Is monogamy really the most beneficial dynamic for women?

Yes, it is. Next question

Look no further than the burden/risk of STD's and UTI's to see that yea, one trustworthy guy is better than a slew of men regardless of their character

Look at the poly community and how unhinged and drama filled they are and you’ll have your answer

One big problem is that you don’t want a man who is attracted to the idea of nonmonogamy. They are stunted, selfish, immature, and risk-seeking. Sure, women may be able to leverage nonmonogamy in certain situations. But it’s not a stable, loving, safe, peaceful life, which is what most women here want in some form or another.

I literally don't understand how people don't care about STDs.

I feel there’s a group activism element to FDS. If sex was less readily provided to unvetted men on a global level, men would have to improve their behaviour and women on the whole would benefit. I feel a key difference between being a libfem and what we’re looking at with FDS is taking our sexual politics away from being purely personal and thinking more widely.

I’m past the baby making stage so for me, dating just comes down to companionship but I want better for the younger FDSers than the nonsense those of us dating at the beginning of the 2000’s went through. I’m so impressed at the maturity and clarity of thinking of so many of the women here who are in their twenties.

For women, the only state of monogamy is marriage. And it benefits us if we vet and find the high quality man that adds value to our life. This is my first FDS post and I’ve been following and reading all through pandemic and my life has changed. And honestly, FDS speaks to a lot of the old philosophy my grandmothers taught me about men. But what did I do in my 20s? Followed the libfem nonsense and via pop media, social media and the like, picked up pickme ways. In my pickme days I would date 3-4 men at a time seeking male validation. I was unproductive, broke (because I ended up paying my own way for food and drinks), wasting time texting them and going out with them. I hated my job, my house and my life. Why? Because I sought male companionship and validation. Through my FDS education, I am renewed. During the pandemic, I dropped all the men from my phone. Never replied again to their dumb mindless texts (I don’t text men at all they must call me), and found a man that literally works for me to start a company (We are not in a relationship, I use his engineering skills only). He liked me so I said get to work. I am single. I started a company, in 3 years made seven figures and employed 13 people (2/3 are men). How did this happen? I stopped chasing idiots and now make men literally work for me. Therefore, men are only useful when they are actively working for you towards something. This is a work example but I wholeheartedly believe in marriage (parents married 50 years), because it makes them work for you, if make your standards clear. But marriage has to be with the right person for you, and requires vetting and short term dating (3-6 mos) for the right person. I‘m a math nerd and I literally have a spreadsheet I use to score all men I’m interested in and quickly move on If they don’t make the cut. Makes my life easy. FDS shows me that there are high quality men out there we must vet for, but we also must make the personal choice to be very clear about our standards and cut off nonsense right away to find our high quality husband (or choose to be single). I do not do long-term dating, FWB, or the forever girlfriend nonsense. I will never live with one I’m not married to. MEN KNOW THE VALUE of marriage. And they know right away if you are “wife” or someone they play with. I have two brothers and I went to b-school, so I’ve seen what they do with women. So keep those standards high and you will find quality; enjoy your alone time because it is a gift. You may find a man and he gets cancer, broke, ED, dies, etc. and you end up his caregiver/free therapist. I am in my forties and life gets tough. Put yourself first always and surround yourself with women (and gay guys!) that support you. Never be close friends with a heterosexual man, it is a dirty trick and causes more problems for you. I learned the hard way in my pickme hell. AND remember only marriage = monogamy. And if you want children, constantly ask yourself “will this man be a great father?“ Everything else is just guys you‘re playing with. But honestly, don’t waste your time playing around. Just do you and live your best life.

OP asked a thoughtful Q and deserves a thoughtful response even if you don’t agree with the premise. If you don’t have time for that don’t comment. Dismissing the Q with a ‘next’ response and one liner is not helpful to growing and supporting each other in this community.

I feel you're asking two different questions here. First: is monogamous commitment the best relationship model for women? I'd say yes, for reasons others have already brought up. Second: is monogamy therefore something we should seek, and be happy to "finally" aquire? I understand that the latter sounds like this red pill idea of men being the gatekeepers of commitment. Thing is, FDS is not about looking for commitment from A man, but from THE right man for you. The strategy actually advises us to decenter men and their needs from our lives and NOT work ourselves to the bone just to get "picked" by one. So if you just met a man for a first date, of course you're not looking for commitment from HIM (yet), until you have vetted him and deemed him suitable. And then he has to be just as happy to have secured your commitment (as he will be, if he's HV) as the other way around. There's nothing wrong with being happy about having found a good partner, after all. That doesn't have to mean that you wait around for that magical moment to happen. We are actually encouraged to find fulfillment in our lives regardless of men. That said, I don't think there's any use in shaming ourselves or other women for desiring long term romantic companionship. It IS indeed a goal many of us have, or rather a hope. And we are working towards that goal not by throwing ourselves at the feet of men but by leveling up our own lives so the right partner will find us as emotionally mature and content as we can be. Therein lies the difference between patriarchal conditioning that a woman's life should be striving for marriage and children, and FDS.

