I went and did. Don't expect to feel motivated to do something bc for me at least, that feeling never comes. I do not participate in traditional, feminine self-care. I don't get mani pedis or face mask in a bubble bath.
My self-care is my hobby, daily improvement no matter how small, meditation and even coloring.
these are all excellent responses 💡
i second the inflammation/immune system response. it’s like an sprained ankle: it’s going to heal on its own timeline and all you can do is support it the best you can. if you do nothing it will atrophy, but you can’t expect to start sprinting the 400m tomorrow, either.
there’s something in you that wants to heal, otherwise you quotient be asking. nourish that small flame.
basic needs: sleep, water, food, movement. reconnect to yourself, the answers are in you.
You can have a good life and be depressed at the same time.
I know this sounds like an impossibility, but starting by accepting the depression as how things are right now. You are having a normal response to being abused by a shitty man. You’re allowed to be depressed. You’re not broken. You’re healing.
The journey of healing from abuse can be a long one. Start by finding small enjoyments in things that make you happy. Even if it is just using a beautiful cup for your morning coffee (or whatever).
I also strongly recommend EMDR therapy. Trauma causes brain blockages between the hemispheres and EMDR helps heal the brain from trauma. There’s lots of research.
Best wishes
Might also be Complex PTSD rather than depression
I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I've been where you are since I was born into a family of narcs and predators and I've been a magnet my entire life. It took me nearly 5+ years to recover from a malignant narc and I'm still recovering from that one. They truly drain and murder us spiritually. The only thing that helps is time and validation and support. Can I recommend some YT channels that might help you feel better? ASSC Podcast is great, Dr. Carmen Bryant, Trace Face It, Spiritual Whistleblower. And my own channel I've had for 4 years now if you'd be interested is called Narc Poacher. Sending prayers and hugs. We allies are out here fighting the good fight and spreading awareness about these insidious predators in our midst. You might not get back to yourself 100% but the new version of you will come back stronger and more resilient than you've ever been before with impenetrable boundaries and spiritual discernment. You'll lose the weight, you just need time to heal right now. Take all the time you need 💖💖
Hey, I'm with you. I have been dealing with narcissists in my family since my birth and I ended up with depression and PTSD even before entering my 20s. I remember being very mad at myself for wasting so much and having no motivation for years and just recently it's starting getting better.
What you need to hear is: give yourself TIME. Time to heal, time to slowly take care of yourself. I know it sounds obvious but as someone who also suffers from depression, I know how infuriating it is that your lack of energy, motivation etc. won't just go away quickly. Those are symptoms of depression so you will be feeling like this for a while.
You have been deeply, unfairly hurt. It's normal for your brain and body to respond to that, so don't pressure yourself too much. You don't have to lose weight, or take care of your body for now. I know you want to do it for yourself, but this is how depression works - you are unable to do things you want to do for now. That doesn't mean giving up, I'm just advicing you to take things slow. It does get better, it just takes lots of time.
Also, I know you have been taking meds and going to therapy, but I think trauma based therapy (like EMDR and CBT) are going to be best for you. Same way, meds which are meant for PTSD and trauma will work better than regular antidepressants probably in your case.