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Hello Queens! I have some dilemmas that I wanted to get your input on please. I appreciate any feedback you have.
One thing I want to say to my defense: I have a couple of Pick Me friends. I don’t know if I should get rid of them or not because they have been great friends otherwise, but these are the type of women who pay for men’s dinners. They give men they barely know money daily! They are constantly in my ear about how I "better not do anything to sabotage it with him because he’s an absolute catch!" How he's such and a "very rare, rare man". 🙄I refuse to have a scarcity mentality when it comes to so-called "good" or "rare" men. Perhaps my friendships with Pick Meshias are a whole other question for another time.
My dilemmas: We met online. He came to visit me. I’m in a different state. He went all out. He took me to a day spa for a spa day. Made reservations and took me to several nice, non-chain restaurants. The second time he came to visit he took me to a French chalet and a black history, museum tour (he’s 100% Sicilian-American. I'm African- American). He took me to some beautiful restaurants. If we go to a store, he’ll buy things for me. Buy things for my pet, stock my fridge. He’s constantly sending me gifts and cards with beautiful messages, hand written. For Christmas he gave me 6 gifts (I haven’t given him anything yet. I will select something) including a gold necklace and a music box jewelry box made in Italy that was originally a gift to his mom when he was 25. His mom gave it back to him several decades later, and he said told him to “give it to someone very special“ so he said he was giving it to me. Okay so far, I'm okay with everything.
He knew I had a very old car that was on its last legs, and I currently couldn’t afford to get it fixed or replaced. When he came down, he checked the oil in it and gave me the money for an oil change and tuneup, etc.
Suddenly I got a brand new car. I felt the need to explain this. I know--I probably should not have said one word about how I did it (but also I was raised to be a super mega pick me and I am new to FDS. I still don’t know where to find the manual. Is it on the site or the app? I'm even an FDS Patreon member, and I still haven’t found it), and I didn’t know about telling them as little as possible, so I mentioned that I had gotten a small settlement from an accident that I was in. Probably a mistake.
About three weeks later, I mentioned that a friend is going to Florida where he lives, and she has friends and family only about 20 miles from him. I told him after giving it some thought I was going to come with her.
He seemed delighted. He has a roommate. I know that’s probably a bad sign. Add to that, he is in his mid-60s, and yes has a roommate, ugh! (I’m in my early 50s BTW). He said, "Great! How about you handle the airfare, and I’ll get you a hotel room or a private condo on the beach Airbnb--whichever you want. How does that sound?" Instead of saying, "I need to think about it", or flat out "No, that’s not going to work!" I said, "Yes, okay." Ugh!!
To make my questions more specific: Is it too late for damage control on this? How would I go about doing it?
Do I just cancel the trip altogether? Or tell him I have reconfigured and realize actually I can’t afford the airfare." and see what he does?
What do I do about the fact that he even tried this 50-50 b/s with me?!! Should I consider him garden-variety and/or LVM who ultimately will try to go 50-50, and just break it off with him and say "Next!"??
It sounds like he was love bombing you and now his true 50/50 self is emerging. You could just tell him your plans have changed and you'll let him know if you're able to see him in Florida. Then bail on him
Maybe I'm jaded but the story with his mom's music box sounds super made up just to trigger an emotional reaction. 😅 But I digress. It sounds like he loves lavishing you in gifts on HIS terms, which is not unusual for men. He definitely believes you owe him, though, otherwise he wouldn't have tried to go 50/50. It's testing the waters to see if you'll loosen your boundaries for him because he's been so generous so far.
This sounds like a whole lot of love bombing to me. He bought you a car after how long? Seems like he's trying to buy your love. I'd be vetting what he does for a living. How can he be buying cars for people but need a roommate to pay his bills?
How long has he been courting you? I agree with other ladies that this sounds like intense love-bombing. A HVM is not defined by spurts of lavish gifts. How well do you feel like he knows you and you know him? What is his temperament? Does he care deeply about your preferences and not just showing off to you? To me, him offering to pay for your lodging but not flights when you are visiting him as a side-trip off of visiting a friend nearby is the least of the yellow flags here.
The music box stands out as an uncomfortable exchange. An LVM I dated became infatuated with me and gave me some of his beloved dead mother’s possessions. I still have the nice jewelry, and can’t bear to touch it since the thought of him causes me deep panicked anxiety. Men need to hold on to their own damn sentimental possessions until they’ve married you. It’s premature and inappropriate to give away heirlooms to a woman they’re dating.
It's also super weird that he has a roommate in his mid-60s! Maybe early 20s is okay, or in NY or SF, but nowhere in Florida is so expensive that a grown man should have a roommate. I wouldn't trust his finances - it doesn't matter that he buys you nice gifts if he's irresponsible with money and drowning in debt.
What if his roommate is not a man but his gf or wife? 😉
I don’t understand him balking at the cost of airfare when he’s been really frivolous/generous with every other aspect of you guys dating… it doesn’t make sense unless he’s taking into account the fact your trip isn’t solely to see him. What does your background knowledge of him tell you in this situation? Do you have a gut feel? The fact he has a roommate implies a bit of Peter Pan syndrome given his big age and financial spending habits. I don’t know whether i would implement damage control or explore more of the above before deciding whether to proceed with this guy.
The way you went about telling him about the trip was wrong. If you're going on a trip with a friend, why would he pay for your airfare? He should be the one visiting you on your turf. Just because you're in town doesn't mean you're seeing him. You're making it too easy on him. That said, keep letting him invest in you and see if he actually does move out and buy a house and ask you to marry him. I'd just tell him I canceled the trip but go with your friend and not tell him or just dont go. You don't need to be committed to an LTR guy who's not committed to you. Let him miss you, and let him plan your get togethers. You showing up in his area is pressure and chasing. I know logically it's not that way, but men are not logical. He will see you as chasing him and that's when you get 50/50ed. Cancel the trip or go in secret.
Yeah, I believe the fds handbook is only on reddit. You can still access the handbook when you go to the menu section