How to know if motherhood is for me or not? If so, what about the overcoming the pain and fear?

Never rush into having children=the best advice I ever received.

TW: Suicide ideation

Let me share a perspective from someone who has a mental illness (clinical depression) and doesn't want children.

I love children - Their sense of wonder when they discover new things. Children gravitate towards me because I treat them like people with their own personalities. Everyone is quick to point to how I'd be a great mum because of this.

But I'd never have kids. I won't survive being pregnant. At 16, I decided I didn't want children. I love children but I just didn't want any. At that point in my life, I knew I'd have to spend my life unlearning things and healing from my childhood. And the expectation of women doing the work associated with children, even when her partner pulls their weight, didn't sit right with me.

At 21, I got pregnant. The first thought on my mind was getting an abortion. I felt betrayed by my body. Being pregnant felt like I was invaded and violated by something alien. I hated it. I hated myself for being so stupid and pregnant.

I've dealt with depression all my life. But I wasn't diagnosed when I was 21. That would come later.

I nearly ended my life because my hormones were out of whack. All the coping mechanisms I had developed, didn't work. I was spiraling until I got an abortion. A friend stayed me with for 2 weeks because she was scared I'd go through with unaliving myself.

Do you know how pregnancy will affect your mental health?

Nobody tells you:

- how pregnancy hormones affect your brain chemistry.

- how it will make your mental health issues worse.

- that women with depression and anxiety are at a higher risk for PPD. So, after pregnancy you may still be in for a rough time. (Google post partum psychosis)

- that if you are medicated for mental health issues, you will need to go off those meds (which are life savers for many women) to be pregnant as many medication for mental illnesses affect foetal development.

There is so much they don't tell you about how pregnancy will affect your mental health.

I am clinically depressed with a diagnosis, medication, therapy and the works.

My psychiatrist says if I want to get pregnant right now (I'm 30), I'd have to go off my meds for 3-6 months as my medication affects the foetal development. Given my experience when I was unmedicated and pregnant at 21, I didn't make it past 8 weeks pregnant then. I very much doubt I'd be able to make it up to 3-6 months without my medication.

Pregnancy can exacerbate your mental illness. Just my thoughts.

This is a really good question. (I'm still trying to answer this for myself and I'm nearing 30 lol.) It might help to read up more on the physiological realities of pregnancy. I've also been doing some reading on abortion and the human birthing process (how a fetus normally develops within the womb, what that means for a woman, possible complications, usual problems etc). Knowledge about biology and human reproduction can help you understand how this would work for you, and if this is something you even want to undertake or not.

One thing I'm sure of now, I wouldn't want to be a parent without a partner. I don't have the time nor the energy to do all parenting on my own as a single mother. That's certainly something I don't want. So I know that I need to be in a supportive relationship and have a loving caring partner by my side before I start preparing for parenthood.

(For me) being married and having a dependable wife or husband is a prerequisite to parenthood. And I realize that it can take time to find someone like that. By the time I get married it might be "too late" for me to physically have my own children (give birth). So I have made peace with that idea. Because I think having a good healthy relationship is more important (to me) than me being the biological mother of my kids.

This point is relevant because it takes the pressure off finding a man early. I have no "ticking clock". I can take my time and meet more people before I decide who is going to be the father of my children. (But that's how I tried to answer this question for myself.)

Your answer could be different, and that's okay.

I'm a single mother, currently pregnant with my 2nd baby via sperm donation, my first child is 6. I think in general society massively underestimates and undervalues just how difficult pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding are. Maybe because they are solely female experiences that men disregard!! (I've been getting so many insensitive comments re. my pregnancy from men lately). Breastfeeding does get easier over time but it is very hard, painful, and time consuming at the start. Pregnancy is incredibly draining physically and mentally, with an abundance of side effects and symptoms, and is painful at times. It puts your body into overdrive- did you know that you actually age faster while pregnant- up to 11 years from a single pregnancy. Not to mention the possible health complications which are very common such as high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, pelvic floor problems etc (eg. this pregnancy gave me hypothyroidism). That being said pregnancy does reduce your risk of certain cancers and health conditions as well so there are pros and cons. At the moment I'm suffering through nausea, pain while I walk, difficulty sleeping, and heartburn lol. It's also an amazing and beautiful experience though. Childbirth will always be the single most difficult, painful, excruciating and dangerous experience of my life. I'm not trying to scare you though, you CAN get through it, if you want to, sometimes we have to do painful things to achieve our goals, people live with chronic pain due to illness, pain is just part of life. And pregnancy is definitely not constant pain, just at times. No worse than monthly period pains (for me at least). Childbirth is horrible but- it's a short time within a long life, you can get through it, and get a c section or epidural if that's your preference!

On the other hand, I think parenthood is not as hard as people make it out to be. Looking after a baby or toddler is labour intensive, but I wouldn't call it particularly hard. After around age 3/4 most children are not that much work. People stress themselves out about parenthood and doing everything perfectly because they think if they don't they will ruin their child. They are usually stressing about things that don't matter at all- look into the research around the influence of parenting styles on child development (next to no impact). As long as you don't abuse your child, you won't screw them up. My main goal as a parent is just to have good , deep, rich relationships with my children. I do put a lot of effort into helping my son with his education (but really- he'd do well even if I didn't due to natural capacity), and I make sure he is well behaved and contributes to the running of the household- I don't find it hard. The hardest part of my life is keeping up with the housework while working full time lol 😂 (it's never ending). Only speaking for my experience though.

