First off, I apologize if this general kinda question has been asked before. But I'd really like to get feedback on my best friend's relationship because she is not someone I will ever walk away from. I'm laying out the details in the hope there is some method of support I am overlooking. I'm sorry for it being so long.
My friend "Alice" (26F) and I (25F) have been best friends for 20 years. From the moment we met we have been like sisters. She is an amazing young woman. We have supported each other through thick and thin. She was there for me through my horrific pickmeisha era, and I am endlessly thankful for how she never made me feel like a burden as I was blubbering on for years about men who treated me like shit. I adore her with all my heart.
So anyway:
Alice has been with her boyfriend(28M) for nearly 5 years. When they first met he was a recovered drug addict. He went to a sober college and was in a recovery program. After they met they got heavily involved with our local music/dance scene. It's a very cool community full of amazing artists. Her bf is now a really talented dj. She organizes artist events and is generally a hardworking badass who loves the creativity that arises in these spaces. Unfortunately, there are some folks in the space who normalize drug abuse, and her bf has been back in his old addictive habits since entering the community.
He's gone through major binges for months that he hid from her very well, and recently he revealed to her to depth of his deception. That majorly fucked her up(obviously).
Despite the depth of his recent deception, it wasn’t surprising. That same kinda shit has been playing out in their relationship for the past 3 years.
The pattern is this: He talks a big game of how he’s gonna change(when he’s not confronted with his addiction) but he buckles every time he’s around the community and then lies to her about it. He gets nasty and entitled when she is rightfully paranoid about his sketchy behavior. He gaslights the shit out of her, even when he clearly has wasted thousands on dollars on his addiction.
While his behavior is horseshit, it’s laughably formulaic at this point. She tells me about all their fights and my god it’s so deeply repetitive. She seems genuinely so flabbergasted and hurt each time, because his drug use results in him prioritizing his good time over any responsibilities they have the next day.
He makes excuses for why he doesn't go to therapy, and he will not give up the community(and I can't imagine her doing that either because it is 90% of her social life at this point, which is def part of the problem).
During my severe pickmeisha days, I found that having her there as a listening ear was the most helpful thing to pull me back into reality. So I always am there for her during those fights. I listen and then remind her that she is not asking too much. I tell her that life is too short for this bs and point out that he has made it clear what he prioritizes.
i even emphasize to her that his behavior will not change. That if she stays with him, she could save herself emotional turmoil by accepting his drug use. She says she refuses to accept that, so then I tell her to leave if that’s her deal breaker. She says it is but does nothing about it.
She has become anxious, antisocial, paranoid, and will tell me she’s gonna leave him when they fight and then the next day says “we’re totally fine”. Each time I get more frustrated at her for focusing on his bad behavior rather than her looking at why she stays with someone who does this shit like clockwork.
I try to encourage us to do different activities to diversify her social network but she's in grad school and working full time and she simply doesn't have the bandwidth to expand her horizons, especially with all the mental space this relationship takes up.
I pray that it reaches a breaking point soon but I am baffled by how she hasn’t walked away yet. If she doesn’t walk away soon, it seems like she never will.
I’m asking you wonderful ladies to see if there is any approach I could take to supporting her that may truly help her find the strength and self love to break away. I expect y'all to say that there is nothing else for me to do but accept this, and I am currently doing so.
But it breaks my heart to see such an amazing person reduce themselves to this bullshit. I would do anything for her. However, now all I feel I can do besides give her love is mourn the woman she coulda have been if she wasn’t in this relationship.
At 26 her brain is about fully cooked and she can start realizing this relationship is not worth it. But at the end of the day they do have to learn on their own and it is frustrating to watch. Some women grow a spine and begin to have zero tolerance for bullshit. Other women double down on their mental gymnastics to justify their stressful lives.
Id focus on taking care of you and make sure her relationship drama isn't draining you.
Something that helped me leave was realizing that I would get all the benefits of my ex by just living with a roommate. And none of the stress.
The FDS podcast has a "how to level up your pick me friends" episode. It's full of great advice about this very thing.
I've used some of the advice, like "keep telling your friend how wonderful she is, so she can realize she's too good for that scrote" and "tell your friend stories about other women dealing with similar scrotes, so that you're not directly criticizing her relationship and making her feel defensive, but she'll get the idea that the way she is being treated is not okay".
My friend is now free of a scrote who was jerking her around.
Forward the FDS handbook. That's how I did it. You can't cure a pickme until she sees the errors of her ways.
You can't be too forward or she'll get defensive. You can, however plant the seeds. You should do it at moments when she is frustrated at her relationship because she'll be more open to it.