ETA: btw, attitude towards commitment is one of the best giveaways of a man's character. A HVM knows that women tend to have more options and therefore he'll want to be exclusive with you before someone else gets the chance. If at any point you find yourself needing to convince him to choose you, you block & delete.

Ohh shaming other women for daring to be openly emotional and crying when they get proposed? How original🙄 Maybe you can ask your question without mocking other women, can't you?

Yeah I believe the poly ones are most likely psychopaths or narcissists and will just take advantage of and exploit you if you tell them you're not interested in monogamy. It's better to have one man around who proves he's trustworthy than multiple who could be narcissist impostors. Usually narcissists as far as the men at least love non monogamy since they can use as many women as they want sexually and play all of them at the same time. I don't believe in sleeping with a man outside solid commitment or they'll just disrespect and will never value you. Just casually dating them means they won't give af if they lie and stealth and give you an std, they'd probably laugh in your face. It's better to have one emotionally committed and attached than multiple who don't give af about you. No poly guy gives af about any women or respects women.

I see what you're saying. With all the stories we hear about the male part of the couple pushing for the relationship to be "open" under the impression he'll get a lot of action, only for him to get no action and see his wife or girlfriend getting a lot of attention... men are the ones who ought to want exclusivity more than women do, if they have any sense of reality! (But most of them are delusional, as we well know.)

The idea of a scrotation is sort of in line with your idea. Though it parts ways with that when the end goal is to narrow it down to one man.

As soon as we agree to exclusivity with one man, we take the risk of putting too many of our eggs in one basket, so to speak.

You could potentially just have scrotations forever if you find that it works for you.

Personally I find it too risky if it's taken as far as sex without exclusivity. Not that exclusivity is any guarantee he will be faithful. But when there's more than one man in the equation, the chances of one of them getting an STD goes up. The chances of one of them being dangerous in some way goes up.

Everything has its pros and cons.

I believe it is, especially to have stability for future children.

How can anything that fosters jealousy in women, be beneficial to women?

I get where you are coming from. If a woman wants a bonafide relationship then yes, monogamy is the way. Most women on here want a real relationship so of course want monogamy. I haven't wanted a relationship for 5 years now. I just don't want to sleep with a pos. I definitely wouldn't call myself "poly" or any other gaslighty new age term. I'm just single.

As opposed to what dynamic exactly? Could you share some respectable alternatives? That should not include becoming a nun.

If you are surrounded by family on both spouses' side, and your husband has been exclusively approved by all of them, then yes monogamy is the best thought in about 10,000 years of humanity.

There are many perks for women with monogamy. There is way to much to go into in a comment, but, the first is couples privilege. Marriage is treated differently (at least in the US) and you get financial as well as societal benefits. That includes things like seeing your spouse if they’re in the hospital as family and tax credits.

The other benefit I would mention is that if you’re following FDS strategy and vetting for an HVM, you will be treated as such and that is a benefit in itself. All you need to do is look at all the posts from the subreddit of women who have benefited from being treated well by an HVM or men in general as they are being pursued.

Lastly, the biggest one is that casual sex or fwb situationships are extremely risky to women in many ways (I’m older, I speak from experience). This is also talked about in FDS posts, the handbook and the podcast. Educating yourself with these resources will tell you all you need to know about why monogamy and specifically, marriage, is beneficial to women.

I think it’s a really good question. There is too much emphasis on relationships and finding “someone”

Monogamy is the safer option for women, but levelling up and being a better human for yourself is more important than being with a guy.

I also don’t think that “non-monogamy” is the answer.

It's either monogamy or celibacy for me.

This is Top Post Today. What happened to FDS?

