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I am one of those previously divorced women who does not want to get married again. I want to leave my considerable assets directly to my children, I want completely disentangled finances and minimal compromise.
I have known my long-term boyfriend for 11 years, and we've been together for about 8.
He has a hobby- let's say it's mountain biking- that takes up a lot of his time and a moderate amount of money. This does not bother me. What bothers me is the fact that, over the years, I have suspected that he is using it as a cover a few times. I have let that go because once it was proven to me that he was using it as a cover to sneak away and buy play tickets that I desperately wanted.
I suppose it's good news that he's a terrible liar. I know that he's lying, or at minimum he's withholding information.
I haven't confronted him because I'm going to be ready to move out when I do.
Now it is entirely possible that this is a benign lie, it's even possible that he was using it as a cover to do something nice for me.
I really don't like this feeling. It's uncanny and unsettling. I don't like that my radar is up and I feel like I could potentially be manipulated in this context. I legitimately want to give him the benefit of the doubt, his past behavior proves that he is worth that.
I'm really not good at approaching things like this, all I can think of saying is, "I don't give a fuck where you were, what you were up to or why, but if you think that I don't know that you're lying, you're fucking stupid and I'm moving out." Then I calm down, and realize that the real gangster move would be to just pack my shit and never talk to him again.
That seems abrupt, though, especially given his track record.
I have a wonderful therapist who I love but she is a lesbian and admittedly, communicating with men is not her strong suit. Her advice is to remain calm and not initiate a conversation until I'm sure that I can remain calm. I think this is solid advice, but I also think that men are just men and that I need some pointers on how to deal with mine.
Tl;dr: my brain is stuck on two options, moving out, or calling him a liar and then moving out. I think there might be a third option that I have not identified.
Update: I haven't really been concerned about him cheating, for a multitude of reasons that have to do with his personality and also because everyone in our household has Life360. Obviously it's a possibility worth considering, but it wasn't my default worry.
I got stone cold with him and told him that he would make a terrible spy, and he immediately panicked. I started calmly packing a bag, and he blurted out that he's been smoking weed while he's off biking.
I have no problem with weed, but his version of getting mildly high is my version of getting blazed off my face. I told him that if he thinks this is a problem, then it is, but my issue is his behavior regardless of whatever substances are involved.
I'm going to go stay with friends for a few days.
If you call him out, you give him an opening to do the "but wait/woe is me" routine. If you know it's over, save up, secure another place to live, get all your valuables out, and then cut it off firmly without a lot of explanation or dithering. (You can move all your stuff out on a day he's gone, too, as you never know what he'll be like after the breakup.)
Don't doubt your instinct! A woman's gut feeling is one of her strongest assets. And even if it's nothing (yet) - you deserve to be with someone who always makes you feel secure. Best of luck!!
I vote for the real gangster move of just moving out. You don't owe him closure. He knows what he did and lvm like to argue so don't even give him that opportunity.
Your radar is up for a reason. Something's up. Not sure what. But something.
Getting something nice once is not a "track record". Or is there a lot more I'm missing?
It's entirely possible to cheat and also get the girlfriend something nice once in a while. Those two things are not mutually exclusive.
To be fair, I don't know if he's cheating. If you want to remove all doubt, and you have the means, maybe having him investigated is an option for you?
But really, it doesn't matter what his reason is for making you feel unsettled. He's introducing stress into your life no matter what the reason is. Does the good he brings into your life outweigh the bad? That's the question you need to answer for yourself.
You're already planning your exit, so I can only guess he's more trouble than he's worth, and you already know what you need to do - we're offering you nothing more here than a bit of reassurance that you're not crazy.
There's option 3: Mindfuck
At a very calm time, look him right in the face and gently but firmly tell him you know. Then ask when he was going to tell you. He's going to sputter, play dumb and get defensive. Only repeat yourself 2 or 3 times, broken record style. Never raise your voice or yell. You're eerily calm. Never offer information or context. Watch how he treats you, the tone etc during this conversation. If he doesn't confess, you pretend to believe him, then Gone Girl his ass without another word.
Yes! LVM absolutely *love* to argue! I never put that fine a point on it, but clearly my body rejects arguing with men based on my past experiences.
I don't want to give him the opportunity to argue with me, that truly is where a lot of this is coming from. Thank you.
I still don't believe him. Smoking weed is a pretty mild thing to be lying and sneaking around about. It's a good thing to tell you because it explains his behaviour, but it's almost too inconsequential for a normal person to risk making you upset about. I think it's a fake lie. He hasn't told you what he's really doing yet. It's smoking weed + something else that's worse.
I just want to segue into an aside here to say that if applicable, some geographies allow you to add a "family law clause" to your will so that assets you leave your children won't be subject to marital equalization in the event your children divorce their own spouse(s). I'd look into this if it's something you're concerned with. Makes your assets untouchable by anyone but your children. I like thinking really far ahead lol
Pre-FDS I used to call men out, but it just teaches them how to lie to you. If you're afraid of breaking up (fair) you can try just gently distancing and doing things you enjoy and meeting new people until you're ready to actually break up.
All I will say is that someone who is getting “blazed off his face” is an addict. He is not emotionally available. I’m sorry. This is a terribly long time to have invested in a relationship. But, you deserve to be with someone who is fully present to life and to you.
He deceived you and you should end things
You sure he isn’t cheating?
Hugs to you, being lied to (poorly) by a man you trusted is a horrible situation. If you want truly disentangled finances, probably best if you stop living in the same home. Living Apart Together is becoming more and more common for similarly-situated divorced women.
My friend is going through a similar man trauma as you right now - only regarding a different problem issue than lying about his secret weed use. She, too, is not sure of next steps. He roped her into caring for his troubled teen and she doesn’t want to let the kid down, but she also sees he has destroyed the trust in the relationship. Gah! Lying is the worst. Why do mennnnnnn….