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I am a working woman in mid-twenties. After months of therapy, I feel finally ready to start dating seriously again. My last relationship was 2.7 years ago. I have been single since then and have been practicing abstinence because haven't found anyone worthy to go on a third date yet, let alone be intimate.
So recently I started dating again and have been trying to follow FDS. I met this guy on OLD who's from IT background like me, 4 years elder, 6'0 feet tall, makes good money and a good lifestyle. I went on a first date with him at an upscale Pub, though I don't drink, I wanted to try this place. Our conversation was okay but very lop sided. He spoke 80% of the time, didn't ask me thoughtful questions except regurgitating the same questions I asked him. I usually try to pick mid-range places for dates, but it was on the higher side, and I honestly did not know. But he paid like a gentleman. Tipped the waitstaff, held doors. We danced and had a good time. He tried to hold my hand and touch my waist and hug me. I was okay with it as we were dancing anyway so did not feel uncomfortable. He brought me flowers while dropping me home. Also, I live in a conservative locality in a hostel, and we have in time, and it is not acceptable for women to return so late at night. It was 12.20 AM. So, he offered that I could come his home. I said some other day. I realized that he did spend a lot that night but I can't just go over his place. I would rather go to a hotel. I told him to be nice that if they don't allow me to enter, I would come back with him.
Anyway, thankfully, my landlord let me in and guys he waited till I got in because he was hoping i would go home with him. I am glad I did not. He said he has uninstalled the dating app and is only seeing me. I still want to keep dating on rotation, but I have a question. I am a fairly attractive young women and I get a lot of attention and date requests, online and offline. But I don't want to go on 2-3 dates per week. This guy would want to see me every weekend and maybe me too. I am an introvert, and I have my hobbies and dreams, so I don't know how in practicality HVW women are dating on rotation? Like if you like one guy, and he asks you every weekend and you are free so you go out? or you go on 1 date per week, and whosoever made the best date plan or put in most effort you go with them?
Also, I have one more question, for the next date he was hinting at a long drive date with dinner at a drive-in place. I am not comfortable with long drives and find it to be passive and boring and also highly unsafe. I have bad memories of men trying to get too sexual with me or demanding things because of the seclusion of a car. Also, I don't think dressing up for a drive date is worth it. And he will definitely try to get more intimate with me and I don't want to trigger my SA trauma or worse experience it again. You say that first few dates set the precedent of a relationship. After first date at an upscale place, it feels very cheap. So, should I tell him that long drives make me uncomfortable and suggest something else? Or drop the plan and tell him I am busy and see someone else.
A last question, is there an exception to never text first rule? like if he initiates conversation every day or every other day and I don't hear from him one day, is it okay if I text first? Or after a certain time has passed, I can initiate conversation sometime?
Some danger signs here. You seem to feel guilty for how much money he spent on the date. Judging by the way he conversed with you, he showed very little interest in you as a human being (and not a fuck toy). He was trying to get you to go home with him on a first date. He plans to isolate you on a second date by trapping you in a car in the middle of nowhere. This isn't happenstance. He knows exactly what he is doing. This is a recipe for coercing you into sex.
You are already smart enough to see it even without anyone else pointing it out. That's why you feel uneasy about this.
A high value man isn't just constantly ready to fuck people he just met. This guy has a bigger budget at his disposal, but he's still displaying low value fuck boy tendencies.
I would say block and delete, except he knows where you live, so you might need to straight-up say you don't want to go on another date with him. Don't explain too much about why. Just say you're not feeling it. I don't think you should say you are busy, because that would make him think he should keep trying to get sex from you.
Yes. Any free date is LV. Why? Because scrotes can have many of them in one week.
ANY date early on where you would be trapped (cardate, walk through the woods, meeting at his place) is DANGEROUS. Come on. You have a brain.
**Hey, since this has a lot of questions, I'll answer each one individually and add some comments.
I usually try to pick mid-range places for dates, but it was on the higher side, and I honestly did not know.
🚩 He needs to be picking the place, not you. That's labor on your part that he doesn't deserve.
Also, I live in a conservative locality in a hostel, and we have in time, and it is not acceptable for women to return so late at night.
**This is beyond your control, but I think if you're paying for a place to live, the conservative area can mind their own business about when women come back home. I'd give my money to an establishment that doesn't pass such judgment if I were you. I understand that's easier said than done.
It was 12.20 AM. So, he offered that I could come his home.
🚩 You already flagged that, so good instincts. A green flag would be him offering to pay for a hotel room for JUST YOU for the night and he would NOT be joining you in it!
Anyway, thankfully, my landlord let me in and guys he waited till I got in because he was hoping i would go home with him.
**I want to say he was just making sure you got in the building safe before leaving (I would consider it a 🚩 if he did not do that), but if you get vibes he was secretly just waiting for you to change your mind about taking his offer, then trust your gut.
He said he has uninstalled the dating app and is only seeing me.
🚩 You and HVM should expect that they are only seeing you. He said that to make you think you can let your guard down around him so he can pounce on your vulnerable points. He's lying. Anytime a man brings up something that should be obvious especially without any pretext, he's lying.
But I don't want to go on 2-3 dates per week. This guy would want to see me every weekend and maybe me too. I am an introvert, and I have my hobbies and dreams, so I don't know how in practicality HVW women are dating on rotation? Like if you like one guy, and he asks you every weekend and you are free so you go out? or you go on 1 date per week, and whosoever made the best date plan or put in most effort you go with them?
**You can do whatever you want. Multidating is recommended because it helps you stay detached early on and you shouldn't limit yourself before nuptials have been exchanged. But if you don't have the energy for that, then don't do it. As long as you choose to not multidate for yourself, as in you find it too exhausting, and not because you're trying to avoid scaring away a guy. Don't ever do anything for a guy. I suppose if you DID wanna try multidating, do it at your own pace. Only got energy for 1 date/week, that's fine, just know it doesn't have to be with the same guy each week. You can flip flop and bounce around between however many men you want. You don't ever tell the men any of this, cause it's none of their business anyway. If you don't feel like going on a date on some week, feel free to just decline the date. If you want to keep seeing the guy, though, also let him know the next time you're available for a date with him. Something like "Oh thanks, I'd love to go to X with you, but I'm pooped. How about next week, instead?"
So, should I tell him that long drives make me uncomfortable and suggest something else? Or drop the plan and tell him I am busy and see someone else.
**The latter. Don't ever explain to a man why you don't like something. Too much emotional labor you shouldn't have to perform and he'll just figure out how to be sneakier about it. Whether with you or the next woman he sinks his claws into. Tbh, I wouldn't even answer his text, I'd just block him at this point.
A last question, is there an exception to never text first rule?
**Yeah, if something pops up for you and you have to reschedule plans with him. "Hey, I had a family emergency and I won't be able to make it for Saturday. Can we reschedule to X, Y, or Z?" And that's IT!
Like if he initiates conversation every day or every other day and I don't hear from him one day, is it okay if I text first?
**I don't think he should be texting you every day if he's not your boyfriend. He should text you enough so you don't forget about him, but not every day. That seems desperate or like he has nothing else going on in his life...And if you are disappointed he doesn't text you every day, maybe you don't have enough going on in your life either. He can't be your only source of "entertainment" so to speak. That's how you get taken advantage of.
Or after a certain time has passed, I can initiate conversation sometime?
**No, then he's going to think he's the prize and you're desperate for him. That will either turn him off or embolden him to exploit you.
Do not ever drive more than what the man in question has to drive.
Second of all: the rotation is gross to me, especially since you would sleep with him. Stop behaving like LVM.