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Hey FDS queens,
This is an incident that happened earlier in my career, pre-FDS. I’m certain I could have handled it better (and I know it won’t be the last time I’m faced with something like this), but I can’t think of how. How would you ladies have handled this?
A little background: I was in my 20s, this was my first job after college. I had been there for six years, but I still didn’t have much professional confidence. This coworker was about twenty years older than me, and worked as a secretary for one of the vice presidents. She didn’t work on my team, but her desk was next to mine, and she would always chat with me whenever she didn’t have anything to do. One day she started telling me about a twenty year old man who was arrested for having sex (read “raping”) his fourteen year old wife. Apparently he had first raped her when she was thirteen, and she got pregnant, so her parents agreed to let him marry her. Then they moved to a state where the age of consent was much higher than fourteen, with no exception for spouses, and he was arrested for statutory rape.
I made a disgusted face, said “gross, a fourteen year old is still a kid”, and went back to my work. So she started trying to get my attention again. “Huldra. Huldra. Huldra. I don’t think anything at all should happen to him.” with a smug smile on her face. I gave her my “WTF” look, and tried to get back to work, but she kept getting my attention so she could keep talking about it: “if her parents felt like the best solution was for them to get married, then the state should leave them alone.” Finally, I just said “well, I guess you’re free to think that”, and continued working, refusing to make eye contact with her again.
After that, she still felt comfortable talking my ear off about her inane pickme/misogynistic opinions whenever she wanted to, or complaining about her (mostly self-inflicted) problems with her kids, husband, and ex. I didn't really want to be a dumping ground for her opinions, but I didn't know how to tell her to leave me alone in a professional manner (and probably wouldn't have been confident enough to, anyway). I should also mention that about 75% of our company were people I can best describe as “white trash”, so not many people there would have been particularly disturbed by her opinions, and most of my team didn’t like me because they thought I was “stuck up.”
So, I leave the floor open to you ladies: what could I have done differently, and how could I have either avoided this situation altogether, or shut it down?
You did the right thing, ignore if not after making a quick comment. Honestly it's sad she's probably psychologically molded herself into whatever the old boys in the exec suite seem to approve of, although ironically men respect women more who don't act like that. I would ignore at all costs to not jeopardize your career. Honestly her whole career is now "secretary", and she might have been flirted with by the good old boys, so now that her looks are slipping she is trying to cling to male validation by any cost. Kinda sad. But that's what happens to your psyche when your whole self esteem is based on male approval and validation.
I’d probably request to move desks if that was possible. Wear headphones. Leave to talk to someone else. Skillfully transition the topic to something you both agree on. Or, if I wanted to be really petty and throw professionalism out the window and didn’t care about my job, fight crazy with crazy, reply back with even more conservative views. Ask her about her husband‘s job, and then casually mention I want a man that can provide and married women shouldn‘t have to work and where are all the hardworking men gone?! Why are women marrying these losers that can’t provide for their women? and then ask again about her husband‘s job. Or if she brings up dumb scrotes tell her in a hushed voice the devil is corrupting men and those degenerates ought to be castrated before they make a bunch of welfare babies they cant afford and they need more Jesus to control their sinful urges and men nowadays can’t even provide for their women and how nice it would be to find a man that is a real man and what does your husband do again?
I think the podcast episode on catfights would help. But imo it’s best to report weird shit to HR, especially if someone keeps bringing up illegal shit and trying to pass it off as normal. “Oh, so and so keeps bringing up that she’s glad men can rape children, I think we need to intervene and potentially call CPS. I’m worried her husband might be raping her children.” I am never afraid to call the cops nor cps on ppl who try and justify such disgusting things, especially if they have children or are trying to become pregnant. I take it very seriously. But, the past is the past, so don’t fret too much about it.