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At my mom's request, I began living with my brother during covid. I basically do all the cleaning, planning, and managing of our place. He just eats takeout and plays video games. He's 23 years old.
My mom did all the domestic labor, and my dad didn't do anything, so unfortunately, my brother did not have a good role model.
I asked my brother to unload the dishes when we first started living together. He said "yes" but kept forgetting to do it, so I had to do it. He's nice when I ask him to do it, but he would just do it once or twice and then stop doing it.
If this were someone I'm dating, I'd block and delete. But should I move out and give up on my brother?
Do men just not care about the home they live in, not think about the consequences of their actions, and have no empathy for the people living with them at all?
Or He knows, and he expects me, a woman, to do all the domestic labor?
Bounce.
He's not your responsibility so move out and let him live in filth. Your parents created this problem, they can fix it. They just outsourced their shitty parenting onto you. Put it back on their shoulders.
Absolutely move out! He’s a grown adult, you’re not his mother or caretaker. And if he’s expecting you to do so, that’s even MORE of a reason to leave.
“He said yes but kept forgetting to do it, so I had to do it.” DON’T. Just don’t unload the dishes if it was his task. Focus on yourself and let his part of the house fall apart. My BF has a histrionic, dropkick, narc sister that leaves trash/laundry everywhere so when he stopped cleaning up after her it became abundantly clear to everyone that she was the messy one.
However beware, my BF’s parents gaslit/guilt-tripped him to oblivion (pretending his sister was an angel even when she constantly broke the law and abused others) and your parents may do the same. You can defend yourself (“surely he can unload dishes without my help” / “I’m not his slave” / etc) but it may have no effect. That's why leaving is best.
2.
I can only speak from my own experience. My brother was like this when he was a teenager. I communicated with him about it over and over and over, and it didn't do any good. The way I see it, you have 2 options: (1) move out or (2) work around your brother's laziness. For example, you clean up after yourself but not after him. It might be worth considering having your own cutlery and crockery which you keep in your room. You keep that clean and use that yourself. If your brother leaves dishes in the sink, it's up to him to clean them. The important thing is that you don't expect him to change because you're only setting yourself up for disappointment by doing that.
i think it's both. he doesn't care if he lives in a dirty cluttered house. and he knows you'll take care of everything because you, unlike him, does not want to live in a dirty cluttered house.
the i deal with this, i do what serves me and only me. the rest is not my problem. example: i live with a man who can't wash dishes properly. i don't wash his dishes. i wash mine and keep them hidden. i have MY stuff, he has HIS stuff. his stuff is disgusting. my stuff is clean.
but what abput tings that can't be hidden and we have to share ayways? like the kitchen itself... welp, in that case i have to develop the ability to not care as well. i refuse to clean his mess. oh he spilled milk on the floor and didn't clean it? leave it there. he's going to slip and fall, or he'll get disgusted (hopefully both hahah) and then he'll clean it. badly, but HE will clean it.
i know it's a stretch and it means you'll be living in a dirty cluttered gross house. but at least you won't sucumb to his tactics. it'll be less labour for you.
now if you don't want to do what i'm suggesting, better move out. it is the best option, afterall.
Put all his dirty shit in front of his bedroom door. Only clean your stuff.
Congratulations, as the big sister you have the honorary title of mommy.