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I went back to school. I wasn't actively looking for love. I'm working on my own career and getting a decent degree in engineering. I knew there would be a lot of guys in my department. This is not why I went back to college. I legit want to work in this field and although it's tough, I'm going to fight for this and get my degree. So when I started in September I had decided all guys I meet here are off limits and I'm purely here just to study, nothing else. I didn't participate in student life much. I was friendly and I did form a few connections with some women (one of them turned out to be bisexual and I think she has a crush on me.... I have to turn her down because she is too young for me: she's recently turned 18. I'm now 30. I'm not interested in her that way....). And anyway she dropped out of the program now, so I barely see her anymore.
I knew I am a bit older than the average college student. So I didn't expect to receive any attention. But.... Turns out a lot of guys are interested in me. One is very shy and very young. I work well with him: the teamwork is great and it's fun collaborating on projects. He is very nerdy and he also doesn't participate much in student life. It's probably a good thing that he's shy because he hasn't made it super awkward by asking me out. We only talk during class. I think he's about 20 years old, though I'm not sure about his age. He hasn't asked mine... I think everyone assumes I'm in my early 20s. Because I don't look my age.
Another guy asked my number, and made it clear he wants to hang out after class. He's kinda cute handsome and also around 20 years old.
In my group there's another older student. From what I gathered he's 32. He has been flirting with me, but hasn't made any overt moves. I suspect he has a girlfriend.
Recently after passing some exams, I have started going out more. I started going to the typical student hangouts. I don't stay for long, and I only go there to be social and talk with other women and just casually chatting with people, just to chill after a long heavy week studying. I notice a lot of women students behave like pick me girls there.... They hang around some guy, hoping to get his attention..... I find it a bit disappointing, and I feel bad for them. But I treat them like the adults these women are: I don't offer unsolicited "mom type" advice. And when I see it's getting too ridiculous, I excuse myself, say goodnight, and leave early. Before things get too out of hand, before my classmates get super drunk. The drinking culture is big here. I'm okay with alcohol but I don't overdo it.
So my problem is.... I have this class where there's a very cute TA. He is 22, and he comes across as both mature, approachable, and charming. From the very first time I saw him I thought he looked good. But back then I was in this "business only" mode, and I didn't allow my thoughts to linger on him. Also I never saw him as an authority figure. I always feel like I can easily talk with him and the conversation just flows. He gets me without me having to use a lot of words. He's a smart guy and currently also enrolled as a student in the same program. Only he's a few years ahead of me academically. He's very involved in student life and fun to be around. We both enjoy being around people and partying. From my estimates, we are both still going to be students at the same department for the next 2 years. It looks like he doesn't have a girlfriend. And like I said, despite the 8 year age gap, we seem rather compatible. Only here's the catch: he is a Teacher's Assistant for a class I take. Meaning he grades my homework. Our college is very strict about the rules of not having any relationships with anyone who grades your homework. It's seen as bad all around. It could be seen as me getting favoritism, and he could be seen as abusing his authority. Overall it's a bad look, and could jeopardize his career, and could make the rest of my college years very awkward. I don't want the reputation of "that hot chick that dates her teachers to get better grades". Nor him to get the reputation of "that TA who sees his students as sexual beings". So far he has been very professional and he doesn't overstep any boundaries. He behaves as he should: he studies well for his own classes, does his job as a TA, and respects me as his student. He has never gotten physical with me, never even touched me, never invaded my personal space or anything like that. Although we do make a lot of eye contact when we talk. And I sense that he might like me as more than just a student in a class he TAs for.
But anything between us now would be super unprofessional and cause a lot of problems for us both. And I'm sure he is mature enough to understand this. And he would never try anything while he's my TA. So that is good. (I also don't want to try anything because I don't want to make things awkward and unpleasant and jeopardize our careers over something like this.)
That said, I do like him. So what can I do about this? Do I wait until he's no longer my TA, while we're still both students at the same college? Should I wait until I graduate this college, and start studying at a different college? We are both students, so I don't think this should be a big problem. Just that I don't know how to go about doing this. Also I know he would be less likely to make the first move in this situation, because it is more risky for him.
If he guesses wrong, and I am not attracted to him, and he comes onto me, .....at our college that gives me valid grounds to report him for sexual harassment. I could potentially totally damage his career.... And he knows this. Which is why it is unlikely for him to make the first move, even after he's no longer my TA. It's a lot less risky for me to make the first move after I pass this class. The only thing I risk is slight social awkwardness for the next year (until he graduates: he graduates earlier than me). So if I misread his signals and he doesn't like me like that, I don't lose much by subtly flirting with him or suggesting to hang out 'as friends'.
