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I am in panic mode right now so I was wondering if anyone could help calm me down and weigh in.
In short, in the past few months, I noticed my fiance started to seem off, not himself, not so eager to spend time with me and more emotionally unavailable. At the same time, he has been planning the move in with me and proposed to me during our holiday together, only about a month ago although it feels further away. Then I got a new FT job and worried that we would have even less time together, to which he was dismissive about, he said "its literally only been 3 days why are you making a big deal about this". Even during the holiday we had he seems closed off, less happy and emotionless. In the past couple weeks I have immersed myself quite heavily in my new job, and I noticed he's become even more distant - less responsive when talking to him, like hes in another place. I am confused why he is acting like this but also proposing and talking about moving in with me finally. He told me he has felt "a bit off lately" because he feels like he hasnt achieved anything he set out to do, while saying how impressive I am with how successful I've been. It made me feel guilty for my achievements. Over time I realised he was right - I am way more successful than him, have far more ambition and resilience, while he sits there playing video games and hating his job. He lives with a toxic family, which may be getting to him. I finally confronted him about it yesterday by telling him that he seems off, not very happy and closed off. He disapeared for the entire night (currently long distance), said he was sleeping despite having an online status the entire time, then messaged overnight saying he didnt like that I was telling him how he felt. This morning he said hes not going to be around much because he is cleaning up, but now hes on a video game. I know that sounds terrible, I feel like ive been treated terribly and I dont think i did anything wrong by confronting him saying he doesnt *seem* happy. But this is hard, we've been together for 3 years, we had our anniversary last week, I have to go to work tommorow acting like everything is ok. He's clearly avoiding me and lying to me, and although I dont know if i have the strength to break up, I know hes not good for me. On top of this mess, I've also developed a "crush" on another man. Emotionally I am a mess and it is overwhelming.
Please help, what do I do? I don't know how to cut this cord, its too hard and I can't handle this stress while having other things going on as well. It's too much emotional turmoil for me but I want a better man so badly. I just dont know if he exists. I want a man who talks with me through my concerns, rather than avoiding me and antagonizing me. I want a man who makes me feel calm and not this. But I feel so attached, I've talked to him just about every day for the past 3 years, its my first serious relationship etc. I want to be happier and my fiance I dont believe is happy, which drains all the joy out of me every time we talk now. I dont think he wants to be happy, or doesnt know how to be, but I want to be. I dont know if I should take a holiday from work, or use work to distract myself. I have no one to talk to about this. I still love him, I just hate the way he makes me feel and hate seeing him miserable all the time. This all feels so wrong right now. Also worried about his mental health if I break up with him, I don't want to make him miserable even if hes being a jerk. I do care about his happiness, I don't like seeing him like this. However hes hurting me too much. And wondering, is what he is doing emotional abuse? My mind is a mess, Im confused whether or not I did something wrong although I dont think I did.
Thanks for reading, please dont judge too much, there are good qualities in him and he was not always like this. At the beginning, he wanted to be happy and he had more of a drive. His motivation has slowly died over the years and his depression has worsened.
"He told me he has felt "a bit off lately" because he feels like he hasnt achieved anything he set out to do, while saying how impressive I am with how successful I've been. It made me feel guilty for my achievements"
Ding, ding, ding
This is the death blow to your relationship.
He feels insecure and emasculated by you, he'll never stop punishing you for that. Read it again. Every morsel of success you achieve will feel like a dagger in his back.
You've done nothing wrong.
Drop kick this guy into the sun, he's dropping the mask now that he thinks he's got you hooked.
Pull the rug out from under him.
Cool as a cucumber, tell him this relationship isn't working for you and you wish him the best of luck. Pawn the ring and spend it on a girl's trip with your friends.
You don't owe him an explanation or anything. Drop him, block him and continue on your life.
Let's cut through the noise and excuse-making here and call it what it is: he's a loser and is mad that you're doing better than he is, and he proposed because he knows he doesn't deserve you and was scared to lose the best thing that has ever happened to him. Three years is a long time to be dating without an engagement. After you got the awesome new job, he realized that the clock was ticking and that you would easily find a better man while he'd continue to languish in his self-inflicted loser world alone if he let you go.
Notice how your own happiness doesn't factor in to any of the above? That's because he doesn't care about your happiness even a little bit. He resents you for your success even as he clearly plans to benefit from it by marrying you. If you want to end up paying alimony to this deadbeat loser after the inevitable divorce in a few years, with the bonus of him probably cheating on you and maybe even giving you diseases he collected from whatever pickmes he finds through his vidja games, then by all means marry him. If you want better for yourself--and you do, or you wouldn't be on this site--then kick him to the curb, focus on detoxing from the many abusive behaviors he has likely been inflicting on you for years that you will only see clearly in hindsight, and when you're ready to date again, make sure the guy is in your league. Like all scrotes, this one deserves to be single.
