Is having no spark a deal breaker in HVM relationships after first date?

"We have everything common, including women's rights, disability rights, environmentalism"

Slow your roll. You've only met his representative; woke abusers are everywhere. You're vetting the shit out of him, not swooning about stuff he's probably lying about.

"Even if i tried to reach out across the table to give hints"

Don't initiate intimacy. FDS doesn't make the first move, she responds to his attempts. It's his role to move things along, not yours. Don't tip your hand

This is not a HV relationship yet. He's LV until he's proven otherwise.

Don't fixate on spark, focus on if he's meeting your standards and expectations.

Idk what you mean by 'spark' you need to think strategically here and not emotionally. If a guy so far is fitting your criteria then keep him on scrotation, its just one date so far. Also you might have created false intimacy in your head by texting everyday. Another rule I personally have is that I will keep my pacing or level of interest lower than the guy so that if he senses I might be losing interest he needs to take initiative or try harder and even shy guys will do it if they really like you and if not then let him go, you deserve better.

OP, if you're not feeling it pay attention to that. You don't need a reason why. But to break down my stream of consciousness when I read your post:

-red flag one: you met him on OLD (very very little good comes from this cesspool). You have no social context as to who he is IRL. -

red flag two: he "finally" asked you out (is his slowness already trying your patience?)

-red flag three: he's into women's rights etc. This is the kind of stuff men say upfront to grease the wheels. It is always bullshit. If he's into women's rights, why's he hanging around in a women's rights hellhole (OLD)? -

-red flag four: he's shy. Usually that means "I am passive and I will waste your time." It also often means "I'm kinda difficult. You will have to pry it out of me."

-red flag five: you refer to yourself as "loud." It almost sounds like a mild self put down, which then casts his shyness in a more positive light. Nah.

-red flag six: you posted this here looking for confirmation or an overruling of something that is nagging at you that makes him a no.

When I went on the first date with the dude I've been seeing for 5 months rn I didn't feel a spark either, I was just having a good time and we were laughing a lot since we have the same humour. But tbh I wasn't too Wow-ed by him at all. No butterflies, no spark like in prior relationships. Actually there were moments in which I thought he could leave and I could live without speaking to him ever again. But I think that was really healthy. He didn't trigger my obsessions or trauma responses at all. He was just kinda boring to me, because he was (and is) consistent in his actions and there isn't much to obsess about. Actually on my way back from the first date I was driving home and thought, damn, I think this could work out. I didn't initiate anything. He did, and he made sure i was okay with the pace. After the first date he asked if he could hug me goodbye or if I would prefer to not be hugged etc.

Up until this day there has not been the kind of spark that I had experienced in prior lvm relationships. Its rather the slowly growing feeling of "this could really work out" and "I think I wouldn't mind him staying". And you know what? That sh*t's peaceful af and I prefer it like that.

Also he's ridiculously good looking.

What I'm trying to say is: long term behavior is key. You can go on 5 more days with him if you're not sure. And if you're sure after that, then ditch him, or not. Who's gonna stop you.

Also don't think too much of the first date. I was all "oooh damn this could work, he could be the one" but only for 10 minutes or so.

Oh the dreaded spark debate. Sometimes a spark can be us just re establishing old comfortable but unhealthy patterns

spark usually clouds our judgement. life in general is either difficult or boring (whehn it's not dificult), and sometimes it's interesting. "spark" makes tings interesting, so we seek that. don't fall for that trap.

keep the scrotation, the vetting, think with your brain before letting the "body feels" take over. the spark might happen after a while. FDS likes to take things slow and the abscence of spark helps keep things under control. no spark = no sexual drive (yet) = good. use this moment to analyse him.

and remember that finding someone compatible with you is the most important thing. he seems to be doing well. let's see for how long...

Spark can develop over time as you get comfortable. It's actually a really good thing that you're not smitten with him right away so you can vet him properly without having your judgement being clouded by his looks or charm.

You can look at what he says and does critically and decide if the compatibility is there and worth pursuing. If not, you won't have any doubts in cutting him loose because there was no spark!

A first date from OLD is a first meeting. If he asks you out again, even if he wasn't flirty, there's clearly a level of interest on his end. Pay attention to how he conducts himself in consecutive dates - does he keep paying? Does he keep asking you out? Does he maintain his initial views/personality? etc.

Being shy might be his way of saying he takes time to develop a relationship, which is a good thing. You don't want a guy lovebombing you or wanting to make out on date #1. Just take it slow!

A spark is just limerence

Starting a healthy relationship might look like 'boring'or 'no spark' if you used to go with toxic or pick me ways of dating. I would still go on couple more HV dates to actually see if I click or not. Besides kissing in first date is too much for me personally and kissing is even considered as sealing the deal in France depending on context.

Wait, let me get this straight. You met 2 weeks ago online, finally met in person yesterday, and you're turned off because he "only" held your hand and didn't kiss you?

Girl, you just met! Take your time. Think weeks or months, not hours. If a guy kissed me on the first date, that's way too fast and I'd be turned off. If anything, sounds like he's reasonable and respectful.

Don't take that at face value though. Slow your roll, let him court you properly, and pay attention for red flags.