In a Matriarchy, which is the natural order of things imo, women live communally, while the men, who are far fewer than the women, cater to the women's needs. Men are the true helpmates. Not the women. A group of women can neutralize, and keep the few men under control. As it is now, the world is out of balance with way too many men. Far too much masculine energy. Marriage was created by the patriarchy to give a woman to every man. To give sex to every man,to give men a steady stream of sex, housekeeping and cooking. But that is against nature. Not every man is supposed to have a woman. Marriage is a trap, and slavery for the woman. Marriage benefits the man. He leaches off the woman, sucks her dry of her youthful energy. When she's drained, and loses her looks and health. Because the man has drained her, he just replaces her with a younger version. Men are energy vampires. Monogamy is against nature. It was created by the patriarchy to give every man a female to satisfy their needs. Women were meant to live communally, in large numbers, while having a few men helping them on the side. Men are the true helpmates. Women are the true leaders

i personally think sologamy is the way to go

There is great joy when you pick a good partner, just as there is great tragedy when you pick a bad one. Men DO seek commitment. I can agree with the other ladies here that vetting and dating is EXHAUSTING! You can read my recap, but last year for like two months I had a boy band and they were sweet, talented, funny, and handsome men but omg. They took up SO much time. And of course, I am not a group dater nor am I into group sex. So going on dates and having sleep overs one-on-one when I only had two free days a week as well as trying to find time for other things was difficult. Very difficult. And I had to prioritize my friends, too, which meant rejecting the boy band occasionally, which caused insecurity and infighting cuz they were all competing for me to pick them for a monogamous relationship and knew about each other. It was also slightly awkward to explain to my friends cuz any random man coming up to hit on me my friends just kinda assumed was one of my bfs. 💀 And before they’d just give the man feeling all over me dirty looks and usher me away, now it was, “oh, are you her bf?” Like NO! He’s just a man. Lmao. Usher me away.

Also, it’s hard not to have favorites, too, and the guys can tell. This can also lead to insecurity and infighting and blah blah. So I did have a guy drop from my boy band cuz he wanted a one-on-one relationship and felt my indecisiveness was a no. I respect that. It hurt my feelings a lil bit, but I can see why he lost interest. Basically, I had the dynamic you mentioned: men competing for my attention and a chance at a monogamous, committed relationship with me. Guys like monogamy, too, and they like to earn it. Even with multiple bfs it can still dwindle down to only one, or in my case none, making the cut.

There’s just not enough time in the day if you have a job, friends, and hobbies to properly develop a meaningful relationship with more than one man. And even if you want something super detached and not very serious, it’s still safer to be monogamous because how else do you save yourself from disease? I will say, rotational dating IS doable and a much better option over multiple bfs because it’s just dating and doesn’t include any major time suck, like a dinner date for an hour isn’t going to take up your day while dinner, sleepover, and brunch will.

Overall, I don’t regret it. I’m glad I had the experience and I might do it again in the future if I feel like it. In the future I’d stick to just two men, though, not four. Four was WAYYY too many. But. I am also VERY aware that the biggest motivation for me to do it was simply to have fun and feel better after a bad breakup. I don’t think this dating strategy is as bullet proof as you’d think. I wasn’t motivated by finding a man I’d genuinely see myself having a long term relationship with and I knew that because I don’t want kids and ALL of these men wanted kids. I got what I wanted from it, but I don’t see this as a replacement for finding a happy, healthy, long-term relationship. I see this more as a short term thing to just pass the time. And considering I could have spent my time on better pursuits to improve my beauty, health, hobbies, career, finances, education, or something else more worthwhile, the weight of this kind of relationship isn’t very valuable to my day to day.

If you’re genuinely interested in not being in a relationship I’d say simply don’t get into one. We don’t have to get married or have kids. Monogamy is the better choice for most, especially if you’re looking for a healthy, happy, long-term commitment. The next best thing to being in a healthy, long term commitment with a HVM is being single, not wasting time on men you’d never value enough to marry. I’d never recommend poly nor long term boy bands because they’re just not worth it. They take way too much time you should be using to develop yourself.

I’d like to add that no one man will EVER meet ALL of your needs. We need a community of people. We need friends, family, neighbors, coworkers. Like, a romantic partner is there to fulfill the romance and companionship roles, but they won’t be the only person in your life and they shouldn’t be the only person in your life.

Anyway. My recap: Short term for fun? Sure. Long term? No. Monogamy to one HV man is best, with just staying single and living your best life right behind it.