Sorry for your loss but one day you'll look back on this relationship and wonder why you ever settled for such a bottom feeder. Keep your chin up and sail on, Queen. Post here as much as you need to if the temptation to keep him or go back to him becomes too much to handle alone. We're here.
You already know what you have to do. This relationship is dead, it's time to move on. This guy is a burden, at worst, and a waste of time, at best. In a few years, you will even regret wasting so much of your precious time on Earth with him (trust me: been there, done that). Tell him it's over, then block, delete and go level up. If I hadn't left my useless ex, after 4 years (shame on me), I would never have met my amazing husband.
Just read your update, have you blocked and deleted him yet?
Please don’t wait around for him like a chump. Please cut him off. He has shown you who he is through his actions and behaviour towards you. You have your closure. Time to live your best life.
You can do this, we are all rooting for you!
As we say in France "if he is the right horse, he will come galloping back". Cut contact for a few weeks. Disappear. Don't answer your phone. If he is not begging you back with tears and a bunch of flowers...he's not the one honey. Sell the ring, buy yourself something nice and don't look back. When one door closes, another one opens. Maybe not straight away...but it will. 💋
Get out. First of all, a man who loves and cherishes you will be happy about your achievements and celebrate you. Second, if you marry this man, you will definitely have to get a divorce and may have to pay him spousal support. Nothing worse than coming to terms with the fact that an ex was a jerk to you and you're sending him money for it. Third, you cannot level up if you're partner is spiraling down. He will bring you down with him. Finally, his depression or any other mental health issue is never an excuse to tolerate his crappy, confusing, or bad behavior. If he's so unstable that his mental health is negatively impacting you, he needs to stop dating full stop and get treatment. There are many people with mental health issues who have done the work to get therapy, meds, and the like and can be in good relationships. Your guy doesn't sound like one of them.
He is probably cheating because his masculinity has been challenged by your work. He sounds like a mentally weak man, and you should be glad he’s showing himself before you’ve sunk too much time into him. I say pack up and move on. If he loves you, he’ll put in effort. Too many men in this world to wait around for someone to care.
Another update: I sent him a break up message, I explained a bit and blocked him. He immediately got his mum and friend to try to get me to unblock him. I am immediately feeling guilty about hurting him and making him suddenly have to plan a new living situation. I have booked a holiday in two days.
Hi lovely, I’m sorry you’re hurting. Here’s the good news: you’re going to feel much better real soon. A couple of years ago my then-new fiancé started checking out and leaving me the sense that he was less interested/in tune/bothered about me. We had just become long distance and I initially put it down to the pressures of his new job. I confronted him. Nicely. He wriggled out and gave me the ‘I’m confused’ line and listed a whole host of faults at my side for contributing to this new confusion of his. Funny, because 6 weeks earlier on the French Alps he didn’t strike me as a man who didn’t know what he wanted. Long story short, my gut was telling me the gig was up. When I stepped away from his rambling WhatsApp messages and his attempt to overcompensate through social media (yeh, the dude was 37!) I saw it for what it was: why the fuck would I a) want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me or wasn’t fucking SURE after 2+ years and b) why was he wasting my precious time flip flopping and messing with my mind when he was the one making ME upset. You’re describing perfectly a man who hurts you emotionally, can’t meet you at your level in terms of ambition and ‘avoids and antagonises’ you. Hon, you don’t want to marry this man you want to be the fuck tonne away from him and his misery making. I know it’s tempting to cling to what you had. 3 years is a long time and there was clearly something there for you to come to this stage. But I would ask yourself (even though I think you know the answer to this) ‘will this man make me happy as my boyfriend or future husband?’ You’ve given a tonne of legitimate reasons why this man doesn’t make you happy. When are you going to make yourself happy and start a fresh life away from him and his low value drama? It’s normal that he’s both capable of being a nice man and one who routinely disappoints you. That’s the disconnect with people and all their quirks. But right now he’s detracting from your life and not adding to it, right at the stage where you’re meant to be on cloud 9 because you’re engaged FGS. Choose happiness and choose you instead.
I hate to say this because people said it to me, and was true, but without proof it’s almost Makes things worse….this is cheating and affair behaviour. People who act conflicted and you can’t put your finger on it are always cheating. This is how people act when they have someone else. Someone who’s just lost interest leaves. This man sounds like he’s cheating and coming up with cliched reasons that don’t make sense leaving you confused. Unfortunately affairs always mean lies and gaslighting and leave people feeling how you feel. I hope he dies so you get some relief.
I blocked but he quickly found another way to send me one last message. It was a whole lot of I'm sorry for x y and z. I didn't read it too much. I feel sick I wish he didn't have to do this and we could be happy together like we used to. I am trying to remind myself why I did this. I still love him to pieces but doesn't change that he behaved shitty. I have very mixed feelings I wish I could see him in person and at the same time I know he's not going to change. Maybe I should take a break from worrying about this right now and see if I get clarity over time. I wish I still felt how I felt a few days ago instead of this doubt I'm having now.
Update :he's telling me he wants a break because he's sick of being told how he feels. I haven't responded or read the whole message