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Bf just told me he is planning to use his bonus to buy an enagagement ring and propose this year. The rest will go towards a down payment on a home for us (that will be in both of our names). We don't live together or share finances at the moment, but he does pay for dates/trips.
I am looking for someone that is a willing and able provider. Ideally they would support our family if I decided to leave the work force for a period of time after having children, and I would want him to take on the bulk of the financial responsibility before that.
Once we move in together he wants me to pay a portion of the expenses, around 25%. This makes me a little uncomfortable because he makes 3x what I do. He doesn’t have any debts, I am paying off student loans and my car. I’m living paycheck to paycheck while he has quite a bit of disposable income. If we were to scrap the idea of buying a home together, I’d move into the place he currently owns. He wouldn’t ask me to pay towards the mortgage but he would want to go 50/50 on dates, trips and groceries.
I thoroughly explained my point of view and financial situation, but he says he feels uncomfortable paying for all of our shared expenses based on the principal of it.
I wanted to get the FDS read on this situation, see if there is anything else I should consider, etc.
Sis, this is not the “willing and able provider” you are looking for. Sounds like there’s some future faking a forever with you going on here (words) if his debt free ass is already asking you to contribute to future household expenses (actions). Yikes.
Run away honestly! My ex was like this, made 3x my income and started asking for 20% then it moved to 50% of everything. It was extremely unfair to me and I got screwed financially. It’s one of the main reasons why I left him as he became very bitter later on and expected everything from me at home while working, etc. it will never be equal as he will never contribute as much as you do mentally, physically and parenting wise as well. He is an LVM.
25% for "principal" seems like a 50/50 guy waiting to pounce. If he makes way more than you then 25% is just the 50/50 he thinks he can demand. He is giving me the ick and making me feel anxiety thinking about it. I can't even with some 50/50 on dates moron. My man brought me flowers yesterday, I wonder if I should Paypal him my 50%? Lol.
"I thoroughly explained my point of view and financial situation, but he says he feels uncomfortable paying for all of our shared expenses based on the principal of it."
Run.
A man who likes you doesn't want your money. This guy is gearing up to ask for more as soon as he has you trapped. Save yourself.
No, I would absolutely not move in with this guy. He is a resentful prick. Once you’re living with him, you will be stuck. you two arent married yet?
who is pushing for you two to live together? Him?
if he wants you to give up your peace, freedom, and autonomy he needs to give you a much better deal than that.
Seems like he’s only getting you a “shut up” ring so he can cohabit on the cheap. Dump him.
It sounded good until he threw in the transactional thinking. Sigh. He doesn't have a provider mindset if he insists on a financial split because he doesn't like the "principle" of providing in full. If your income disparity is that big, and you want to get married and have children, he should absolutely not insist on splitting anything "fairly". You will sacrifice earning potential when you have kids, pregnancy and everything around that is obviously not 50/50, and you will likely have more mental load and do more chores based on socialization even if he makes an effort to actively participate (I believe even the best couples only achieve something like 60/40 when it comes to chores... With the woman doing 60%). You made it clear you want a provider man who covers shared expenses, and he wants to have more financial contribution from you. You're at a crossroads here. I'd suggest not accepting a proposal until he has a solid plan that benefits YOU.
He would never ask his dream girl for a cent. It's so tacky of him to name percentages like this. It's the same thing as itemizing every line item on the check to split the cost of a romantic dinner. It's almost like he's trying to subtly start a slow-burning argument. All for a hypothetical situation that he's fantasizing about in his mind. Maybe he's doing the thing where he's deliberately shitty to you to try to make you break up with him.
This is a shitty deal; dump him.
I’m not the best opinion of these especially because I don’t want to get married again, but him wanting to go 50/50 on dates/trips doesn’t sit right with me esp since he makes so much more money than you already. Groceries makes sense imo but other women may have different opinions.
He doesn't seem very kind or generous, and these are must-have qualities in a partner, don't you think? He shouldn't be asking you for money while you're paying off debt. In fact, if he has no debt himself, he should be supporting you 100% at least until you're debt-free.
Why should women have to pay for dates when we earn so much less (and in your case he's earning 3 times what you earn!) and so many of us retire with practically nothing? If he can't get his head around that, and if he's lacking basic kindness, I'm afraid to say, this doesn't look good for you.
Run.
As another commenter pointed out, he is a 50/50 guy waiting to pounce. Today, he wants 25%. Tomorrow, sure as the sun rises, he’ll demand 50%, and on and on, until you have nothing left to give.
We do not negotiate with 50/50 men. I’m sorry to say this, but your boyfriend does not have a provider mindset and is not ready for marriage. If I were your boyfriend, I would be so fucking embarrassed to ask you for money.
Ditch this clown. He does not have the provider instinct, and your life with him will be slow slide into a shit pit.
If he’s making 3x what you’re making and has no debts he should be embarrassed to ask you to go 50/50.
I agree if you’re moving into his place , don’t pay towards his mortgage or anything that will make his home worth more. I feel Like I might get some hate for this, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to pay some household bills and grocery. However, not 50%. He should be paying for the majority of this since he makes more than you. Paying 25% like he wants is too much.
If you move into a home together, I still think paying 25% of everything is too much. Maybe 10-15% is better since you have loans and paying off a car. Or maybe you can split certain expenses in a fair way. I wouldn’t go 50/50 on dates/trips either. If he wants you paying into the home and bills while he’s making so much more than you, then he should be taking 100% of the cost of fun things, since you said he has so much more disposable income than you. And he should still be spending money on you even when you’re engaged/married.
why is he already bringing this up and complaining about you not paying enough…does he even care about you?
My question is, can you actually afford 50% of the trips, dates, and groceries? Ask him what he spends now, because I have a feeling that it could be more than you are currently spending on rent. In this situation, you would be paying him for the privilege of living together (?) instead of prioritizing paying off your debts. Does he understand that you want a provider, and that if you are getting married, it is financially beneficial for *both of you* if you pay off debts first rather than accumulate interest for the "principle" of it?
You are single till you are married plz don’t involve yourself in these financial situations moving in with him . That way men can string you along you lose your precious years while they can move can just fine after years of staying together with their gfs . I keep reminding myself that you are still vetting him and he is failing miserably .