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I violated my standards yesterday and I know it's gonna be a while until I recover from this. I let someone into my flat on the third date after he kept asking and regretted it instantly. Nothing happened, I managed to at least keep that up, but he mocked my boundaries in a deeply hurtful way, was annoyed I made up a seperate bed for him, didn't thank me for it, of course, cause I'm the maid I guess? He's just one of the guys I'm seeing right now and I'll block him, obviously, but I'm reeling because I thought he was promising. Very educated, talkative, good job, capable of direct communication, but especially the latter just turned out to be him being unnecessarily rude and judgemental. When it mattered most he was not direct - wanting to have sex on the third date like that's somehow an unspoken agreement and then being pissed it's not happening. He made me feel bad for only wanting intimacy with someone I actually care for and am sure cares for me. I am so so glad I didn't let him touch me. Talking to him during the time we would have prefered to be having sex was exactly when I realised he was not for me. He also didn't remember many of the things I told him about myself when I've not even been the one who talks the most and then dared to say he felt like he didn't know me.
I scrubbed and aired my flat today and already feel better having all traces of him gone. He made me doubt myself in the moment but now it's reinforced my standards and made me see another guy I'm dating in a different light. He is lacking in education so it probably won't go anywhere, but he is such a gentle person and would never dream of talking down to me like the other guy did. He is into me and is trying everything to show me that by being a gentleman instead of bringing me down. I know now that I need someone like that who lets me open up at my own pace and doesn't try to hurry things along when we've barely scratched the surface.
Here's an image I saw yesterday:
We don't learn as well as when we experience something. Sometimes a reminder is really good.
sorry he showed his true colors in an awful way. it's okay, you're safe now and you know better. take the time to mourn and then you'll be able to move forward with a clearer head.
Whew! Glad you're safe.
Don't bring men over to your place if you've only known them a short while. 3 dates is a drop in the bucket. Careful not to project onto the other guy. He's still a stranger, not a gentleman yet. Vet him harder.
The "kept asking" part was the red flag. Any man who pushes me beyond my comfort zone, in ANY way gets the ax. A man pushing himself into your home is the same as a man pushing himself into your vagina. Home=Vagina. Don't let a man into your home until he's earned it.
I love the affirming feeling of “I am SO happy I didn’t let him touch me!” Maybe it’s petty of me to get so much joy from it, but it’s nice to see validation of proper vetting so instantly like that.
Good for you. I think you did well to stay safe and not let yourself get pressured into sex. A lot of us have been collectively trained by society to never say no or resist men - it’s hard to stand firm especially if he’s in your house and actively trying to wear you down.
I made the same exact mistake...seriously I even posted about it. A guy I really really liked asked to make out in my apartment after the fourth date and even though it felt wrong to me and I didn't trust him like that yet, I still allowed it to happen because it kind of took me by surprise. No sex happened, but he was way more touchy feely than I expected, way too weird about making out, and it mentally put me in a weird position. After that, it completely changed the vibe of the relationship because it created this false sense of intimacy and I went from calm cool collected vetting mode to some weird anxious pickme mode after that. The whole relationship fell apart soon after since he could sense my shift in mindset, which good riddance but still. Its one thing to know what fds would want you to do but it’s another to apply it in the moment. Sometimes you need to learn the hard way. I learned a valuable lesson in that a hvm would never push for more intimacy or even put you in that position without haveing a conversation about your sexual expectations for a relationship and boundaries first. Period.
There was a time in the not so far distant past that being alone with a male in a room meant you were having sex. Women need to go back to understanding this. Every excuse to get you alone near a bed, couch, or ither surface is a man trying to f*ck. There's no "have a drink at my/your place," "watch a movie together at my/your place," "cook dinner at my/your place," etc. that isn't 100% sexually motivated on the man's part. Men buy you drinks in the effort to lower your inhibitions just to get sex. Men buy dinner to get you to have sex. They're only sexually motivated, and we must persist in keeping men in PUBLIC places until some sort of real relationship is established. I was with my first boyfriend for nearly 1 year in public, no sex. Don't let yourself be alone with a man unless you want to have sex with him. Your intentions aren't his. We've all made the same mistake before, though. I had a guy from work who said he'd bring a movie and some food to my place, and he showed up with NOTHING and having had food and drinks with friends before coming over. And I made him walk over to the movie store with me to get a movie and to get some steaks from the store so that I could eat dinner alone. Men have 1 thing in mind. Never forget it.
Done the same mistake than you almost two years ago and what happened was way worse. I'm so glad you are safe, take care of yourself, focus on yourself and then get back out there with stronger boundaries.
sorry to hear that. that’s good you acknowledged that you broke a standard of yours. also he seems like an ass tbh. yeah i’ve done something similar recently and i also went on a date and the guy was touchy so after i made an excuse to leave i blocked him. we shouldn’t have to deal with these things.
When are some of you gonna learn to stop considering a man promising so soon??? It’s easy for a man to look like the man you’ve always dreamed of in a short amount of time, to get you where he wants you. Read the handbook again if you need some reminders and tone down the desperation so you can weed these guys out sooner. You should’ve never allowed him into your home. Hold tight to your standards and don’t adjust them for anyone.