Honestly I don't even know what the right choice would be for me, personally. I see my mom has been all the way monogamous to my dad all these years and while he doesn't exactly treat her poorly it's like... my mom could have done way better. She does all the traditional 99% of the housework and labor, my dad just works and sleeps. She claims she never wanted to date around because other men are crazy and that's true too. I don't like dating around either... I would like to have just stuck with one man and not have to go into the dating swamp but the one ex-shituationship I was a part of happened to be with a scrote so now I'm just stuck being single. I don't mind being single what I do mind is not having money lol

I am personally pretty pessimistic about the capacity for women to maintain sexual desire in long term committed relationships. And it’s not like adding in other sex partners will solve this problem, since you still won’t want sex with your partner. I don't know how to explain it other than that as soon as sex becomes an obligation (which is realistically the case in a relationship) it loses all appeal. I know some women seem to have somewhat the opposite view…I have always attempted to attribute this to the unsavory nature of the men I've dated, but I am beginning to think that that doesn't even make much of a difference. Someone please share the ONE EASY TRICK to maintain sexual desire in a relationship, because I think we can all agree that is the desirable option for various obvious reasons...

Monogamy with LVM/NVM = NOPE

Monogamy with HVM = yes

Contraception sometimes fails and abortion has serious negative effects on hormones and mental health. So while access to abortion exists (in many countries), it still should not be thought of so casually and should be best used as a last resort. There is more benefit to being responsible and cautious about your sexual habits than invest time and energy in damage control only to be left with lingering effects. (This paragraph does not include situation of rape/medical reasons)

Your second last paragraph is exactly what FDS encourages. Men benefit from women, hence men should pursue. Having an amazing life partner that checks all boxes is, of course, beneficial to women, hence the emphasis on vetting for and choosing only HVM. However, priority should be on life level up on an individual level, thus, making yourself skillfully independent.

Why not poly? Because vetting for one single HVM itself is pretty time and energy consuming. And assuming that you have other "works in progress" towards levelling yourself up, it might not be practical as well. We are not greedy for men, we are greedy for positive results/benefits which may be obtained in different ways. Monogamy with HVM is simply one of those.

If not monogamy and also not polygamy, then that leaves us with singlehood (if I'm not wrong). While, being single for life is very much possible and manageable and creates a positive cycle of having time to work on yourself and reaping benefits of those works, singlehood still comes with its own set of difficulties. Having a life partner can ease those. That's all.

Edit to add:-

Why not simply live-in or relationship instead of marrying? So that you can be considered each other's legal guardian or legal relative when no blood relative is around for any process or procedures that may require either permission from one or allows presence of only such people from your life. Your family may or may not be alive or on good terms with you during that situation and your friends might not be able to help.

I'm starting to agree OP. The older I get the more I think monogamy ain't it. It might be in a world where men were different.

I'd rather date a few OK guys and have a nice time and occasional sex, than be celibate forever waiting for HVM that may never appear.

I actually think monogamy suits men better but we forget this. Us women have options. Mind you it is tiring vetting multiple guys and feelings getting involved can be an issue, but vetting for one suitable guy can be just as tiring.

Ok, this is a bit far afield, but the more I study ancient history and matriarchy, the more I believe that monogamy is a tool of the Patriarchy and women should be free to be sexual with anyone they desire.

Patriarchy's goal is to control the line of reproduction - by controlling women's sexual activity. Patriarchy does this by shaming women who mate with multiple men or whose children aren't "traced" to a particular man. This is how men dominate and control women, and resources.

But...Matrix cultures are women-centric, womb centric and everyone knows whose child is whose - because it's based on the woman's womb. Women live in kin-centric groups - they are safe and powerful because they aren't relocated to a man's family upon "marriage." The women are the hub and the men are outside the wheel. There is no sexual control over women at all. This means that children are never "illegitimate." Every child belongs to a woman, and every child is nurtured and valued as that woman's child. Brothers and sisters would be close and the brother would support and assist his sister's family (he wouldn't have a "wife" or "children" because he doesn't own a woman). A man's loyalty would be to the women he was born into - his mother and sisters.

I do believe that monogamy/FDS is the best way to navigate a patriarchy. And unfortunately that's what we have to work with right now. However ideally, I don't think monogamy/FDS concepts provide the maximum benefit possible to women, if we had a matriarchy.

I know it's hard to imagine because we've never seen it - But I believe that a true matrix society would give women maximum benefit. Here women would live in supportive communities, child rearing and caregiving would be everyone's job, and nobody cares who the father is (just the mother!). And men would be raised to nurture rather than dominate. Just my $.02

This video explains it in about 8 minutes. Check it out if you're interested!