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Hello queens, unfortunately despite being radfem-leaning and agreeing with FDS in most points, I have apparently not moved beyond having stupid naive crushes. It happens to me every few years that I just develop a stupidly strong crush on someone (men or women both, but mostly men) with very little foundation. It can be people that I barely know. For some reason I will find someone interesting (and attractive) and my brain goes into overdrive telling me I need to be with this person or at least find out how they tick. It usually seems to happen specifically when someone is not easy to read, a bit distant or for some other reason we don't actually interact all that much and I just kinda wonder what they're like, from afar. Basically I have a thing for the silent, mysterious type, where I also can't really tell what they think about me. The less I learn the more I want to know. Whereas with people who immediately openly show interest in me I'm more likely to be totally turned off.
I actually kinda thought maybe I had matured out of that, but sadly it has now happened again. There's this guy at my workplace (we are not direct coworkers at all, I just 'know' him through some other coworkers, at work parties etc) that I barely know and I don't think he's ever said more than a few sentences to me, but I have always had some sort of mild interest in him simply because he seemed like a potentially cool person but also came across as kinda hard to approach (and he's also attractive to me). It wasn't romantic though up until a few days ago when I randomly had a dream about him where we were a couple and when I woke up it was like NOOOO I've done it again. Maybe its because some weeks ago we met again after a long time at a company party, idk. The thing is I don't even see him more than a couple times a year now because he's in home office pretty much always. So it's not like I can even just attempt to get to know him to find out he has bad sides that will put an end to this crush. I keep telling myself he's probably not as deep and interesting as my brain is telling me but it doesn't work well.
Any of y'all have the same problem and moved beyond it? Specifically this kind of 'oh my god he never talks, he's soo dreamy and mysterious, i need to know more' BS?
Radical acceptance. I used to bottle up crushes and deny my reality. I soon realised this was dumb and achieving nothing. So I started radically accepting my feelings. I will notice hot guys but I keep my poker face strong and don’t change how I treat him. It’s just like practicing mindfulness. You acknowledge the thoughts when they come up and then let them go, carrying on what you were doing. Just accept that you feel how you feel without letting it alter who you are. Crushes are only problematic if you start acting like a massive Pick Me towards the crush. It’s normal to think people are attractive, that’s your biology doing it’s thing. Just don’t let it get the better of you and you will be fine.
I get it too. It's so annoying. My theory is that we are genetically a good match. My body picks this up through smell and tells me to get with this person. I have gotten good at ignoring it. The only thing that works for me is space and time so I don't have any good tips.
I totally used to have a thing for the Mr. Darcy types, I think because I want to crack them open. Lol But I’ve really been doing some work lately and I’ve realized that for myself, I was attracted to aloof men because they were emotionally unavailable, and I hadn’t processed the trauma of my past abusive relationship yet, so I was as well. I didn’t feel comfortable actually having a relationship, so I kept crushing on unavailable people, cause that felt safer, but in the long run it hurt me.
Finding FDS has really helped me to stop romanticizing men and see them for what they are. That brings its own set of problems, cause the reality is dismal, but it definitey helps to see your crush as they are. Yeah they might be handsome and cool, but they probably still leave piss all over the toilet seat. Lololol
Oh this happens to me too! I guess it happens to everyone and it’s out of our control. We were made to reproduce so it’s normal that we might be looking around for a possible partner/having crushes, especially if they are good looking. The last time this happened to me was my gynecologist. Yes, I had a crush on him. I know it’s ridiculous but I couldn’t help. If I could I wouldn’t have chosen that. Our brains automatically detects someone with a high potential (good looking, intelligent, good job) and obsess over that. But I understand it’s not serious, it’s just a crush. I enjoy while it happened but depending on the case it can be quite painful (like when you start fantasies with the person, or having dreams etc). I don’t think there much we can do, just wait for it to go away. And eventually it will.
Wow this is me; have had so much trouble with unwanted crushes in the past. Honestly reading FDS posts helped me to snap out of it😂 The problem is that, to your brain, fantasizing gives the same good feelings as being in an actual relationship. For me it was more about being real about how trash an actual relationship with this person would be and being realistic about the person meeting my standards.
Also, from an introvert who is also instinctively drawn to quieter people, please, please do not mistake quietness for depth and intellect! Way too easy to do and it definitely does not work that way.
I have no solution for you, as I suffer from similar things, but it may be helpful to look up “limerence”. See if the behaviors and patterns seem similar to what you are experiencing. Sometimes putting a name on it and knowing others experience it is half the battle. I have also read that limerence can be caused by low seratonin levels but have not been able to get tested to confirm.
Update everyone, I am happy to report that for now I managed to make this 'go away' by focusing on what was causing these sudden feelings and critically questioning it instead of blindly going along like I would in the past. For now it's a lot weaker, while I still find him attractive and might try to get to know him whenever there's a good opportunity, these intense 'crush' feelings are gone for now which is a relief.
I wrote a post about it on the former subreddit, check it out : https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/n3r4fa/how_to_use_crushes_to_our_advantage/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
I always tell my crushes I'm into them. After that the feeling dies down, I think the thrill of the secret and the unknown is what sustains the crush. Confessing to men puts them on a high and then quickly losing interest in them causes their ego to come crashing down. It's fun to see how they react to that drop.
Keep a journal! Write down what was happening when you felt this way. Were you feeling lonely? Were you feeling anxious? Do you admire and respect the dude? You'll start to notice patterns which will help you stay focused and rational.
Are you me? I am like this too!