I can't tell if I'm attracted to him

"Bad lighting on the porch" 😆 I like what someone here said once, or maybe it was in the handbook.... HVM will most likely be boring and stable and not give you butterflies. I say you give him a chance and see where it goes, but if you're really not feeling it after a couple more weeks to give it up. But he sounds pretty good on paper so far. I kinda wish, in retrospect, I had given some "boring" guys in my past more of a chance, maybe things would have turned out better for me.

I'm of the team of "if its not a fuck yes, its a fuck no." If I find myself thinking really hard if someone's attractive or not, then they are not.

If you make it to a kiss, and that kiss just ain't right, even if you did have immediate physical attraction, you have to cut it off. Trust me it's not worth it. The one incompatible kisser I dated was a nightmare. I have to next bad kissers for my own sanity. One time I kissed a guy and it made my blood run cold and my hair stand up in panic mode. Not goosebumps. No sexual pang/throb. Just straight fear. Either he was a woman killer or we were distantly related. Either way my body screamed not to reproduce with this man and to run and I did, I was like "I gotta go somewhere bye" 🏃🏃🏃

It could just be he's meeting the bare minimum and you're seeing him as good because you don't have other men around to compare him to, you do realise if this is the case and you get serious with him you will run into other men socially and professionally and if he doesn't stack up against them you'll be kicking yourself if you don't have the attraction glue that pulled the two of you together to reach back into, you'll have nothing to turn to to get your head out of thinking about what could have been with someone else. Some of my friends married good enough guys because they were desperate to have a family and the best they can say is "he treats me well", I wonder how many of these are sexless or end in divorce once the kids are grown. Nobody will look good forever but I think not being able to look into someone's eyes and still see that attraction in them because the memory is there is going to handicap the relationship. I think you should be meeting more men and a bigger cross section of men and focus on how you feel about them for a while rather than worrying if they are into you so you can work out what your needs are.

The guys I've had a first sight red hot, knock the wind out of me attraction to I couldn't stand at other times. My ex husband was one of them, after we had kids I lost my attraction for him completely. It might sound strange but the one thing they all had in common was they had a strong smell that was attractive at first, but later when things got serious I found repulsive so I definitely think hormones were involved. I also found who I was attracted to changed when I tried talking the pill, I even broke up with guys because I lost my attraction for them with it. They did studies about what women were attracted to in men's faces, it changed depending on their hormone levels with a preference for very masculine men during certain times and very feminine featured men at others, they assumed it was related to whether or not they thought the man would be gentle around kids vs aggressive fighting other men for a partner and potentially a risk to children.

I think for this next date maybe get away from the just him and you thing and observe him in the wild around other people, maybe an activity where he's around people who know him at a venue he's a regular at, or a group type activity where he has to interact with other men like a team sports or game activity. That way you can get a sense of how he and others position him in a social hierarchy. HVM differ in their strengths but they're rarely at the bottom of the pack.

You need a scrotation for this reason. It helps remove the rose tinted glasses and evaluate each man realistically for what he adds to your life. If you’re not physically attracted to him just next him bc if it gets to the point of intimacy, it will be hard to become aroused by a male you don’t consistently find attractive. Also, there’s no grand prize for enduring and suffering the longest. Stop sinking more time into a dude that makes you feel “eh”. Another commenter made a good point, the bar has been in hell for you, so you’re likely struggling to next this guy bc he does the bare minimum. If your standards/boundaries have been out of whack for while, you still may be lowkey addicted to dramatic relationships and still have some codependency and trauma bonding issues to work through. No judgement here, we’ve all been there. My recommendation, which I also enforce on myself, next the guy, stay single a bit longer and further work on strengthening your boundaries and standards.

Just try to live in the moment and not overthink it (while vetting of course). My attraction tends to build slowly, so this is my usual momentum. I’ve experienced both, a bang and slow build. I prefer the latter, felt more solid and substantial. The instant attraction guys tended to fizzle out as red flags emerged. But you can also have an instant attraction with a hv man. Sounds promising, enjoy and stay safe!

He sounds like a great guy, and I know it’s been mentioned already that HVM do not spark butterflies BUT if you found him attractive, you would know it and would not have to question it.

