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It’s nice to be back after some time off wix 😎
Dating a 33 y/o man for a month or so. Strong start - he’s good looking plus a total gent to me and we started out as friends. Met him in my gym so all fit and healthy etc. likes a drink but nothing excessive.
But when we go to do the deed he loses his erection mid way through - sometimes during foreplay. To date he has never had an o* with me. He said it’s because he’s overthinking/ cares so much and wants to work on it. Of course we can and do do other things. But I’ll be honest, I find this a bit unusual in view of his fitness and I know this isn’t really to do with me.
He had a bereavement 4 months ago and I do wonder if this is playing a part. I asked if he was concerned about an unwanted pregnancy which he vehemently denied. I have been reassuring.
im only 33 myself and have been in relationships where the sex was sub par. I don’t want to go down that road again. and no, I don’t want to suggest blue tabs to a healthy 33 year old but I do feel like a bitch for getting turned off by this.
any advice would be welcome. Consensus is that it’s likely porn related which would be shit but not surprising.
you’re only a month in and he’s already unable to perform in bed? That’s LV as hell on his part. Dump him and find a guy with a working penis. You’re unsatisfied and quite frankly sex MATTERS in a healthy, long term relationship. His body has failed him and it’s not your problem to fix. He cannot be a good fit for you because his dick doesn’t work.
If he was healthy he’d be able to get and maintain an errection. He obviously isn’t healthy. I’d move on to better, greener pastures. You’re only 33 and that’s WAY too young to be dealing with geriatric dick issues. He can enjoy his internet boobs while you find a guy with a working penis.
Edit to add: And you know what, you’re really nice for even asking other women if it’s an issue. If a guy I was seeing failed to maintain an erection during foreplay and/or sex I’d have called him pathetic and kicked him out. A zero tolerance policy is best when it comes to sexual compatibility. If he’s unable to perform now how’s he gonna do it in 5, 10, or even 20 years?! Definitely don’t waste your time on a guy like him.
He knows it's too early to blame it on you I stead of his porn addiction.
Fucking loser.
Laugh at him on your way out for us.
And get some jewelry.
Ding ding ding! 🛎️ We have a closet porn addict!
I will say not all women who date men expect or want erect penises.
I will also say most women who date men expect and want erect penises. If you’re in this category (which it sounds like you are), then it's time to move on. His limp dick is not your fault, obviously, but if you stay with him, there is a good chance it will become "your fault", as he'll blame it on you, because he now has a scapegoat.
Oh, he'll no!
It's time to block and delete.
Doesn't matter if his problem is from watching too much porn or whatever.
If he can't get and keep it up, what is this man good for and why do you need him in your life? He can't enhance it. Sex is very important in a relationship. If it's bad or doesn't really happen, you might as well replace him with a working toy.
Good thing, you found this out within a month. Imagine you would've followed the rules of dating for a few months and being exclusive first before having sex.
Oh this happened to me and believe me, he said it was nerves . Then he admitted he didn’t like to do oral in women.
He would never get an erection during foreplay let alone kissing. His dick was always soft always soft.
You know what happened? He ended up dumping me 2 WEEKS later saying we were incompatible(we had been dating for 5 months)
I believe his limp dick was anxiety but he proceeded to insult me and find a reason to leave me because probably he felt this excuse wouldn’t work for so long.
Anyways, I let go some red flags which was the fact that he NEVER tried anything in the 4 months prior and I thought he was just being respectful but nowadays I see with another point of view.
He knew he was impotent so he wanted me to affectionate before I had found out about his limp dick.
So, I would follow the advice of the others: he is not anxious. He has problems and should be seeing a doctor.
And I don’t think you should be dealing with this problem at the age of 33.
The one I dated was bald and had tits at 30y old, besides the limp dick. We don’t deserve that at that age.
You know how men pretend to love women to fool them into getting pumped and dumped?
Men also pretend it's nerves when the reality is they've rotted their brains from so much porn that they can no longer enjoy real sex with real women.
Culturally Ingrained naivety from the patriarchy will make you second guess and think of the possibility that maybe it truly is nerves (Just like how women second guess and think they've found real love!) but do not fool yourself.
Also, be very careful about the bereavement thing... To me it sounds like he's opening the door for a trauma bond. My narc ex did this bs with me trying to win "sympathy" from me by dumping some sob story about how someone he knew died while begging to get back with me. Thankfully i didn't fall for it lmao and he called me cold heartless bitch because I stood my ground. In my opinion, sharing that you went through something like that with a close friend that you've known for years and are looking for support from is fine. Sharing that with someone who you are breaking up with or haven't been dating for for that long is very sketchy. At best, he's just someone who is very naive and doesn't know to keep vulnerable things private (lacking boundaries)/not to date while vulnerable. At worst (and probably most likely), this is deliberate bait to get you to trauma bond.
EDIT: LMAO the scrotes are mad! If you cowards disagree, why don't you put up an actual argument and explain instead?
Porn sick ones are getting erased out of the gene pool, natural selection at play
Yeah, no. If a man can't get it up and it's this early in the relationship, it's not going to get any better.
You deserve good sex with someone who loves you. Don't settle.
No advice to offer per se, but I just want to say that you are most definitely not a bitch for finding this a massive turnoff, because quite frankly, it is. The least you deserve is a man who can get - and keep! - it up, consistently and without having to 'work on it'. Whatever the fuck IT even is.
'I have been reassuring' is also concerning. A healthy man shouldn't need this kind of coddling, whether he's had a bereavement or not. Which also raises the additional point that if he's that badly affected should he even be dating? I think not. Very unfair to expect this of you.
Edited to add: I'm with everyone else on the fact that it's probably porn. Sorry, sis.
Also now that you give more detail about this whole this bereavement thing, I'm getting shades of 'emotional airbag' as well - what I mean by that is, there's a high likelihood that he's going to use your energy/compassion to nurse himself through his bereavement, and then the minute he's feeling better and stronger at your expense...POOF! He'll be off without so much as a backward glance or a by-your-leave. Natalie Lue writes about this exact thing and I speak from personal experience when I say that she was spot on (though my flavour of this used to be rebounding men, urgh). Best thing to do here would probably be to nurse yourself through your own bereavement first and then see where you're at once you've done that, like you've said below. You need your own energy and compassion waaaaay more than he does. If he doesn't have his own readily available supply of those things within himself - tough shit, not your problem.
Natalie Lue blog post: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/dont-let-empathising-with-circumstance-turn-you-into-an-emotional-airbag/