My fiance and I have been having some issues concerning his ex girlfriend. We started talking in October of 2020 and became exclusive in December of that year. She was his girlfriend before me and they had dated for about 5 years. They broke up due to a long distance relationship and lack of sexual attraction; however, I did not find out when they actually broke up until about four months into seriously and exclusively talking to him. He came out and told me upfront that they wernt able to break up until February of 2021 because he hadn’t seen her in months (they lived a few hours away) and wanted to wait to do it in person. His excuse was “you can’t break off a 5 year relationship over text.” They ended on good terms, but once she found out he was dating me behind her back, she was very jealous and upset. They still texted every day and shared life updates. They are basically best friends and of course, I am jealous of their relationship. I’ve voiced to him multiple times that their close relationship makes me uncomfortable; however, I teeter on this decision to ask him to cut her off due to their joyful and healthy relationship. It’s hard to make friends, and good ones at that. She has been there for him through ups and downs (life threatening situations), so it seems very greedy for me to take that away from him in order to calm my own anxiety/jealousy. He has made it clear during one conversation that he will not stop talking to her. At this point, I get into a raging bad mood whenever he brings her up so I have asked him to stop talking about her infront of me. However, I still see him texting her and it makes me overthink and spiral. I really do see a future with him and know he’s a good guy. It is not uncommon to have some overlap during dying out relationships…but months of overlap during exclusive dating?? When he asked ME to be exclusive?? It’s been over a year at this point but I still think about it all the time. What are your guy’s thoughts? Im so split, I want to let it go so so bad and let him be happy with a great best friend (maybe we’ll be friends too!)….but something in the back of my head is still enraged he is still talking to his ex that he cheated on me with.
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You CAN break off a 5 year relationship over text. Especially if you've been exclusive with your future WIFE for two+months. This is evidence he'll likely hide other things from you and cheat on you in the future. For all you know he never even broke up with her.
IMO,:
1. He didn't care for his ex, because he cheated on her.
2. He cared about having another tree to jump to first, because he chose to lie to both of you for 5 months instead of dumping her.
3. He's stringing her along, because he cared about how A PERSON HE WAS TO DUMP viewed him. It wouldn't surprise me if he tried to have sex with her when they got together and he dumped her, btw.
4. He didn't care for you, because he hid the fact he had a gf, to cheat on her with you and, as if it weren't enough of a big deal, denied cutting her off in expense of your suffering.
5. She still has feelings for him, because who chooses to stay friends with someone they can't trust?
He needs to grow tfu (although it would be too late if I were you) or leave.
So many red flags 🚩🚩🚩 it's not even funny... it's sad. You deserve better. End the engagement and cut all contact.
Once a cheater, always a cheater is my rule. Nothing about your post indicates this guy has a modicum of respect or care for you or how you feel. You know it too, which is why you asked in the first place. You’re obviously a kind, empathic person. Stop being cruel to yourself trying to make it work with a scrote that may as well be screaming in your face, how much he doesn’t care.
No man in a relationship needs to be friends with his ex. She is on hold for him. And he cheated on her with you. Don't you see how low value he is? Dude is a mass of stress.
Drop him 🥴 waiting to do it in person is so shady, he could've just FaceTimed her in October. Also not to add to the dread, but there's also a possibility that they slept together. A last hurrah since they probably haven't seen each other in awhile, I've been there before 😬. Her being very jealous is weird. If I'm close enough to a man to talk to him every damn day, I'll make an effort to be cool with his partner so this weird jealousy shit wouldn't happen. His refusal to cut her off and not make the sacrifice for someone he's supposed to spend the rest of his life with makes him a NVM. He can go marry her ass then smh.
