After leaving my last relationship with someone I think might have some sort of mood disorder, cluster B... I am more motivated to VET. I found FDS just a couple months before entering the last relationship. I thought I was vetting and doing a good job, but I think a covert narcissist required a greater level of vetting that I was just not ready for. I fell for the love bomb. UHG anyway, I am dating again! I saw a post about not being useful. Which make sense. I am trying to own that I have inherit worth, regardless of what I could do for someone. I am all into letting the guy take the lead, that has been an improvement. However I have worked hard to get to where I am, and I realize after a first pre-date interview call, I have been too upfront that I am a boss/have it together/ fabulous package. It probably comes from some deep down insecurity to prove myself. I held back, but wanted to get some input. Like downgrading my job, my community importance, etc. Like if a girl can do it all, which I can, I dont want to attract someone that uses me. That is looking for someone "independent" (although I totally am), I am looking for a traditional courting a male provider partner. Thoughts?
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Actions speak louder than words! For example, focus on actually being busy, don’t just tell him “omg I’m soooo busy/independent/confident/fabulous/etc". When you’re working, enjoying hobbies, socialising, exercising, volunteering, etc, you won’t have the time to tell people detailed recounts about the fact that you do it. And a true HVM won’t ever want to impede on those commitments or use this information to take advantage of you.
Remember the Dumb Fox Credo- sit back and nod, explain nothing, then do what is best for you. If he’s harping on about wanting an independent woman implying she pays her half, gives him free accomodation and runs/manages the entire relationship, then abort asap. If he asks “are you independent?”, turn it back on him and ask “why is that important?” and let him reveal his cards. Ultimately... you need to tell LESS. Far less. Be mysterious yet present and agreeable. There’s a great post in the Handbook about this.
Yep, read the handbook.
Reveal as little as possible and let them reveal themselves. Ask open-ended questions. Be vague. e.g. instead of saying "I'd like to get married", say "what are your thoughts on marriage" (let them share) and then when they ask YOU the same Q, say "I haven't decided yet". This prevents mirroring future-fakers. The kind of men who will claim they "want kids and have a passion for philately" just because the woman said she did (even though all they want is sex).
Glad you raised this. I’m in the ‘shit together’ club and it’s hard knowing what to reveal/not to reveal in the early dating stage. The dumb fox tactics are fine, but the handbook doesn’t really address how to genuinely respond to questions about your career/credentials. I want any man I’m with to know I’m the shit - both professionally and outside of work and being quiet and reserved on dates doesn’t meet the mark for me. I’ve had guys be rude about me owning properties and the car I drive but I’d rather know their attitudes early on before getting more involved… I’m sure someone will be along to set me straight on this but I’m glad you asked this question, sis. How much to say is a challenge for us on those dating streets.