As to whether you should have children- it depends entirely on what you value in your life. Both decisions are potentially very good decisions. Personally I am a teacher, I've worked with children from birth to high school (I currently teach high school), so I love children, helping children learn, building relationships, watching them grow into adults, caring for babies & toddlers etc. I've always wanted children. There are downsides, less freedom, less money, harder to travel, harder to advance in a career etc, but those things are not overly important to me. So I guess you need to evaluate what matters most to you. And whatever decision you make- be confident with it! I have freaked out at some point in both my pregnancies even though the second one was planned 😂 Sometimes you just have to jump in the deep end. You will always have second thoughts regardless of what you choose. I love being a mother 99.9% of the time.

I always wanted to have children young and so I did. It's easier on your body and energy levels. It is totally possible to have children in your late 30s, early 40s. However, you are running the risk of it being quite expensive to get pregnant, or, possibly not being able to get pregnant at all (everyone's fertility window is different, some are shorter than others, you're always going to have a better chance while young, but of course some people stay naturally fertile for a long time too!). The age of the father also contributes both to ability to conceive as well as genetic disorders and miscarriage. Under 40 would be best.

A co worker once told me " if you have kids make really really really sure you want them" which I thought was great advice

Thanks for bringing this topic to light. I think a lot of women have a utter terror of chronic pain and dying in childbirth. It's not talked about because women have to push their feelings aside and get on with it. It's not talked about in society because women are not valued.

I also have a condition that will eventually leave me blind so I fear passing on certain conditions also.

Let's say from the outset, nobody has the right to tell you that you should or should not have a family.

Society says women are geriatric pregnancies after the age of 35 but this is just to fear monger young women in to being groomed and sexually coerced and raped by older predatory men. If your medical service is top notch in your area, no woman should feel terror of pregnancy and childbirth, so I think we should be asking more of our health system globally, especially if we're paying for it.

I'm in my late 30s and I have been told that IVF is only available in Ireland up to the age of 43. I have nearly saved what I need for this but I still have the fear. I personally don't want a man or partner in my life contributing more bad roles models and possibility of physical and emotional abuse in my household. If I managed to have kids they will be brought up in the safe loving fun home that's honest and respectful to every member and autonomous from society.

You ask what age to have kids from; I would say having when you know what you have a stable home for them and when you are emotionally and physically ready. Some of my cousins had kids in their early 20s and they will be able to enjoy their kids being in their 20s when they're 40. I will be 60 when my kids are in their 20s not my choice as my partner left me and to do it on my own, fertility treatments are not cheap.

You asked for the age of your partner; generally younger sperm give better results but men of all ages are immature emotionally. I read a source saying 25 to 30 age group of men have the most fertile sperm. An older man and an older woman don't produce a pregnancy as often as younger age groups saying that an older woman can be with younger man produce a pregnancy.

I was also researching the pros and cons of having a family. A quick Google search should reveal various tables, surveys, statistics. Evidently it's what way you see your life and lifestyle panning out in the long term.

I'm still in utter terror of what lies ahead but I don't think that ever leaves as it's been in grained and women for generations.

I don’t know if there is ever a moment where you know for certain if motherhood is right or not for you. It’s true that you’re never really ready, and I actually regret waiting as long as I have for my second child. I’m 30 and am dealing with infertility. My first child was conceived when I was 24 and it was a struggle then as well. What sucks about infertility is you usually don’t know about it until you’re over a year into trying. I know people like to point out that women in their 40s are capable of having kids, but as someone who has spent a lot of time in infertility groups, the majority of women having issues are over 35. I’m in a situation now where my partner and I are not quite ready to start IVF, but we also want a baby and have been trying for 18 months, and we know our chances are never going to improve, so we will likely be starting treatment soon. In my opinion it is risky to assume you will still be fertile in your early 40s, but that is coming from someone with an infertility perspective.

As far as the fear about pregnancy and childbirth, I have to say that is absolutely warranted. My labor with my daughter was horrific. It lasted 72 hours. No sleep, excruciating pain, and I finally got a C section at the end. The healing was brutal. Breastfeeding was awful (I will never breastfeed again, by choice). Honestly I had the worst experience of labor and delivery. Baby and I made it out alive and I’m thankful for that, but I’m not fucking with labor again at all - it’s scheduled C sections for me if I ever manage to get pregnant again. And that’s not to say C section recovery is easy, it’s not at all, but I’ll be damned if I go through 3 days of labor again. Pregnancy itself is also so exhausting and just uncomfortable. Some women say they love it but I did not enjoy it. Nausea and fatigue eased up for me around the 15 week point, but everything gets bad again in the 3rd trimester.

And that’s just getting the kid into the world… My daughter is autistic and has been a LOT of work. She’s 5 now but she is a difficult child, no question about that.

Now all that to say, I still want another kid. I would do it all again for another kid. I’m literally about to pay a doctor $10k - $20k to harvest eggs out of me and put me through pregnancy and childbirth again.

Parenthood is difficult, but it is so, so fulfilling to me. I love my daughter so much. And it’s a love that doesn’t exist anywhere else, despite what some childfree people claim. It is a love that is humbling and scary. It’s a love that has made me question if there is an afterlife, because the thought of there not being one is now terrifying to me. The fact that one day I won’t be able to see my daughter again… it brings me to tears immediately. It’s a crippling kind of love.

So I guess the TL;DR is, yes it’s scary and painful, but also such a unique experience and very worth it (in my opinion).