.png)
Hi all. Feeling some doubt/wondering if it’s self reflection time so I thought I’d ask for your opinions.
I am someone who historically has not really received much male attention; I was overweight in high school and college and didn’t really receive the same level of male attention as my peers did. I also just generally kept to myself more and wasn’t often out doing things where I might have more chances to meet men. I am sure that this has impacted how I see male interactions. I have had a relationship and a couple flings/situationship type deals in the past.
Based off those (comparatively small, to other women my age in my area) experiences I’ve had, plus FDS, I have been operating under the assumption that generally men aren’t going to go out of their way to spend time with women they don’t like. I was ignored for years or had men only be short and curt with me, basically talking to me only when it was necessary. Exceptions would be maybe classmates or coworkers who would socialize with me just to have some folks to socialize with, or friends/boyfriends of friends/family trying to get along with their persons social group, etc.
I told a story recently to my friends brother, and her boyfriends friend, while we were all together in a group, about what I thought was a funny story about this random coworker (who must’ve been around 12-18 years older than me) asking me out for a drink. I didn’t insinuate I thought this man was deeply in love with me or that he was hounding me for a date, but said I thought he might have been into me because one day while I was out running errands he asked me if I wanted to get a drink, and pushed a little (are you sure, how much time do you have, etc) when I declined and said I was already meeting a friend for dinner. I got some immediate push back and they both told me it sounded like he just wanted to get a drink in like a friendly way. I didn’t work with this man a lot, only 2-3 hours during the week and then once assignments changed I didn’t see him much at all, only in passing.
I will say I have also felt that historically, before I had more experience with men, I sometimes misread cues and interpreted things more strongly than they may have been intended. Think me being 18-20 and thinking a guy complimenting me and us getting together (not sex) a couple times as meaning he had intentions of wanting a relationship - though I’d chalk this up to my overall inexperience with men at that point.
I think just hearing their reaction made me second guess myself and made me wonder if I am still in that inexperienced mindset. Obviously I don’t think every single time a man talks to me for more than 5 minutes means he’s deeply in love me, but something like an older male coworker asking me out for a drink just makes me think maybe he’s into me, even if it’s just causal interest. I have seen plenty of older/younger, male/female coworkers out and about and rarely have they asked me to go out on the spot like that unless it was a coworker I’ve worked more closely with and am much more friendly with. My question goes just beyond this particular situation though. Their reaction just made me feel kinda like they think I thought every man that talks to me ever is hitting on me and just generally made me feel like...a little bit embarassed? Idk. Maybe I'm just looking for validation here.
I think you are spot on, and it’s exactly why FDS advises not to make friends with men. As a rule, men only seek the company of women that they have romantic or sexual interest in. You shouldn’t be embarrassed at all to assume this, and anyone claiming that men seek platonic 1:1 friendships with women are spouting libfem untruths.
For your own sanity, assume every man who initiates contact with you would likely take the opportunity to get something out of you (even if it's just attention for his ego), but that it all doesn't matter until a) you like him and b) he shows and tells you what his intentions are in clear terms and you like what you see. We need to start worrying about whether we even want men's company instead of whether they desire us.
Plenty of men casually flirt with every women they know. They will keep things ambiguous so that when you call them out for leading you on, they'll say they're just being friendly and that you're the one who had misunderstood them. This is why the handbook says that if a guy doesn't ask you out, he is not into you.
i think you are right about the coworker and your friends don't know what they're talking about. men are motivated by sex, basically. they only interact with women they are sexually interested in. love is another creature. i've never met a man who can genuinely love a woman. i assume that would start with the sexual attraction, though.