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Hello all. So, I'm 32, work full time in a barely above minimum wage job, and I was lucky enough to be born in one of the most expensive parts of the country. I had an abusive childhood leaving me with CPTSD and it's other symptoms, social anxiety and depression. I have spent years trying to improve my mental health and heal my trauma with medication and therapy since I was 18.
In some ways I'm more confident but in others things are pretty bleak at times ngl. I didn't move out of my parent's place til I was 30. I feel like my parents didn't teach me a lot about life. I'm kinda scared and embarrassed of my own existence. Anyway, for 2 years I've been living with a landlady. I long for my own place, because my CPTSD makes me feel like I don't belong anywhere. I get anxious and feel guilty if I want to use the kitchen here, so I'm becoming very unhealthy and poor because I don't cook unless I'm at work. My landlady has recently been looking after her 5 year old relative which makes me even more uncomfortable about living here too. For the sake of my mental health, I'd really like to move out. But I have no hopes of affording anything in this part of the country.
I've been thinking of moving up North but I can't drive and don't have any friends who can. It took me years to feel comfortable at my current job, so I'm scared to start afresh. I'm scared to leave my friends where I live now, but I keep questioning if my friends truly care anyway, as they rarely bother to make plans with me unless THEY want to.
I'm becoming very depressed and resentful, I work very hard, 14 hour shifts in a care home and overtime, but a huge chunk of my earnings are taxed off. I don't really have much of a support system, my parents are retired, I can't ask them to help out. I feel utterly lost and tearful. I just want my own place, nothing grand just somewhere I can relax and cook when I want to, and not have to worry about telling anyone how my day was after working 14 hours.
But I'm afraid I'll be isolated if I move away from the handful of friends I do have. I really am at such a loss.
I also had an abusive childhood and I didn't move out of my parents' home till I was about 30. (I wanted to move out earlier but my mother manipulated me into staying for longer. I now realise that she did this so she could abuse me for longer). I don't have much in the line of advice but I just want to say, well done on getting out. That's quite an accomplishment.
Baby steps, OP. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Take that new confidence and apply it to your goals: a new place to live, some driving experience and a healthier diet. This is all doable. But think a little differently: moving to your own place might be a mammoth task right now, but moving to a better/different one? Doable. Overhauling your diet is a big deal, making healthier snack choices = doable.
Your friends, if they are any good, will be there for you should you relocate. The strength of friendship shouldn’t be measured by its proximity to one another but the strength/pleasure you draw from it wherever you are. I also think there is huge value to a change of scenery. I have just relocated to a city in England from a much quieter spot in a bid to improve various aspects of my life. I think change can be good for the soul so would encourage you to work towards that aim if it’s still occupying your thoughts.
You have overcome a lot and should be proud of that. You will overcome this, too.