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Hi Queens. So I have been seeing this potential HVM for about a month and a half. So far he has been very patient with my pace and respectful to my boundaries. He seems like a truly decent human being who is a nice upgrade from all the other scrotes that I’ve met so far since I started dating early this year. He has a nice paying job, lives alone in a neat apartment, speaks highly of his mom and other women in his life, has amazing friends and family, provider mindset, good manners, great communication between dates, just to name a few things. Of course I have brutally vetted him the FDS way. I have a running list of things I’ve observed from him that could potentially become red flags. I’ve made it clear about how I would like to be treated, the pace of the relationship and boundaries with sex. I‘ve never initiated interactions or double texted and matched his energy minus some (sometimes minus a lot). I’ve leaned into my instinct and ask myself all the time if there’s anything that makes me feel even slightly uncomfortable. So far he has come through every time.
These last couple weeks I had gone through some pretty shitty situations (first I got covid then was mugged at gunpoint ugh) and he has offered amazing support to me. asked me if I needed anything everyday and spent time to keep me company even when I didn’t have the mental capacity to be good company.
Then I found myself start getting a little anxious when I wait for him to text me back. My mood gets a little better when I see his text lights up my screen. When I think about him his flaws have started to become kinda cute. I feel like I am definitely starting to get emotionally invested and this is starting to cloud my instinct.
So queens. What have you done before to keep a clear head when you see someone you really like?
Women tend to center men in general…that’s been our downfall for centuries and it’s what we’re socially conditioned subconsciously and consciously to do. It might even feel “natural” and “organic” and compulsive to start making this man the center of your life. Please don’t do that like other women have stated. This is where all you’ve learned from life and FDS can shine. You are the focus of your life; you and all your goals and dreams and current endeavors. Keep it that way. No matter what. Do not center him.
Focus on your goals and hobbies. Do things you genuinely enjoy that allow you not to think about him. Treat yourself to things you like. Keep living your fabulous life, and if he keeps proving himself and showing up, you can allow him to bring you some additional joy. Fulfill your emotional needs, sexual needs and needs for human connection outside of your interactions with him, whether that be spending time with your vibrator, watching a tv show or spending time with friends or family members you really value and look up to. You can like him, but he is just a dude. Do not put this dude on a pedestal.
In the great words of JFK, "Ask not what you can do for a man, but what a man can do for you"... Or something like that hahah! I'll echo the words of the above ladies and remind you that until you are exclusive focus ONLY on what this man is bringing to your life and squash all temptations to plot about giving back to him. When we as women have feelings for someone, we begin to feel buoyed by our own hopes and dreams of what the man COULD provide instead of ruthless examining what he DOES provide. Fueled by these dreams of what he could do for us, we start making elaborate plans about how we can make him feel good the way that we imagine he will make us feel good. Root yourself in the present. Enjoy what he provides without feeling guilty about receiving or that you do not deserve it unless you give back. Your presence alone is enough. Center yourself. Practice reframing any and all thoughts from things like, "Does he still like me?" to "Do I still like him?" from "Will he like me in this dress?" to "Does the way this dress fits make me happy and confident?" and from "Is he thinking of me?" to "Is how he is behaving making me happy right now?" If you have any thoughts that center him, practice saying "STOP" in your mind, and then reframe the thought to center yourself
If you’re not exclusive, go on dates with other guys. Don’t get “one-itis” for any guy who’s not your committed, exclusive boyfriend. And even if you are exclusive, stay busy. Don’t always answer his calls or text back. Don’t say yes to every date or invitation. Find a new hobby or skill you want to learn. Take a cooking class or start doing yoga. Whatever you do, do not let this guy become more important than your own goals, activities, and loved ones. At the end of the day, he’s just a guy and still has a long way to go if he wants to earn a solid place in your life. He sounds promising but keep your cool and remind yourself that you don’t need him if things don’t work out.
Instead of trying to push those feelings away or harden your heart, observe them instead. Your brain wants you to make connections with other people, to build bonds, to create trust, and to generate intimacy. This is a normal human response and should not be judged as bad or good. But like you said, you don't want to get caught up in it. So when you start to feel that way, observe the feeling rather than engage in it. Like you're bird watching and trying to identify the species from a book. Just observing and making notes and not getting caught up in the song.
Are you exclusive? If not, then you maybe should try to talk to other men. Also, we don't tell men how do we wanna be treated, especially not in the dating phase.
In the beginning of my relationship, I visualized a wall, a shield, going up over my heart that I would throw up anytime I felt I was getting caught up. We’ve been together almost two years and he’s still amazing, and I still do it from time to time. I don’t think I’ll ever truly let my guard totally down. I’m not the most trusting person, and rightfully so.
I would set some really strict boundaries on your overall texting behavior, not just this guy. Not only can over texting and super fast response times turn off a good guy, but you even said yourself your whole mood depends on the dopamine Rush of getting a text from this guy. Check your texts twice a day. Anything more urgent than that he can call 911 or he can call you. And what's so terrible about going the whole day without checking, are you going to die? Do you have a job, hobbies, exercise or friends? You don't have to check your text and you don't have to have notifications on. It might be exciting, but you are literally creating addiction neural pathways in your brain. On top of that, you've only known this guy about 60 days maximum. You don't really know a guy until you've known him six to nine months or maybe even a year, so I would slow your roll and stay focused on your life. So many times I got so excited about so many guys and it was such a roller coaster finding out they were trash after three or six or nine months. Stay focused on yourself and the cream will rise to the top
First off, I hope you're OK! That's a lot to go through (re: COVID and getting mugged). Second, I find that getting involved in a hobby or working toward a goal is best. Focus on any activities where you put YOU first. Self-preservation is key.
I give guys a 90 day grace period. If they super LV they don’t even pass that. That way I don’t get too attached. If they break up with me within that time frame I maybe cry for a couple of minutes and move on. Doesn’t faze me as much.
You are awesome. You are going to miss him. Anxiety is ok.
Definitely need lots of friends to provide a variety of emotional support.
Wait to have sex until you're in a committed relationship. 🤪