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Do any of you have any idea how to weed out men who are porn addicts or men who have violent “kinks”? Are there any red flags that I can look out for this? Or when do I ask if he does?
This isn’t exactly something I can just ask upfront, especially on a date. It seems like almost most men now are porn addicts and into violent kinks. Maybe it could only be a loud minority who are but I doubt it. It doesn’t help that violence under the guise of “kinks” has been more normalized in media over the last few decades.
It’s one thing if a guy is truly making an effort to quit but I’m not sticking around him for long, if at all. My time won’t be wasted waiting around for a man to finish fixing a issue he created for himself.
I did mange to find some guides I saved from the old reddit about this. Which are helpful but it would be nice to hear more advice on this.
The good news is they're REALLY open about their porn because they aren't ashamed. They're proud of it. Just slyly ask what they're into. Not IF they use it, you're assuming they do. Ask what they're into, they'll give you a dissertation
I remember reading a post on Reddit that basically said you can either wait for the man to bring it up since they often love talking about porn/sex if they're porn sick. In addition, you honestly could just pretend that you're a "cool girl" and ask what type of porn/kinks that he's into and he'll freely talk about it and then you'll know. With my current boyfriend, I brought it up after a few dates and I didn't tell him my views, I just let him talk which told me everything I needed (which was that he didn't watch porn and found it horrifying due to the nature behind it)
Like the other two comments say, just give them time, they can barely hold on before spewing their garbage, and yes, pretending to be a spinless kinkmellina will always work. Just say you've always had an "adventurous" (they make hate this word so much, uuugh) side you would have liked to explore but all your exes were kind of boring and vAniLla... A normal man will probably ask you what you mean by "being boring", fearing they may be one of those. While the porn-sick scrote will show you his true self, creepiest eyes ever and all.
I was duped by a pornsick guy a couple years ago, so I’ve thought a lot about this exact issue ever since leaving that relationship. In my case he was very unwilling to talk about his porn problem (unlike the other posts mentioned). In fact he started off explaining how much he disliked porn after using it a lot “when he was younger,” (and by younger, he meant like since his last birthday as I discovered much later). Still in hindsight, there were so many seemingly random clues that I dismissed or rationalized:
- Superficial charm: Charm is usually a strategy to distract from/cover up character flaws. It requires a ton of mental energy and no secure, healthy person wastes that much effort to win people over
- Entitlement: Pornsick men consume content that brainwashes them to believe they’re entitled to women, their bodies, and anything else they want, on demand. These guys will subtly treat people they believe are “less than” with impatience and contempt. They’ll demonstrate a general lack of compassion and empathy for people they can’t get anything from. They won’t respect your boundaries and will try to negotiate them at every turn
- Future-faking: Because they don’t see women as human beings, they will suss out what type of a partner you’re looking for, and will pretend to be that guy or better so they can get right to using you for sex. In the very beginning they will buy you extravagant gifts, pay for trips, and make lots of grand gestures to impress upon you how “committed” they are
- Mother enmeshment: They almost always have toxic relationships with their mothers (and overall just toxic or dysfunctional relationships with parents and family). In my case, he seemed to have a great relationship with his Mom on the surface. They were very close and engaged in each other’s lives. But upon closer investigation, he was actually enmeshed with his mother so badly that he couldn’t tell her “no” under any circumstances, and many times at the cost of his other relationships
- Shallow friendships: These guys might have lots of friends, and even some long term friends, but none of them really know a lot about him. They probably share wild drunken stories or they play a lot of video games together, but their friendships lack depth and substance
- Victim complex: This guy vehemently believes he has somehow been fucked over despite actually having every possible advantage in life (being male, white, cis/het, educated, wealthy, with zero obvious trauma across his life). Early on in your relationship he will disclose graphic, intimate details of all the ways his exes ruined his life
- Lack of ambition: He can’t seem to complete goals from start to finish. Talks a big game about his lofty goals, but never has evidence to prove he’s making appreciable progress
- Dead end career despite seeming successful: He likely comes from wealth, so he can easily fake the optics of appearing to have a successful track record in his career, but really he’s just using family money to buy nice things
- “Feminist”: Loves how much you “know your worth” and that you’re a strong independent woman. He claims to be an ally to feminists, when in reality he’s subconsciously acting from an interplay of shame, hatred, and disgust with regards to women
- Above average sexual “skill”: He’s not actually great in bed or can even maintain a natural erection, but instead is more likely hiding a viagra habit
- Narcissistic qualities: He deeply believes he’s the absolute best (or the absolute worst) compared to any other person. Lacks the ability to see people and the world as complex and nuanced. He instead experiences reality in strictly black and white terms. Extremely manipulative, more often than not will be dishonest by omission, and generally does not have integrity
-Energetically draining: You feel exhausted, consumed, and drained after spending time with him. Men like this intend to use women as objects for their own personal gratification, without any intention of reciprocity. They are energy vampires
Above all: Trust your gut. If you can’t put your finger on why something feels off *DO NOT WASTE TIME TRYING TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY* just block and delete immediately!
I am very drawn to the "mother" element of this. An ex who was a sadist disliked his mother and his sister, and claimed his ex wife's mental instability was the reason why their marriage broke down. Looking back on it, I wonder if he likes women at all... should we be screening men for how they view their female family members during the early dating stages? I would also look for this, on our first kiss he pulled my hair at the roots... testing me. Watch for that, I've read it a few times now....
There is a podcast ep that covers this. I think it's the Boomers Coomers and Consumers one?
In my experience they will tell on themselves, all you need to do is listen. Do they comment on your appearance? Do they comment on other women who walk past, or talk about celebrities? How do they talk about women? What kind of media does he consume? Is he into video games (over-sexualized female characters) or Game of Thrones (rape porn)?