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Dear sisters,
When we talk about being single and what we miss about being in a relationship or our ideal partner, I feel like we don’t talk enough about how physically and mentally exhausting having to manage everything by yourself can be.
The burden of all the responsibility, of managing all the chores, errands, to do’s etc. after working full-time is always on you alone and if you don’t get it done – no matter how tired or sick you are – it will not get done. When I get home from work it’s honestly not romance or sex or companionship I miss most days. It’s someone who shares the burden of the “second shift”. Who may already have prepared dinner or done the grocery shopping or vacuumed the floor or repaired that pesky thing that has been on my to-do-list for ages or who will do these things while I take care of something else. Someone who, when I say “Oh, I still have to do that”, goes “Don’t worry about it, I’ve already taken care of it”. And he really took care of it, no double checking needed. Someone who is able and willing to take over when I am tired, sick or have to work longer.
I know it’s kind of stupid and definitely not the reality in most heterosexual relationships (where the woman still does all the work alone) but whenever I see one of those cute elderly couples working in the garden together with him mowing the lawn and her harvesting tomatoes… I can’t help but think “Damn, I want that”.
I know you are going to say “Be glad you don’t have to take care of a manbaby and a real baby on top of that” and you are right, but can we acknowledge that even without that doing it all alone can often be really hard?
I know friends or family members can help and they do for specific projects or tasks but you can’t really ask them to drive to your home a few times a week and clean and prepare dinner, right?
I also value my time alone, so I am not really interested in living with a roommate and sharing chores with them and it would very likely be really bad for my mental health.
I recently saw a quote (unfortunately can’t find it again) from twitter or something that said something like “one of the reasons why we are so exhausted in today’s society is that people are trying to do things alone that were only done with the support of a community in the past” and it really resonated with me.
I’ve been single for a while now and I’m not lonely (yay friends and family) or sexually frustrated (yay toys and a vivid imagination) or bored (yay work, hobbies, chores, volunteering…), I’m tired.
At times I just want a pal and life partner in one person. Business partner, partner in crime.
I don't know. I've never had that. I had a manbaby who made my life harder. Raising two kids without him is much, much easier. Even when he was watching them he wasn't really watching them. Just plopped them in front of a TV with a bowl of Cheetos and played videogames in the other room. I used to come home to the biggest messes. And I always worried so much about my kids safety, because they were absolutely not safe under his care.
It would be great to find a HVM to share the burden. But man, they are elusive.
I completely agree with you. It's hard. I often contemplate whether I want to live with room-/housemates next for that very reason. I'd love a domestic buddy. My boyfriend might be a candidate but I'm extremely wary about moving in with a male partner again. To me, the idea of living with a like-minded woman or two sounds more appealing. Heck, I'd even live with my mom if she'd finally work up the courage to divorce my dad. Finding a “gal pal” with similar interests and values who also doesn't want to move in with her partner is very hard though. I have one friend who would be looking for a housemate next year but sadly she is quite messy, I couldn't stand it. Maybe I have to find some sort of communal living project, but I don't have many ideas as of now. The other option is to set aside a budget for a housekeeper, I guess.
This is so true. Life is easier when you know you can count on someone to help you drop your car off and pick it up from the garage.
Acts of service is my love Language. Idk that I have ever had that from a man though. Most men want you to help them. But yes, if I could find a male who genuinely enjoyed helping me without hidden agendas, it would be such a joy.
YES. I’d LOVE a helper . And I’d love to help someone too! It’s tough running a business as well as … life. My ex was worthless. Funny thing is he wanted to divorce me because he didn’t think I was making enough money … even though I did all the housework in addition to my job, it wasn’t enough.
Joke’s on him. I make a lot more money now, still do all my housework , and he most likely still eats cereal for dinner and never cleans.
But yeah . Even though I would love a HVM to appear and be my person as well as helper.. it ain’t gonna happen.
My ex was very much an equal partner and a great friend (other things were the problem), so I understand. Sure having a partner can double the workload and be super emotionally draining but the right person tips those scales in a way that makes having a HVM partner so worth it.
Just hire a cleaning service for a couple of hours every week, order food delivery when you are tired, stop worrying about fixing a broken thing, get a new one or go without, etc and ask for a raise.
I don't get the nostalgia of good old timy days. When exactly was that? When child minding wasn't a thing? When children had to work to survive?