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This is the tweet that has me wondering what the earliest possible red flags could be.
https://twitter.com/EOpsych/status/1532091014642475009?t=oMn72TMCOUlgJu2tFR113A&s=19
The likelihood of being believed is so slight, that it's up to us to vet strictly from the earliest time in the relationship.
Me, if a man even mentions violence and me in the same sentence, even if as a joke, I block and delete. He should be seeing me as a precious pearl, not someone who, as one man said recently, could be bludgeoned.
What do you all do?
so many red flags for me personally:
Any porn like references
taking joy in other peoples pain
generalized anger - any self posessed person doesn't express anger to anyone in the early stages, I am not your emotional punching bag
complaining about being hard done by (as a white male)
fixation on gym i.e. everyday to get muscles
quick with the i love you etc etc
any violence during sex, throat holding, forcing anything
hardness in their eyes - thats one that takes time to learn
anime/gaming freak
super into sports and their team
any reference to sex addict friends, strip clubs etc
behavioral changes based on your behavior, i.e. acting innocent then when you act different the stories come out
emotional dumping about exes
lots of female friends or meetings with just one friend unspecified who turns out to be female
bad relationship with mother
childhood physical abuse
witnessing the male figure cheating or abusing the mother in childhood
making random internet slang references
idolizing Jordan Peterson, Elon Musk, Joe Rogan
preferentially speaking to the men in conversation and not including me
My first abuser was pretty old school. I’m an educated white woman so he went in gently at first with emotional abuse and only a little physical violence but he’d have been on Depp’s side. His earliest red flags were complaining about women as a class and pointing out ways that he was stronger than me. My second abuser spouted libfem crap, claimed to think women were amazing and would’ve been skeptical about Depp. He was a narcissistic porn and gambling addict who lied to me endlessly and gaslit me daily. His earliest red flags took years to come out by my previous understanding but now I’d say he never saw me as a previous pearl, rather that I was a resource good for money and bangmaid duties. And so to my third and current relationship. He’s not perfect of course but responded with curiosity to my more radfem beliefs. There aren’t any simplistic lines that the self-identified male feminists like to trot out (as they are fantasising about strangling you) but instead, considered thoughts. But let’s watch this space. I’m hopeful but not naive.
It wasn’t even the life insurance guy who make that sketchy comment, it was someone else who asked me for a funny first date story.
very icky.
also stopped talking to a man who would tell me to stay home because it’s “dangerous out there.”
What is really scary is these men will have split personalities, kill one woman and date or have a wife and kids with another. I can't trust HVM anymore either. What's deadly is there's so many of them profess to being HVM and act high value for the first 1-3 years then a switch is flipped. I'll never trust again I'm too traumatized. The only support I found is FDS in that I know I'm not alone now. Society does not truly support women. Even a counselling slot takes half a year or more to get, I gave up and paid privately but it still took nearly a month and the E50 for 30 mins should not be paid by the survivor of abuse. And after 5 sessions I didn't feel it worked in any way. I tried 3 different counsellors. Cognitive behavioural therapy doesn't work. Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing therapy does not work. Nothing takes the triggers away, nothing makes you forget, nothing gives justice or compensation.