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So, I'm on OLD and have had success (though exceptionally rare) in finding seemingly HVM. My biggest struggle is finding someone who is also compatible with me as I'm childfree and will only date other childfree men. OLD helps me more easily filter out the people who want kids or are on the fence about it. I matched with a man on Hinge this week and we chat a bit and he explicitly asked if he can buy me dinner this weekend. I told him this weekend actually wouldn't work for me because I have a friend visiting and suggested early next week instead. He said that would work and that he would follow up later since I'll be busy.
Now, I'm not a fan of the whole "don't talk between dates" thing. I lose interest if I'm not being contacted daily. I know FDS is pretty much against texting because it can build false intimacy, but I tend to attract avoidants who leave me pining for their attention, and it never feels good. Is it normal for me to expect the communication to continue even after the date has been set? Idk it always just leaves a bad taste in my mouth and I end up canceling the date if I don't hear from them leading up to it. A part of me sometimes feels like maybe I'm the problem and I need to manage my expectations and just work on focusing on myself yadda yadda, but another part of me feels like my wants/needs are very reasonable and I deserve to be with someone who wants to talk to me every day. I know that texting can build false intimacy, but I struggle to stay interested at all without it. Is this normal?
To avoid the creation of false intimacy, it’s better to not emotionally invest even a little bit of yourself at all until you’ve met in person. It’s nice to get a friendly reminder/check-in text the day before or morning of the set date, but other than that I wouldn’t expect or encourage regular texts from someone I’ve never met. Sorry to sound harsh, but expecting someone about whom you know practically nothing to communicate with you every day isn’t a recipe for good mental health, or healthy intimate relationship.
I think you should question why you want to text someone you’ve never met every day. You seem aware that you’re attracting the wrong type of man (avoidants), so next step is, how to level up to stop doing that? It took me years (decades?) to stop being attracted to avoidant men and it was a lot of work, including therapy. Avoidant men are emotionally stunted and will make your life hell. Do everything you can to get out of this pattern. Good luck sis.
Are you getting a “high” every time the message you? Some people don’t realize there’s often a dopamine surge. Kind of a thrill of the hunt. You getting bored might be your interpretation of not getting an addictive “hit” regularly.
Do you also usually end up in relationships that swing high and low a lot?
You may think you attract the avoidant type when really you have an addiction to intermittent reinforcement, which only works if their attention is unexpected and unpredictable.
but I’m just throwing some possibilities out there.
Your standards are your standards. If you want daily communication from a man, that's what you want. Don't let anyone negotiate you away from your standards.
What's glaringly obvious to me is if a man does not retain your interest between dates, it means you're not interested in him. Period. A man you're crazy about will be in your thoughts even when he is not around.
Daily communication and interest are standard within normal, stable romantic relationships. I don't think your standards are out of the ordinary, and even if they are, who cares. They're your standards.
Maybe stop caring if you are "interested" or not. Just go on the dates and keep your eyes open. If they are really HVMs they should prove themselves over time. We don't have to be lusting and pining over men between dates. In fact, I think it's healthy not to think about them too much.
I think building false intimacy is only a problem if you text non stop for weeks and with no actual meaningful dates. I don't see how texting between dates can build false intimacy (or any intimacy really), unless you're literally texting all day. To me it's just a way of expressing interest, totally legit since we sadly live glued to our phones. So I don't think you should force yourself not to want that. However, why do you lose interest? Is that because you assume they aren't interested themselves? Or maybe you don't like them enough?
it is perfectly normal to expect texting in between dates, and it’s a good way to weed out avoidants who can’t provide consistent communication or meet your needs effectively. i recently blocked a guy who never set up a second date (did the whole “i’ll let you know how it goes cause i’m so busy 🚩🤡” thing) and i blocked after about 5 days of absolutely no contact on his end. i know some people say they don’t like texting, but i feel like if you’re not texting me consistently then you’re not actively pursuing me or that interested.
A man who is a strong match for you personally will naturally exhibit the communicative enough “between date behaviors” you require. Hold that as your standard by blocking and deleting the moment a suitor falls short of your standard.
Pretty much every happily married woman I know wasn’t left for days without communication between dates in early dating, except when they had agreed not to talk until X day because she had X event scheduled etc.
Vet for your own standards and requirements, always!