The age gap does worry me a little. I'm not sure. What would you do in this situation? Should I try my luck with the TA? Or forget about him, and spend more time with that 20 year old who asked for my number? Should I just try going out with all of them, and see how it goes? Or completely ignore all these dudes and only focus on my education? I feel like sometimes going out can be fun and relaxing and it helps me stay focused on my studies when I hang out with other students. I did keep in touch with people outside of college, but I don't know.... These days it seems less interesting to hang out with them. The conversations get boring. I know one guy I used to go to school with (he's same age as me) still likes me a lot and wants to go out with me. But ..... I rejected him back then for a reason. My dad thinks he's changed and encourages me to give him a second chance. (This 30 year old man has also gone back to school: he is studying Psychology.....). I don't know. I don't really want to give him a second chance.
Sorry this was long. What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Focus on your studies. Forget the TA. You're fantasizing way too much. If he's interested he can wait till you are done with your degree and ask you out. Don't jeopardize your studies for men.
He’s not even worth your education and you don’t know him outside of school and what he’s really like. Crushes are a scam bc having feelings for a man who cannot or haven‘t done anything to pursue us and earn our affection is self sobatoging.
focus on your studies and if a better man who you can actually date like another student or someone else appropriate comes along who checks off green flags then go for it. Men are replaceable
None of the men you're presenting as options are good ones. First off, the one your dad thinks you should give another chance: who the eff cares. As for your idea to make the first move on TA: not FDS and not appropriate. I say pretend he doesn't exist. If he wants to ask you out later on when he's not in any position of power over you then you can consider it.
If I went back to college now and was single, the average male college student would probably be like a child to me 😂 I can't see why you're fretting over these guys who might be an option if you squint real hard but actually aren't. Especially the TA – he's too young, you don't know him personally, you just assume you're compatible, and he grades your assignments. If you're there for your education, then it's best to focus on that.
Stay away from the TA. I am a lecturer (among other things) at a university and what you are describing is a cliche and a trope for a reason.
Many TAs use their position to get laid and many women (especially in the first few semesters) fall for their charming TA, who is oh so confident and funny and knows how things work at the university. You are 100% not the only woman who has a crush on him and 1000% not the only one he's nice to and flirts with. They know what they are doing because this happens every single semester. The decent TAs may joke about it but they do not entertain or encourage it. They are there to teach and help, not to make friends or find dates.
I discourage my TAs from relationships with students they are actively tutoring. It's unprofessional, I always have to be wary about them playing favorites and it easily gets messy even if everyone means well and they know I will not extend their contracts if I get wind of someone using their position as a TA as a dating opportunity. It just creates unnecessary drama.
If you TA makes a move on you, he is not HV. Period. He showing you that is willing to risk his whole career for a hookup and also okay with taking advantage of his position of power over the women he teaches and whose papers he grades.
Girl don’t even bother with the TA lol. At the very least, wait until the semester is over (but even then he still may not risk dating/getting involved with you). I had a similar situation where I subtlety came onto my (former) TA last week (had a feeling he thought I was cute etc. too), and he had to remind me that we have a “professional relationship” and that TAs are discouraged from having personal relationships with students. Plus idek if he has a gf. I tried to save face though and play it off like I just wanted to "be friends". LMAO
It was kinda humiliating🥴 (but by all means my fault).
NEVER date men in positions of power over you. If the relationship ends poorly (90% of relationships before 30 end in a breakup) then he WILL retaliate and make your life so hard you'll want to quit.
I have seen too many examples of things going awry
Sis, nothing is happening and you write novels about him with a bunch of hypotheticals. You are obsessing over non-existent relationship. You have a crush, which happens, but you are not 13. If he is interested he will do something about it, not your problem, live your life.
Why are you arguing with everyone trying to give you advice?
1. Focus on your education first. I wish i dated less and studied/had more fun in college. Dtaing the wrong man feels like an unpaid job.
2. Don't give men second chances when something repulses you and turns you off. Even if you write them off for a nonspecific reason. There is a reason IME. Your dad does not decide who you get to date. He isn't the one having to date them! Unfortunately a lot of late 20s early 30s men have no career direction, so who knows why your dad even thinks he is a great catch.
3. Don't invite men to "hang out" or make the first move. You can be friendly in an attentive way, but it is on the man to actually chase.
4. With FDS, think about this: what is going to give you maximum benefit? The answer is going to be a man who is similarly or more ambitious as you, who will make as much money or more than you, etc. So while dating younger may have some benefits, the question is how much younger and what stage of life he is in. 8 years of an age gap in any direction, especially if one person is under 25, can get dicey real fast. The attention and flirtation might be nice, but most of these men sound like they aren't even 21.
5. Leave the TA alone. Again, your education comes first. When women make the first move, we are quickly labeled as psycho, crazy, desperate, in love with them, etc... add in the potential educational or career impact. Your field may be a small world.
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I know that if I had another chance at education, I would not want to waste more time on men. Why not look at men who are established in a career? They are more likely to have the means to spoil you with thoughtfulness, taking you out, and more.