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Just watched What's love got to do with it, a movie about an Indian man who gives into pressure to have an arranged marriage and his Caucasian female friend who follows his journey to marriage under the pretense of filming a documentary about arranged marriage.
He drops his marriage to an Indian woman for a more casual relationship with his friend
Thinking about it, I recall media where there's some plot point about a woman who dates an Indian man who breaks up with her for arranged marriage. Or internet comments where a woman had no future with an Indian boyfriend because ultimately they got dumped so he could go marry someone his parents approved of or was culturally correct.
A few of posts that come up from a quick google search of Reddit:
My (21F) boyfriend (22M) broke up with me after telling his parents that he was seriously dating me. They threatened to cut him off basically and told him that their family and friends would shun all of them if we were to be together because I am not Indian. It hurts a lot, as we’ve been together for over a year now and up until this point, the relationship was going so well. We were both so compatible with each other, never argued and always communicated so well with any issues we may have had. But what I really just can’t wrap my mind around is how selfish and manipulative it is for his parents to basically ask him to throw away his happiness so that they can maintain their image. The fact that he either doesn’t see this or sees it and still chose to end things is something that I think I will never fully understand. I know that the culture is so different than western culture and I was willing to meet them halfway (learning the language, not eating meat, etc) but of course it still wasn’t enough.
He says that they’ve sacrificed so much for him and basically everything he does in life is for them and as soon as he said that, I already knew that I didn’t have a chance. How could he dedicate his life to people that will cut him off if he doesn’t do what they say? how could someone basically devote their lives to people whose love for them is conditional? I can see how unhealthy this dynamic is, and even though I’m angry that he threw away what we had, I can’t help but pity him. How can he ever be truly happy if his parents are controlling his life?
My “very serious, committed” boyfriend of over a year broke up with me because he is certain his family will never accept me, among other things. (They arrange marriages based off caste) I’m American-Latina, don’t speak their language, etc although they never knew or even suspected that he was seeing anyone in the states. He is very stressed about them, work and his visa status.
It’s been months now and I’m still struggling to heal because we still regularly see each other, continue an intimate sexual relationship and somewhat consistent contact throughout the week.
I break down randomly because he was the first person to love and understand me in, what felt like to me, a deep manner. He still says he loves me and sometimes cries about it but we are 100% never going to get back together and he sees no future with me whatsoever, there is zero chance but somehow I still go through stages of hope, devastation and ultimate heartbreak like a vicious cycle.
I've been dating a wonderful guy for a few months now, and it has gone from being a casual dating relationship to something more serious. And as most do once something become more serious, I told my mother about him. She was listening contently until she asked his name. He is Indian (I am white), which is fairly apparent by his name.
My mother immediately lost it, yelling about how I "shouldn't bother, his family would never accept {me} and my life would be awful". The obvious issue she seems to have with his race (I can only assume she was projecting, but I'm not to worried about that one right now) aside, it got me worried. I know the Indian culture is an interesting one.
Thoughts?
not just Indian men. It’s Arab men as well
Indian men are often very heavily enmeshed with their parents/families.
They dream and fantasise about being with someone of their choosing (particularly of a different race) and waste women’s time, as they wait till they are ready for marriage. They then settle with the 'mommy-bangmaid' that their parents choose, the woman who will do the most for them. Those are the women they consider as 'wife' material.
Does anyone here watch 90 day fiancé ?The family never accepts the western (American) woman. They’ve had two couples now that have been an Indian man and an American woman. It’s a pretty similar story for the two couples.
Besides that, I think there’s truth to it. Especially if he has immigrated from India or his parents have. Maybe if his parents were born or moved to a western country when they were young they might be more open to it. But it’s complicated because it seems they always want to impress the family and not embarras the family. Which somehow it’s considered embarrassing to marry someone outside your culture.
When I was younger I used to be open to dating any man of any cultural background/ethnicity but as I got older I didn’t see the point because at the end of the day I knew he’d waste my time and never commit. Even if he wanted to, his parents would never be happy with it.
Also these men seem to have the idea that white or western woman are there for “fun” and are “sexually adventurous“ and will use you for that but when the time comes and he wants a wife , he’s not gonna choose you because you are not wife material. You are just for fun.
