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Two years ago in my pickme days I (30F) met a man (41M) on Tinder. He immediately came out as clinically depressed and hence wanted to take it slow. I agreed because his honesty impressed me and after history of narcissistic scrotes he was actually kind to me. I saw his medication and therapy plan, as well as his depressive episodes, so I had no doubts.
For 2 years we have been doing everything he wanted. We only met once due to his “depression” but it was intense and I was a pickme. I fell in love with him. What ensued were TWO FUCKING YEARS of an emotional rollercoaster. Via TEXTS. Sexting and me sending explicit pictures. Feel free to roast my clown ass.
he was ghosting me after seeing that I was going mad worrying when I have not heard from him as agreed (sui-cide risk)
I got mad and stopped talking to him because major disrespect
he apologized and lovebombed me (can a narcissist be depressed? research says not likely)
I forgave him
this cycle continued for two unbelievable years
It gets worse though. The ghosting part was an easy one. He would also call me names in his anger outbursts, make fun if me and patronize me, he called me a slut once for disclosing my recent HPV diagnosis, and much more. The context was that I wasn’t diagnosed in my exam before him, and the pap smear came back HPV-positive months after him where I haven’t been with anyone else. He accused me of giving him cancer and I had to explain to him a million times that he does not have a cervix and that he was the one giving me the virus. What came next was the classic me ending it swearing I’ll never speak to him again and him coming forward with a heartfelt apology weeks later. Oh and his excuse upon excuse as to why we can’t meet again. And I can’t believe that after all of this I was still sending him nudes everytime he had the audacity to ask and play his free therapist in the middle of the night. I wonder which of my past traumas made me into this kind of a doormat or whether it was all of them combined or whether it’s my abusive father’s influence.
My recent fit was when he went stone cold after telling me how he misses me and how much I mean to him. Weeks after he tells me I mean nothing to him. When confronted about this inconsistency he said “I was in a good mood back then or something Idk”. He future-fished me with taking a trip together because he knows I have never taken one with a guy and that it’s kind of my dream to do that. A nice hotel and everything, great food, spa. Of course that never happened.
Reading this after myself, it 100% sounds like narcissistic abuse. But this man obviously hates himself as I have witnessed many times and he’s also been open about losing his job recently, etc. (he’s an airline captain and his employer had to let staff go in the pandemic) and narcissists usually don’t disclose their personal failures. Just to explain why I couldn’t believe he’s abusing me for so long. Also he managed to gaslight me everytime I called out his behavior telling me that I don’t understand his disease. He also likes super violent porn and a far right party (for Germans here, the AfD). He told me about how he bought a house for his ex and gave her money after they broke up but wouldn’t do that for me because it was a mistake. I made it my personal quest to investigate why I don’t deserve as much love as his ex did. All in all, a NVM and a crazed pickme situation.
I love him because he was kind to me for the first 6 or so months 🤡🤡🤡
Yesterday I finally blocked and deleted. Please tell me anything, I need help. Thank you ❤️
First off what you are describing is abuse. Second youre not a clown. Yes when you list out these bad events it is black and white but when you’re dating a highly manipulative person who sets out to manipulate you, it’s confusing. Abuse is confusing. Manipulation is confusing and VERY harmful. I suggest you read ’Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft to better understand An abuse And what happened to you. This man is cruel, he Is entitled and he is punishing you to control you - dishing out kindness or moodiness interchangeably. He has no right to treat anyone this way, depression has nothing to do with abuse. As Lundy would say in his book, he might be depressed, but he is also an abuser and if he stops being depressed he will still be an abuser. You’ve been through something traumatic, this man has tortured you, that’s why you feel so bad. You get psychologically, emotionally and it sounds like sexually exploited and bulldozed and it takes time for the pain to go away. It will go away in time, for me it took 6 months to a year in the past with abuse. there is a reason this man has not established and kept a relationship at 41 he is a bad person. Hugs, you’ll date other people who won’t be abusive and traumatize you. You’re not a clown, what happneed to you was not a joke.
I am proud of you for blocking him, be proud of you too. Life is FAR too short to waste on someone who legitimately hasn't done anything for you to materially improve your life. He is not making your financial survival any better. He is not massaging you or cooking for you at the end of a long day, he is not motivating you to hit the gym with him to improve your health, he is not paying any of your bills or giving you awesome orgasms - he has done nothing but TAKE your precious time off and used it to masturbate his ego with. You could be using that time you spend managing his feelings on leveling up. Blocking him was the wisest thing you could do. I hope you sign up for a therapist to figure out WHY you let this NVM into your life. I went because I was in a similar situation and it really helped me stay strong from back sliding.
Awesome!!
Hi Fuchsia! This was 3 months ago. How are you doing now?
I wish we were close by one another. I fell for a depressed man, used 13 years of my life. Roller-coaster would have been a gift. Sold my home, married for 10 months, promises, lies... But the biggest hurt was now that it FINALLY is over and we haven't communicated in three months at all (a total first) I look back and realize I do not know much about him at all. No childhood stories, no real information about what, why or how he grew up. Maybe it was the mystery, maybe it was my caregiver personality, but no matter what WE DESERVE MORE. The biggest change was I put myself on a plan. Get back to me. Healthy, treadmill daily, vitamins... I decided to treat myself like it treated him. It's hard, don't get me wrong. Why... I don't know. Why can we care for others and not show the same love to ourselves? Why don't we bond well with women? But take so much from men and keep coming back for more? Until we can identify and car, nurture what's best in us, how can we select someone good for ourselves?
I think you’re dealing with a covert narcissist. Melanie Tonia Evans was listed in the resources of FDS - either on Reddit or the discord I can’t remember. And she’s helped a lot of people. Her YouTube videos are free.
You did the right thing. I know that it was hard to do so and you might get temptations to unblock him. If you'll feel tempted read this post that you wrote over and over again. So you would remind yourself what you had to go through.