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Hi, so I'm in my early 30s and an abusive childhood has left me with CPTSD, social anxiety and depression. I'm on medication and my anxiety and depression are kinda better than they were but I just feel emotionally flat and I have done for as long as I remember. I don't get excited about things, I just go through the motions.
I seem to keep meeting men who treat me like shit. I used to think I was ok looking, but a string of bad and short lived relationships have knocked my confidence. About a year ago I dated a man I met online, and after a month he dumped me. I found out recently he's now dating the female friend I was suspicious of. I then met another man online who seemed great at first, very respectful, emotionally mature and was quite well off. A few months into the relationship he started getting emotionally abusive and started to ignore me for hours. I eventually ended it and he kept sending me emails asking for another chance.
A few months after that I started talking more to a man I had known online for a little while. I really was attracted to him and found him interesting for his reserved and intelligent nature. Trouble is he lived on the other side of the world. But he flew to see me, from America to the UK, and the gesture meant a lot to me. After 10 days together he went back and I was planning on going to see him next time. We text every day for 2 months but I noticed he was making less effort, never wanted to video call or do anything together. But his texts were very loving still. But then one day he just ghosted me. I was knocked for six. I was reading all about avoidant attachment and beating myself up. This guy was saying we'd close the gap and he'd look after me when I came to visit. How could someone make the effort to fly across the world only to do that?
This sort of thing keeps happening and I'm starting to think the problem might be me. I don't feel good enough. Online men tell me I'm "below mid" and irl the only men who look at me for more than a glance are old, gross men.
I have no goals in life, all I want to do is focus on my friends, not that I even have many, and focus on having fun. I'd love a loving relationship and a solid group of friends because I never had that growing up. All I do is go to work, come home, watch Netflix or play video games, maybe once a week or once a fortnight see friends. But I'm just going through the motions. I used to go to the gym but now I can't be bothered. Just feel really lost.
I got downvoted for saying it before on a similar post but I'm saying it again: This is human existence now in much of the world because men created this terrible way of life. Men created tech, online dating, and the social systems that make everyone think it's ok and normal (even though it's awful).
It's not your fault and it's not because of the way you look. The only thing you're doing wrong is attempting to meet men online. But they suck in real life too so. I have no advice, only sympathy and solidarity.
You're not in the right headspace to keep looking for dates with men. You need to stop and take care of yourself. I agree with the poster who says life can be alienating lately, but you say you have no life goals, no excitement, social anxiety, etc. Those are things you can work on, for yourself - not because you're not enough. You deserve a life that feels exciting for you. Try to to find things, people, places, adventures that re-ignite a fire in you. Even if you don't know what they are, go on a quest to find them. Discover what's really important to you besides the idea of being with a guy. What are your values? What are your needs? Make an effort and try to go out of the house more to meet people, with no particular agenda, just to practice being in the world again. Spin the wheel! (This is what I say to myself when I'm feeling blocked). It's not about "getting it right". It's about putting some changes in motion, and feeling alive again. Of course, therapy can help if you can, but it's not a magical fix and it doesn't really replace taking risks.
male attention is worthless. trust me, you don't need it. don't measure your value based on how much love and attention men give you. you could be the most gorgeous stunning woman alive, they'd still treat you like shit. i know being lonely can be very hard, especially when you're looking for love. but being lonely is also unavoidable. you will feel lonely at times, with or without a partner. i think the best thing you can do right now is decenter men entirely and focus on leveling up. maybe you'll feel less lost if you pave your own way to something you want - not realted to men at all. like say you want a new degree, or to travel to a specific place, or o learn a new skill. find a goal and work to achieve it. this will give you direction.
PS: i'm not a psychologist or anything. these are just suggestions. the best you can do is actually find professional help if you feel depressed.
Kind of a broken record by now but the common denominator is meeting them online.
I'm in a big city so I know how it feels to be surrounded by people but feel alone. My work is remote/ on the computer. I meet people organically through my hobbies and volunteer work. They are things which I am actually interested in and want to do.
Thanks for all your comments ladies. I spoke to an online friend of the guy who I was going to be visiting, and he said that he switched off his phone so he could concentrate on his new job. I asked if he told him this recently and it was just a couple of days ago. I have asked my boyfriend to just tell me whats going on but he's ignored me. It's triggering all my abandonment issues. I can't help but feel it's my fault.
But yeah definitely not looking to date for a very long time.