I think this is a personal thing, only you know yourself. To me 3 dates in is very very early days. I need to know he's going to respect me and that takes both time and proof. I develop these feelings once I feel safe. There's no way in hell that I'm ready 2/3 months in to knowing someone. I say if he's not got any red flags, keep him in the scrotation a bit longer. See if you're developing feelings/see if the mask slips.

I'm one of these people who desires "the spark". I know that people say butterflies are just anxiety, and we definitely need to carefully discern whether we are attracted or someone is triggering us in the wrong way. It's a matter of know thyself. I have been with two guys I was somehow drawn to, but not actually attracted to. They were both abusive. I did experience butterflies, but I could not explain why those guys made me nervous, because they were not exceptional in either looks or personality. Now I know that's a sign I was getting ahead of myself emotionally. Now, with my current boyfriend, I felt instant chemistry too, but a totally different kind. I knew why I was attracted to him immediately: his warm smile, his big two-toned eyes, his voice,... Also, we had been talking a while prior to meeting and I already knew I like how he spoke and how his mind worked. When we see something we've been looking for, of course we're going to be excited right from the start. That being said, attraction can also build slowly. Whether you're attracted immediately or not isn't the only factor of relationship success and I wouldn't say it's a green or red flag in isolation. You sound like you're still unsure about this guy but also not turned off, so it doesn't hurt to keep seeing him a while longer and watching how you feel. If only to better hone your intuition. ETA: with regards to the question "how much lust should I feel?" I think you can get an idea by asking yourself whether you could see yourself sleeping with this man. If we're really honest with ourselves, we already know the answer to that, even if we're not sure about other aspects of compatibility. I feel my intuition regarding sex is my own most powerful tool. With so many men, even if they're objectively handsome, my gut reaction to the idea of sex with them is a resounding "no".

I struggle with this too. I also want that biological chemistry. Which is what it is. It’s our evolutionary magnetism for mating. That is all it is apparently. It can also blur our perception I think. Some say attraction should grow. But I like that animal attraction also. We need to be physically attracted. But I know if I’m way too attracted I lose my rational thinking. I’m a very sexual person so that chemistry is important but also I don’t want to be fooled by lust. But also need that compatibility and connection. My friend has an amazing guy she’s seeing currently and he treats her so well but she doesn’t find him one bit attractive. Shes not slept with him either. She’s been considering her older age as a need to settle down with him regardless of her lack of sexual attraction to him. Wrong or right I see her point. But also know that we really need that chemistry, even just a little. Maybe your attraction will grow. That has happened to me before. I heard you should give it a few dates but that is your choice x

Women fall in love with and develop healthy chemistry when a man does things for her, like improving her life greatly in tangible ways.

I'd wait until after your first kiss or a few more dates to see how you feel, and if it's in any way a no, just drop it.

Being attracted is important, but remember that for women it develops based on how a man treats her and what actions he does for her.

I am having this same problem too. The guy seemed cuter a couple days ago, then not so much last night 😂 but tbf I am objectively quite attractive, so the looks bar is high

before FDS was part of my life, i once went out with a guy for three weeks mostly because he treated me very well and made me feel great. i suspect he was love bombing me or maybe just too desperate for a wife. anyway, i wasn't sure how i felt. there were times when i enjoyed being with him and i felt attracted to the point where it was hard to "keep things slow" (especially because he wanted sex so bad). and then there were those days when i didn't like his kiss, nor his touch, nor his looks. it was really weird! one day i wanted him real bad, the next day (literally) i'd rather be doing anything else.

long story short: he didn't respect my boundries (sexually speaking), so i 'broke up' with him (we didn't have anything serious, but he made it clear he wantd commitment). ironically, i was miserable for several months because i had already gotten attached. i missed him, i fantasized about him like he was the hottest man alive.

sometimes we are just used to feeling a certain way. i'm pretty sure he wasn't right for me, but that's not because of the weird lack of consistency of attraction. it was because he didn't give me time to actually desire him and desire to have a relationship with him. and he didn't respect me. i'm the type of person who needs time to trust someone and when i can do that, it increases my lust significantly. now for you to figure out how to proceed with this guy, you need to know what type of person you are and how you work. i think it's possible for feelings and attraction to "grow", but it's very personal...

i say keep seeing him for a few more dates and study not only him, but yourself as well. if your doubts persist, than you end things with him.