how to get better at flirting/talking when first meeting men

Okay, so I fully acknowledge this may very well be a "me" issue, and if so, I'll work on fixing it. However, I've noticed a few things in meeting men online. This isn't about meeting men face to face because in the real world, they are much better behaved (because say something horrifically sexist, and they could get slapped, kicked, etc, or at the very least, the cut direct). Plus, there are other factors to consider: instantly knowing if there's attraction (both ways); tone of voice, body language, meeting someone one-on-one or in a group, group dynamics, etc.

This issue comes up in large part because I'm an older woman and widowed; August 2023 will be seven years. I realized the other day, yeah, I actually am looking now for a relationship, albeit pretty passively. I'm on FB OLD, no other dating sites online. As an introvert, I also just don't meet new people out in the wild, either, except at my Society for Creative Anachronism events, and that's just for a weekend, when we're all usually in a high dudgeon of activity. For the past six years, I fiercely and ferociously held space for myself. Now, suddenly, there's room in my life for a new relationship, but after 30 years out of the dating scene, things have changed, and I'm rather out of my depth. Things just seem to progress a lot faster, and I'm not okay with that. I LIKE slow.

My issue mainly is how to talk to men online. First of all, I'm never impressed when they lead with a familiarity (gross from all strangers, all the time, every time). I'm never impressed when they lead with a comment on looks. The looks comment seems overdone, cliched, trite, fake, shallow, superficial. Many times I've said, I don't value looks, and they just keep right on. My attitude is, see me for me, get to know me, ask questions, don't just stop at looks. (And for the record, folks, I'm 55, look probably 40something. I see myself as average and rather plain. I don't wear makeup, and dress neatly but not stylishly.)

The other thing is that they just seem to rush online, and I will not be rushed. Engaging with them at all, using my words, doesn't seem to matter, so that makes me think this is all about power, control, and getting sex as soon as possible. Nothing ever happens online that I don't want to happen, but still. It'd be nice to be approached more respectfully. I tend to have a temper, so when they start with me, I match energy, and never take any crap. But doing that can also be an energy drain as well. Sometimes, some of them have, it seems, tried to provoke anger, because they find that "arousing". Just so gross on so many levels. It leaves me feeling slimy, used, manipulated, suckered into something I would never agree to.

To be honest, flirting from a stranger makes me angry in a weird way I can't put my finger on. Most flirting just silences me, and I never know how to respond to it coming from a stranger. I don't want to lead anyone on, because men tend to escalate SO quickly, and flirting to me often feels like it comes out of left field and doesn't make sense. If it's an irrelevant, irrational, or illogical thing to say, OH OK, I now recognize it as flirting (after more than a minute of overthinking), and just have no clue how to respond.

I often wonder if make strangers I've only just met are mocking me, and this may very well be a "me" issue. Even having lost 200 lbs, I think I have a hard time being seen as a woman, as desirable, as nice looking, because I've never believed this in over half a century. How do you get past this? How do you sort out who really means it, and who's just saying anything to get sex? It seems like ALL men say this online, and I for one never believe any of it. I tend to lean hard into being invisible, mainly because out in the world, men never speak to me out in public. I can come and go as I wish, never slowed down or stopped or harassed. This used to be because I was massively overweight; now I'm at a more normal weight, just older. And to be honest, being an older woman ninja has its perks.

Any thoughts are most appreciated. Thanks.