So he started dating you before even broke up with her? Hard pass. I don’t really care how long they dated. Exs are exs for a reason. There is absolutely ZERO reason why he should still be in contact with her at all, let alone a friendship? Absolutely not. With all due respect, it’s time to wake up sis. There is a reason he is keeping this connection. He has already told you point blank that he will not be severing contact with her, not even for you. You are on the back burner. The sooner you can do what needs to be done and peace out, the sooner you can find someone who truly deserves you. It is absolutely clear that he does not. Do NOT let the emotions you have invested cloud your judgement. In all honesty, you shouldn’t even have to ask him to stop talking to her or bring up the fact that it bothers you. Because it shouldn’t be happening at all! If he cared about your happiness, this wouldn’t have even been a request you had to make. So sorry but it’s time to move on and level up.
There is absolutely no reason to remain friends with an ex if children aren't involved. Men like to keep little harems of women they've been with to feed their egos and so they have someone to DM when bored. I personally would break it off with this guy bc he's already disrespected you.
I remember Lilith saying on an episode she doesn't speak to any of her exes because like, why. And I am a HARD SAME. My personal feeling is that the whole "it's *evolved* and *enlightened* to be friends with your ex" is a total gaslighting psyop. Your gut is speaking to you.
"I really do see a future with him and know he’s a good guy."
Respectfully, how? This post paints the picture of being unable to enjoy your relationship because of the torment his relationship with his ex is causing you. He has behaved in ways that call his trustworthiness into question, and hasn't amended his behaviour (even just in front of you) to save your feelings after you've indicated something upsets you. He has prioritised, and been pretty clear, about what he wants. The question now is whether you can be courageous about standing by what you want. Is it a dealbreaker for you? If so, you need the balls to follow through otherwise you're just a hostage. As for any ultimatums, remember: if he wanted to, he would.
Does the future you envision with him include this woman being present in both of your lives? You mention she might become your friend too, but that hypothetical requires that you change the way you feel about this whole scenario in the direction of what he wants. You can't, and I would argue shouldn't, treat your feelings as the problem to be fixed here. Would you want to befriend this woman if it wasn't the case that your relationship is apparently contingent on tolerating her? What's going to change to make that pleasant? Is this just some magical future where you don't feel how you feel, and the things that bother you just somehow don't anymore? If it's not OK now, why is it OK in this utopian vision?
There's a lot of red flags here. 1) Still talking to ex - what is his game here? 2) Disregards your wishes, even thoughyou have told him it makes you feel uncomfortable (This is BIG) 3) He cheated? Girl, no. You deserve better.
This sounds shady sis, I would not be in a rush to marry this man. You are meant to be his best friend, not some other woman nevermind his ex girlfriend.
How does he not feel guilty about it, especially after you spoke to him about how it makes you feel? He shouldn't have to be told not to have such an intimate friendship with an ex. It sounds to me like he enjoys the feeling of having two women compete for his affections, and clearly only prioritizes his own feelings. The whole "I can't end a 5 year relationship over text.... but I can string her along for months" reeks of him caring more about his image (how it looks to dump somebody over text) vs caring about another persons feelings (which would mean he would wait until he had broken up with his last gf before moving on to the next. He could have done it over video call and nobody would have batted an eye. His excuses were weak as hell.)
He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care about doing the right thing. He is with you because it's convenient and you let him walk all over you. Do you want to marry somebody who is so selfish, and will disregard your feelings for the sake of his ego?
Good God! He used you to cheat on his long term gf... And you agreed to marry this slimy man?!?!!!? And he hasn't cut contact w her at all???? What are you with him for, just leave him to that disaster. Don't let him use you as a placeholder
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Listen to your intuition, sis. He’s not the one for you, especially since even though you’ve voiced several times she makes you uncomfortable since he was literally cheating on you with her yet he won’t give her up, it’s clear he has chosen her over you. And he’s done so several times. Marrying him won’t change anything but will lead to more jealousy and outrage. Dump him, sis, it’s just not worth the drama.
I think her jealousy of you says a lot. I have a friend that I met in a similar way so I’m writing from the perspective of someone with that type of friend. I think if she doesn’t want to at least try to get along with you it’s a very bad sign. Also if he doesn’t care about you being on speaking terms with her or if he tries to keep you from having private conversations about him with her, it’s probably because he’s hiding something.