I‘d rather save myself from the heartbreak
I personally will never marry an Indian man. I have seen what they do to their Indian women and forcing their parents to live with them and making the wives life like hell. I think an open minded respectful Indian man will be in the minority, they are obsessed with their parents and moms approval lol
I also dated a man from a non-Western culture. His parents were nice to my face, but the longer I was with him, the more I realized they would never accept me, no matter that I was too good for their loser son. Of course he wouldn’t stand up for me to them either.
These days, I would highly discourage any ladies from dating a man whose parents are from a conservative culture that she does not belong to. It’s a sad truth that these men will sleep with any women, but in their hearts know they will never take them seriously or marry them. It’s not worth the battle against close-minded, resentful in-laws.
Indian here- yes, it is true. Indian men have a deeeep Madonna Whore complex. Also, Indian family systems are toxic and narcissistic af. Seriously, I have NEVER in my whole life, have seen a family that is non toxic! Even in passing, I can identify atleast one narcissistic family member who holds all the power. As for the men themselves, they are LV af and fantasize about abuse- even Ivy League educated ones. Source- they told me with their own mouths.
I am generalizing because I have never met an exception. This is all my own experience.
On arranged marriages- marriages in India are arranged based on status and wealth. It is a narcissistic image show through and through. They look for money and how good the 'bahu' can make them look to their circles. The only way a family can accept a 'love marriage' (a marriage that comes out of dating without parents) is when the bride is equal or greater in wealth, is of the same social standing/caste, and same religion- in that order.
Yes there is truth to it. If you are not south Asian and you’re dating a south Asian man, then if you haven’t met his parents within a year and he has not proposed, it’s very likely he’s just wasting your time until he’s ready to get married at which point he’s gonna go back to his parents to find himself a wife.
Oh hon I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It must be gut wrenching. I'm am half Indian and this is true. Most of the Hindu men on my Indian side of the family would sleep with white women and occasionally with women of other ethnicities. They always talked amongst themselves that the temporary "white or Western girlfriend" was convenient for sex because they saw western women as "whores" who spread their legs for anyone. When it came to marriage they wanted a virgin. My ex who was Indian also told me this. My cousins were happy to let mummy pick the virgin she was happy with and ditch their western girlfriends. The Madonna-Whore complex is much stronger in Indian and Arab culture as they are much more deeply rooted in misogyny and patriarchy than western cultures.
On the rare occasion that an Indian scrote falls for a non-Indian woman, then they will tell their parents. Now Indian scrotes will absolutely NOT stand up to their families for you even if they do like you a lot. It's rare that an Indian man will choose the woman he likes/loves over his family. It does happen but that's not the norm because a lot of their families really will cut them off forever.
My Indian father's family shunned him and didn't come to his wedding. Some family members threatened suicide to get him to stop the wedding. You're right, Indians have a caste system. And let me tell you something, they're incredibly prejudiced towards anyone, even other Indians outside their caste. I just came back from my cousin's wedding in India a month ago. It was arranged and within the same caste. Indians have arranged marriage to join families and expand their wealth and power. Anything outside of that is unacceptable. Now obviously the caste system is low value and I disagree with all of these prejudiced parts of the culture. I'm genuinely sorry about what you are experiencing. Unfortunately Indian culture really has some very low value aspects to it and Indian guys tend to me mommas boys.
Conservatives Indians don't even allow their kids to marry other Indians on the ground of community and caste. People from another race??? Are you kidding? Of course it was never serious. Several Indian men see Indian women as too familiar to fuck around with (Indians living abroad tend to be in tightknit communities) , and they see white women as too 'whore-is' to wife up. Some guys marry only if it's convenient or more beneficial to him and his family. Indian society is sadly very obsessed with status and class mobility as well, so...
Yes, however that's not worse than getting married to Indian guy when you are not. It doesn't work. Maybe if you both are of similar cultures and live permanently in the same place it can work, but I knew of three couples (women were from Eastern European countries), and it didn't matter where they lived or moved (native countries or North America), culture clash was too much that it didn't work.
I always fancied Asian men from Japan. I don’t know if Asians are just as bad as the scrotes from the west. If that’s so then I rather not dare them.