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My mouth clenches as I begin this post, “ugh I don’t want to do this right now, it’s late, I’m tired, they’ll judge me” excuse. excuse. excuse.
i feel myself getting more depressed and tired as I try to write. My body is trying to shut me down. Im scared. What if they say, “get out”, and what if that makes sense, then I would have to hold myself accountable and get out. And if I didn’t hold myself accountable, then I’d feel like a failure. but im terrified because I have no idea what it looks like to hold myself accountable, how I would live without him.
ive gotten myself into this situation
-been in relationship for 3.5 years and never would’ve seen myself here
-we live together
-I went to him post two horrible abusive relationships and he came to me to help him recover from his divorce
-he’s divorced and has a 10 year old who is with us part time
-he’s 12 years older
-im financially dependent and unemployed but I bring in money sometimes by airbnb’ing our place
-ive cut off all old ”friends”
-i can’t even tell which way is up and which way is down anymore
-the problems with the relationship? I’m not sure I can articulate it. I’m so stuck in my head all the time. I don’t know whether to be grateful or if I’ve gone crazy. -I believe I want someone my age
-I don’t know what to say here. -I don’t know where to go for support
-I fantasize about just leaving straight out the back door tomorrow and creating a new life.
-but without a plan I know I could be putting myself in a more risky situation and could put myself in desperation. -he’s not a bad guy but he puts a lot of expectations on me
-he Has money issues
-I won’t marry him but I’ve begun to think he could be a “life partner” (I promised myself I would never marry a man 10year age gap like my parents did)
i was the girl everyone looked up to growing up.
recently I declined all the invites to friends weddings
I’m turning 30 and have anxiety about my future.
i write in my journal all damn day, I’m always alone, but I can’t even sleep these days and have panic attacks and night terrors. Also I’m terrified of getting a “bad” therapist. i have horrible nightmares of everyone telling me I’m not good enough and that he’s hiding something from me. My whole world has begun to revolve around his. I was never like this (the super invested dependent gf) and this is never what I wanted. he persuaded me to move in with him and then I became lost. to be honest the first couple years were total shit. But we’ve actually become a little flower from it. But I’m worried I’m settling for this little flower. We’re two good people but he’s aggressive and asertive and I’m a helper and am agreeable. he has priorities and goals and deadlines and I don’t. I take care of the home and our two dogs and clean and cook and help with his son. I take care of the short term goals like food on the table while he works on his long term goals like career. he was very pornsick when we met but I “cured” that more or less. I’ve invested so much into him and I can’t seem to stop myself even though I know I just want to get away. I terrified to look at my own life. I feel like maybe I’m one of those people that just helps other people, but can’t help themselves. I feel like I’m playing the wife/partner/mom role perfect but I know hes not the guy I want to do it for/with. so why can’t I let go? Why am I so scared?
i need help I guess
i don’t know where to begin. I’m just getting by day to day. Long term goals for me feel unfathomable. I feel like I’m going to die in thus relationship And have flashes of my own death all the time around him.
I feel like I’m getting used and set up to be abandoned once I’m not in my 20s
You are worn out. I want to give you a big hug. You deserve a good life without constant anxiety. This situation is torture. It can be really hard to get out alone. You are used to it so you can't see how horrible it is. Can you manage to go therapy shopping? With that I mean calling them, checking chemistry and then having a test session. Would recommend older feminist women. Ask about their values. You can do this. You can get out. You deserve a better life. You are not living right now. You are surviving.
The market value of the service you provide - clean house, cook, childcare is upwards of 100k. He has you working for nothing there like a slave. And he is porn sick. No. You need to secure employment that will sustain you and leave.
We've all been there. Deciding to leave is the game changer. It's like a switch gets flipped in your mind.
Start saving money immediately. Get a job in retail, Sbux (they have benefits) or something off the books like babysitting. Whatever you can to start saving some money.
Getting away from a shitty scenario works wonder for mental health, so I would wager that putting more distance between you will help with clarity. You'll feel better about yourself and more in control/independent as cash comes in.
For living situations, look to find nanny jobs where you could live with the family (use an agency to avoid getting taken advantage of) or if you can be a building manager and get free or heavily discounted rent. There are def options to help you start your own life. You don't need to be this guy's live in bang maid nanny.
Good luck
So in the following years if he kicks you out, he will be all set having invested in HIS future and HIS goals and HIS retirement off of your back and unpaid labor. Meanwhile you will have nothing and be homeless because you couldn’t focus on your goals and career. You immediately need to secure a job, it doesn’t have to be perfect, just enough to be safe. Then you will go from their building for you instead of building for a porn sick loser who is taking advantage of your free labor to secure his own future.
You didn't cure him of anything, and you are just a useful tool to him. You want to get out, and you realize you have self isolated from your old friends. Reconnect w your old friends, GET A JOB and work towards being financially independent so that you can leave him. Right now you have no options and therapy is great and all but it isn't going to give you any options
We have a similar thing happening. I have been a pet/sidekick for ages. My plan of action is to get therapy. I listened to a podcast that suggested EPA, ketamine or psilocybin for mental health issues, HOWEVER, after researching it, only EPA is something I can get my hands on. Having some delivered today to see if it’ll help. We can’t heal or help ourselves if we’re not in our right minds. I am going to look for a woman to be my therapist, and if she says anything pickme, she’ll be cut off.
You don't have kids with this guy, so if you want to leave, just do it--easy exit.
You deserve someone your own age, without kids.
Maybe look at getting a job so you will be financially independent, then make a plan to move out?
You can always make new friends, this video has some helpful tips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLxGyUxblBk
As for the panic attacks--maybe try therapy? That's something that you will need to get under control. This guided meditation is really good for anxiety attacks: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLFN3cJ9Nyw
Stay strong Queen 👑
It sounds a lot like codependency which I’ve learned a lot about on my journey of leveling up and not making the same mistakes I did in my last relationship. Check out the CoDA (codependents anonymous) website and see if any of it resonates with you. Especially if you don’t have a lot of your old friends it’s important to be able to talk about what’s going on in your life in a judgement free supportive way.
This was me two years ago. You can’t see a way out and are waiting for the catalyst. YOU can be the catalyst. as soon as you take back your power the universe will help you. Start gathering up all the things you can sell to get some money together, start looking at places, gather your MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL RESOURCES AND RESOLVE TO LEAVE. Make a decision for you. The fact that you fantasise about leaving is your subconscious telling you this is what to do. You don’t want to marry him, you have articulated why very well (all valid reasons). it sounds like you are operating out of abuse and gaslighting fog where you don’t know which way is up. I’ve been there. You are STILL THAT GIRL EVERYONE LOOKS UP TO. You can be her again, you just have been worn down by these circumstances